Illegal Border Crossings Alarm Canadians

Discussion in 'Humor' started by manu1959, Nov 30, 2004.

  1. manu1959
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    manu1959 Left Coast Isolationist

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    The flood of American liberals sneaking across the
    border into Canada has intensified in the past week,
    sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
    illegal immigration.

    The re-election of President Bush is prompting the
    exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
    soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
    O'Reilly.

    Canadian border farmers say it is not uncommon to see
    dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
    activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at
    night.

    "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there
    was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
    Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders
    North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
    hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
    free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he
    left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my
    screenplay, eh?"

    In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
    erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
    So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
    Limbaugh across the fields.
    "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got
    through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
    wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly
    concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the
    Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons,
    drive them across the border and leave them to fend
    for themselves. "A lot of these people are not
    prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
    patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
    drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa
    Valley cabernet, though."

    When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
    border, often wailing loudly that they fear
    retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
    circulating about the Bush administration establishing
    re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to
    drink domestic beer and watch
    NASCAR races.

    In the days since the election, liberals have turned
    to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
    Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus
    trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
    catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in
    powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
    stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
    senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the
    accordion player on The Lawrence Welk show, we get
    suspicious about their age," an official said.
    Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
    immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage
    and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

    "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
    economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident
    said. "How many art-history majors does one country
    need?" In an effort to ease tensio ns between the
    United States and Canada, Vice-President Dick Cheney
    met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
    administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
    a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have
    some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
    some endangered species on postage stamps. The
    president is determined to reach out."
     

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