Just for fun

[RodISHI]

Love this one every time I read it. It always reminds me of my oldest grands' when they were little. They lived with us for awhile, when they moved I babysat them often. One day I was trying to get some paperwork done and needed a little quiet time, the boys looked like two little angels but could be pretty rowdy. I told them, Grandma needs a favor from you for about an hour. I had asked them several times to calm down, please. Finally I said, If God is watching you right now is this how you will be? They both calmed down right away and got their books and toys, I was able to finish up what I needed to finish. Afterwards we made cookie ice cream sandwiches.


A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

 

[RodISHI]

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, hungry bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!'"

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,




"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

 

[RodISHI]

Jewish Engagement Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street. Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes. Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?" Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?" "Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you." So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

source: Jewish Jokes - Jew Jokes

 

[RodISHI]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want
to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist.
"How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life
after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Taz for your "shit" list

 

[RodISHI]

A lawyer has a heart attack in his office and dies.

Much to his surprise he wakes up face to face with saint Peter greeting him with balloons all prepared to have a huge party exclusively for him. The lawyer is confused and asks "What's happening?" Saint Peter responds, "This is for you. Congratulations you are among the oldest humans to have ever lived!" The lawyer even more confused at this point exclaims, "How is that possible? I was only 49 years old". Saint Peter now has a puzzled look, "Well according to your billing hours you are 135 years old."

borrowed from a commentator elsewhere

 

[RodISHI]

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

 

[RodISHI]

So this beautiful young couple was engaged to be married and they were in a terrible car crash and killed. Standing at the pearly gates St. Peter welcomes them warmly. Shows them around. They asked St Peter if they might ask him something. They are very much in love and looking forward very much to being married. Could they get married in heaven? Hmm good question. Let me find out. Off he goes.

The couple is ecstatic They get talking and then it occurred to them eternity is a very long time. They have no idea what may happen over the centuries or millennia. What if they no longer want to be married someday thousands of years from now? Could we get divorced? Lets ask St. Peter.

After a long while St. Peter returns beaming. Young love is so beautiful and I'm overjoyed to announce I have found someone to marry you! Oh thank you St Peter! However we were thinking one day eons from now what if we wanted to be divorced? St. Peter glowers at them and in huff says do you know how long it took me to find a priest up here? Now I have to find a lawyer?