Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Humor' started by 5stringJeff, Apr 6, 2005.

  1. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    -=d=- doesn't know any good jokes, but he was too embarassed to say so in public, so he asked me to start a post-your-favorite-joke thread.

    So post away!

    :D
     
  2. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

    The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

    St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

    He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

    St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

    "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

    "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
     
  3. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    *What's the difference between an indian (feathers not dots) suitcase and an indian purse?

    12 cans.


    *What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

    A pilot you racist mutherf-er!
     
  4. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?

    BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!



    How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
     
  5. Nienna
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    Nienna Senior Member

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    Ouch, Jeff!

    I mean broken glass can really hurt!
     
  6. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    :slap: :laugh:
     
  7. Trinity
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    Trinity VIP Member

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    Ernie the Hamster

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

    Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

    "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "OH, Gross!" They shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

    "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."

    "What?"

    "You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

    "It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned.

    We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

    Enough said.
     
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  8. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    i've read that hamster one before, but its still funny every time
     
  9. no1tovote4
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    no1tovote4 VIP Member

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    True story time...
    We saw a chinchilla at a pet store one time. My wife called me over to check it out and asked, "Why is it chewing on it's leg?"

    Well I put on my best "extremely knowledgable" face and came over to attempt to ascertain the cause of the foot in mouth.

    It took me a couple seconds to see, I counted four feet not in the mouth and one long extremity reaching from the junction between the back feet and directly to the mouth being held by the feet that I counted.

    "Um, honey...... That's not his foot..."
     
  10. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    Three men died just before Christmas and were standing in line to enter Heaven. Saint Peter said to them, "In honour of christmas, to gain entrance you have to present something relating to the Holiday!"


    The first guy thinks for a second...then hold up his lighter, ablaze.

    "Candles! People light Candles during the Holidays...as decoration!" he proclaimed.

    "Very well", said Peter, "enter!"

    The second guy is perplexed. Then, it hits him! Reaching in his pocket he pulls forth his car keys and starts to gingle them, like...yup...bells.

    "Very creative!" Peter said, allowing the man to enter.

    The third and final man thoughs for awhile. He went through his pockets, then his face lit up.

    He produced a pair of women's panties.

    "What is that suppose to be?" ask Peter.

    "They're Carol's..." the man said.


    :D
     

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