Important Lesson from My Dad's Passing

[CrusaderFrank]

My Dad was a WWII Navy Vet and passed away on the anniversary of the final decommissioning of his beloved CV-19 of which he was a plank owner. I had posted a notice in the "My Dad Voted today" thread as a capstone to the life of a truly great American but wanted to highlight an extremely important takeaway

Many people came forward to pay their respects including a childhood friend who took a day off from his new position at Google in CA to catch a redeye for the funeral. We received so many cards and emails and phone calls from people who said how much my Dad had influenced them.

While going over some of the letters with my Mom, she made the comment, "Do you know how much it would have meant to him to hear this while he was alive?" And there's the takeaway. If you have something to say, don't wait! They can't hear you at their funeral!

Another childhood friend who also lost her Dad to cancer gave me a strategy for dealing with this. She wrote a eulogy to her father and read it to him while he was still alive so he would know how much she meant to him.

I didn't do that, but over the course of several conversations, some in the hospital and some at home, I let my Dad know how I felt about him.

I'm letting people know how I feel both good and not so good --and some like to hear and others don't.

C'est la vie!

 

[High_Gravity]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Sallow]

It's rough to lose your father. Been there..and it was agonizing. I remember you did another thread on this as well. Seems like he was a very special indivdual.

 

[xotoxi]

I am truely sorry for your lots.

 

[peach174]

Yes very good advise. I learned that lesson when my Dad passed away,I was 15 yrs old.
I hugged him and told him I loved him and then me and my Mom left the hospital that night. The next morning he had his heart operation and died in the recovery room. That was in 1968.
I am so glad I told him how much I loved him and that he knew it before he passed.

 

[LadyGunSlinger]

I'm truly sorry for your enormous loss. I lost my mom a couple of years ago and my brother just a few short months back. I think you give sage advice and are very wise. Your father sounds like the most honorable of men, worthy of tribute and respect. God bless your family at this time of mourning and to your father- "Fly free angel, fly free."

 

[Big Black Dog]

I was fortunate enough to be able to sit with my father and have a long talk with him just a few hours before he died. I am very glad that I was able to do that.

 

[Mr. H.]

Very poignant post CF.
Never got to say goodbye to my pop either. he just went to work and didn't come back.
I do visit his grave each year.

 

[Anachronism]

My most sincere and humble condolences for your loss.

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I lost my father to Cancer almost ten years ago (8/22/01). Standing in that receiving line at the wake, I had the opportunity to meet a large number of the students he had taught, teacher he had taught with, and other people who had known him in ways that I never had. We all get a different view of everyone around us. Even as you grew up in the same home with your parents, your siblings probably have a different view of them than you do.

Thankfully, both of my brothers and I had the opportunity to sit down with my father (individually) and to say our goodbyes. My chance came a mere three days before he passed on. We sat there in the living room of the house we had built as a family more than a decade before and both said a lot of things that we really needed to say but had never before found the necessity to. We cleared a lot of air in the two hours or so that we say there. I lot of bad feelings and old wounds were washed away, on both sides.

They say that the key to a healthy marriage is never going to sleep angry. I would suggest that the key to never having to wish you had one more moment to say something to a loved one is.... Never leave their presence without telling them you love them and truly meaning it.

When we mourn, it is not for the soul of the one we love but for ourselves, since we will not have the chance to have them in our lives any more. It is the memories of the good times that get us through those dark days.

 

[boedicca]

My condolences as well. And thank you for thinking about the rest of us while you are mourning your dad.

Hugs.

 

[rightwinger]

Sorry to hear Frank..

My father passed away three weeks ago and its still hard to take. My best advice is that rather than mourn his death, spend your time celebrating his life.

Countless people came up to me to tell me what my father meant to them. Good to hear that your father made a difference

 

[jillian]

I'm so truly sorry for your loss, Frank. Good advice to let the people you love know how much they matter all of the time.

 

[Annie]

My condolences to you and so many others that have already posted on this. It seems each of us have our own stories, so is the story of man. My mom had her first stroke on Mother's Day after I filed for divorce, about a month later. She recovered mentally and physically except for some word retrieval problems from that. Yet, the fragility was obvious. She went on for another 11 years, the last 2 in my home with my dad and a full-time nurse. She passed in October, 2007. She had been the backbone of the family, but my dad really stepped up when she got sick. My dad stayed with me and at New Year's, 2009 was diagnosed with lung cancer.

He'd been in 3rd wave of D-Day invasion and gravely injured. Luckily with sulfa drugs and great surgeons, he survived. But he'd picked up hepatitis C, (I think that's right), from the transfusions. Drugs they gave him caused kidney problems, by his 80's they were functioning at 20 some %, IV chemo was out of the question. So, he did the oral, but when they began to fail the following July, he refused radiation, preferring to go on his terms. He did, in September.

He'd been an alcoholic, but he'd joined AA when I was 7 and with one set back, stuck with it. By the time he died, he was nearly 50 years sober. He was successful in his career and active in community. His wake and funeral were huge. So many people wanted to speak in church that the priest finally said after 20 that, 'we understand his contributions.'

Truth is, both my brother and I certainly loved and respected him. We were shocked by the numbers of people that came forward wanting to thank us, for what my dad had done over the years. Even now I get tears in my eyes, we didn't know.

 

[westwall]

You have my sincere condolences Frank. Blue skies.

 

[Liability]

Frank, my brother, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Ever since your thread about his last round of voting, I have been thinking about how funny and sad life can be. I lost my dad about a decade ago. I didn't get to have that last chat with him (except as he lay either in his coma or after he had already suffered clinical brain death). It's not the same.

So, I hope you get some solace from the time you spent just talking. You know he heard you -- in more ways than just with the ears.

Linger on the good memories. They are now the only ones that count. And, keep something else in mind, too. Part of your unique sense of humor came from him. Every time you make a witty point, you are tipping your cap to your dad. So, when you are ready to get back into this fray, do it with joy.

You've already done him proud, buddy.

 

[JW Frogen]

Tough one mate.

I am still not over the loss of my Dad, and yet I still have conversations with him every day.

He is in you, and his spirit lives.

 

[uscitizen]

Sorry for you loss. I lost my mother last December.
I lost my father when I was 16.

 

[Toro]

I'm sorry for your loss Frank. He sounds like a good man.

 

[Samson]

So I'm reading your OP with selfish interest. .....not simply curiousity.....in hopes that one day when I'll face the same or similar circumstances, I'll better know how to deal with it.

On the other hand are those that hear your story, and the way they react: I've recently found that the best thing to do is distill whatever impresses me most about another's life, and with hearty approbation, and all sincerity, express that in as few words as possible.

Your dad sounds like one heck of a man.

 

[trams]

Sorry for your loss CF. He was obviously a great man. RIP