Kiss That Frog

Discussion in 'Humor' started by hitmark, Jul 20, 2010.

  1. hitmark
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    hitmark Member

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    Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

    The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

    That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."
     
  2. hitmark
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    hitmark Member

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    Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

    "Give me the bad news first."

    "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

    "That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

    "It's of you and your mistress."
     
  3. hitmark
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    hitmark Member

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    Two guys are drinking at a bar.

    The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

    The second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"

    The first guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH!'"
     
  4. hitmark
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    hitmark Member

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    Male Stages of Life

    Age Definition of a successful date
    17 Tongue
    25 Breakfast
    35 She didn't set back my therapy
    48 I didn't have to meet her kids
    66 Got home alive
    Age Favorite sport
    17 Sex
    25 Sex
    35 Sex
    48 Sex
    66 Napping
    Age Seduction lines
    17 My parents are away for the weekend
    25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend
    35 My fiancee is away for the weekend
    48 My wife is away for the weekend
    66 My second wife is dead
    Female stages of life:

    Age Favorite Fantasy
    17 Tall, dark, and handsome
    25 Tall, dark, and handsome with money
    35 Tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
    48 A man with hair
    66 A man
    Age Ideal date
    17 He offers to pay
    25 He pays
    35 He cooks breakfast next morning
    48 He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids
    66 He can chew his breakfast
     
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  5. hitmark
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    hitmark Member

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    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

    The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and clean everything that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking and dishes. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
     
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  6. Dr Grump
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    Dr Grump Gold Member

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    How about just keeping your jokes to one thread instead of starting new ones every time?
     
  7. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    :lol:
     
  8. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    :lol:
     
  9. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    :lol:
     
  10. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    Funny.

    Is this where I pretend to be offended that the punchline involved domestic violence?
     

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