Adam's Apple
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- Apr 25, 2004
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Iraqis Reject Democracy, Fearing Obesity May Be Next
By Andy Borowitz, www.borowitzreport.com
Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds Report Worrisome Weight Gains Since U.S. Invasion
Hopes for a new Iraqi constitution suffered a major setback today as Iraqis rejected American-style democracy, fearing that it could usher in American-style obesity in its wake.
The decision to scuttle democracy as a way of avoiding obesity was announced by the Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz Hakim in a press conference in Baghdad.
If, by embracing democracy, Iraqis will all become obese like those Americans you see at their Wal-Mart, then we will have none of it, Mr. Hakim said, vehemently pounding his fist on the table.
While Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds have been divided on most issues relating to Iraqs new constitution, fear of obesity seems to the one uniting force that has galvanized the nations three factious ethnic groups.
Since the U.S. invasion in March 2003, the average Iraqi has reported weight gains of between fifteen and twenty pounds as the nation has struggled to adapt to the sudden influx of McDonalds, Applebees, and Boston Market restaurants, now a mainstay of every Iraqi thoroughfare.
At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the U.S. would soon send dispatch a representative to Iraq to assure the Iraqi people that democracy and obesity do not necessarily go hand in hand.
While Mr. McClellan indicated that such a representative had not yet been chosen, he told reporters, It probably wont be Cheney.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/
By Andy Borowitz, www.borowitzreport.com
Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds Report Worrisome Weight Gains Since U.S. Invasion
Hopes for a new Iraqi constitution suffered a major setback today as Iraqis rejected American-style democracy, fearing that it could usher in American-style obesity in its wake.
The decision to scuttle democracy as a way of avoiding obesity was announced by the Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz Hakim in a press conference in Baghdad.
If, by embracing democracy, Iraqis will all become obese like those Americans you see at their Wal-Mart, then we will have none of it, Mr. Hakim said, vehemently pounding his fist on the table.
While Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds have been divided on most issues relating to Iraqs new constitution, fear of obesity seems to the one uniting force that has galvanized the nations three factious ethnic groups.
Since the U.S. invasion in March 2003, the average Iraqi has reported weight gains of between fifteen and twenty pounds as the nation has struggled to adapt to the sudden influx of McDonalds, Applebees, and Boston Market restaurants, now a mainstay of every Iraqi thoroughfare.
At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the U.S. would soon send dispatch a representative to Iraq to assure the Iraqi people that democracy and obesity do not necessarily go hand in hand.
While Mr. McClellan indicated that such a representative had not yet been chosen, he told reporters, It probably wont be Cheney.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/
