It's Official - Accident Caused By Stupidity

GotZoom

Senior Member
Apr 20, 2005
5,719
368
48
Cordova, TN
I sure am glad this didn't happen in Tennessee! You do have to love their honesty though.

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WHEATLEY, AR—Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.

"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we're not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn't play their parts—but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."

The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just north of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.

A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal, preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."

Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his 13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.

"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illegal fireworks—well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."

Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficult for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, the cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."

"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a mere six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway through the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one hand and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."

"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd penciled in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spent a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head at what a dumbass this guy was."

Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of events, it appears that the driver—drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring plant—saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to accelerate and beat it to the intersection.

"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons," Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest. Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching, veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death and leave it at that."

The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family, which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces Everclear.
 
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Nothing like calling stupid, stupid
 
Well if this is any indication, the police don't usually talk that way-on the record:

http://www.oxfordpress.com/business/content/shared/news/nation/stories/05/26_HITRUN_BEHEADING.html;COXnetJSessionIDbuild78=CYyzsLHTnv23k3X2aE1xVvqLg4M4JPGFXjxbdyWbw2qMVdUAveLg!-721021451?urac=n&urvf=11173199239320.8363463247304562

Man in beheading case punished
By DON PLUMMER
Cox News Service
Thursday, May 26, 2005


ATLANTA — A man who drove drunk across Cobb County, Ga. with the headless body of his friend in the passenger seat was sentenced Wednesday to five years in prison.

John Kemper Hutcherson, 21, of Marietta pleaded guilty to vehicular homicide in the death of Francis Daniel Brohm, 23, at an emotional hearing where the victim's mother, father and two sisters were among those asking the judge for leniency.

"Johnny is like one of our sons and became Frankie's dearest friend," said the victim's mother, Kathy Brohm. "Fortunately, he still comes around."

Despite the family's request for probation, Cobb assistant District Attorney Maddox Kilgore argued that Hutcherson must be punished to set an example for other reckless individuals. Hutcherson was legally drunk while driving home from a Marietta bar before dawn on Aug. 29, 2004, when his GMC truck hit a telephone pole support wire that decapitated Brohm, who was leaning out of the window.

"But for the grace of God, Frankie Brohm is the only victim," Kilgore said to Cobb County Superior Court Judge Adele Grubbs. "The court has the authority and responsibility to protect the lives of Cobb County and to send a message to prevent this from happening in the future."

Kilgore was asking for a 10-year sentence.

Hutcherson broke down when apologizing to his friend's family in court Wednesday.

"I loved Frankie like a brother," he said. Brushing away tears, he described meeting Brohm during his second semester at Pope High School. "We met in lunch period. Frankie needed a ride home. We began hanging out and we've been friends ever since."

Hutcherson admitted that he and Brohm started drinking at a friend's house the night of Aug. 28, and ended up at a Marietta bar early the next morning. He said he drank a combination of vodka, beer and "some kind of shooters."

Hutcherson said he still doesn't remember leaving the bar or the 12-mile drive to his home in east Cobb. Brohm was beheaded less than a mile from the bar.

Brohm's body was left partially hanging out the passenger window when Hutcherson parked his truck in his driveway and went inside to sleep.

About 8 a.m. that morning a neighbor walking with his 1-year-old daughter saw Brohm's body and called police, who later found the severed head in a ditch. When awakened by police, Hutcherson had blood on his clothing and still smelled strongly of alcohol, Kilgore said.

Hutcherson and Brohm had been involved in earlier drinking and drug incidents, according to police records. Brohm was a passenger in Hutcherson's vehicle in March 2001 when Hutcherson was charged with a DUI, according to a Cobb police report.

On Jan. 24, 2004, Hutcherson was riding with Brohm when Hutcherson was arrested and charged with having less than an ounce of marijuana.

However, since being released on bond two weeks after Brohm's death, Hutcherson has regularly attended counseling sessions and passed random drug tests, a drug counselor testified Wednesday.

Kathy Brohm testified that she is "very pleased" Hutcherson has turned away from alcohol and discovered things to do in his spare time that "are more fun than hanging out at bars."

Hutcherson has taken responsibility for his actions and will never forget the tragic outcome of his behavior, said defense attorney Ben Smith.

"Johnny has already imprisoned himself for life with the memory of his totally irresponsible conduct that night," Smith told Grubbs. "I don't think there is anything we can do here more than Johnny has already done to himself."


Don Plummer writes for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. E-mail: [email protected]
 
GotZoom said:
I sure am glad this didn't happen in Tennessee! You do have to love their honesty though.

------

WHEATLEY, AR—Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.

"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we're not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn't play their parts—but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."

The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just north of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.

A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal, preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."

Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his 13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.

"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illegal fireworks—well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."

Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficult for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, the cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."

"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a mere six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway through the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one hand and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."

"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd penciled in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spent a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head at what a dumbass this guy was."

Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of events, it appears that the driver—drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring plant—saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to accelerate and beat it to the intersection.

"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons," Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest. Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching, veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death and leave it at that."

The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family, which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces Everclear.


Reads like satire, but if it isn't the driver was too stupid to live anyways...The gene pool would be better off without him.
 

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