In The Name of Religion

Discussion in 'Humor' started by PoliticalChic, Nov 29, 2010.

  1. PoliticalChic
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    PoliticalChic Diamond Member

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
    almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
    stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
    that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the
    poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
    to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
    You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
    to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
    *******************************************************
    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
    the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
    me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a
    glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
    *******************************************************
    Looks of Disappointment

    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
    sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
    beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A
    few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The
    wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
    ***********************************************************
    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
    company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
    asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
    creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
    animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
    there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
    creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
    donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
    me the dog was Catholic?
    *******************************************************
    Donation

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'
    ***********************************************
    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
    grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
    girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
    three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
    ************************************************************
    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
    girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how
    old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
    **********************************************************
    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
    senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
    zip down.'
    *****************************************************
    Pest Control

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
    pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
    together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him
    in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
    discovered the man in the closet..

    'Who are you?' he asked him..

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
    replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
    ***********************************************************
    Marriage Humor
    Wife: 'What are you doing?'
    Husband: Nothing.
    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate
    for an hour.'
    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
    Wife: 'Yes or no.'
    --------------------------------------------------------
    The truest statement ever made ! !

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
    and lighten your burden.'
    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
    troubles.'
    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
    give up my seat to a lady.'
    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
    hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
    LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
    sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
    humour!'
    _____
    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
    with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
    that I found in your pants pocket'..
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
    the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
    with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
    Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
     

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