Ireland Declaring War on France?

Discussion in 'Humor' started by -Cp, Nov 9, 2004.

  1. -Cp

    -Cp Senior Member

    Sep 23, 2004
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    Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

    "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand
    men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have
    two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty-thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
    still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie
    McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
    boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.
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  2. manu1959

    manu1959 Left Coast Isolationist

    Oct 28, 2004
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    France's wartime history....

    * Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
    of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
    inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
    victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    * Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
    lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    * Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    * Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
    get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
    participants started ignoring her.

    * War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as

    * The Dutch War - Tied

    * War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
    but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
    world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
    first taste of a Marlboro , which they have loved ever since.

    * American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
    Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
    more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
    Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of
    the fighting."

    * French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
    also French.

    * The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
    Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
    British footwear designer.

    * The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
    Frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    * World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
    United States . Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
    only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
    widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
    the French bloodline.

    * World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
    Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    * War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
    the Dien Bien Flu

    * Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
    by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
    of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
    to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
    Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    * War on Terrorism - France , keeping in mind its recent history,
    surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
    Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    Thus, the question for any country silly enough to count on the French
    should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until
    France collapses?"

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