Jesus Christ's tomb opened for first time in 500 years to reveal miraculous discovery inside

Jesus didn't die. He just got tired of all the fame and fawning. He now pumps gas in a northern Minnesota gas station using the name of "Buddy" sewn in to his work uniform. I recognized him immediately because of his long reddish blond hair, and the fact that he speaks Aramaic. He doesn't look too much like his pictures, though. He looked kind of like a cross between Bob Dylan and Woody Allen.
 
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