I really really despise men at this point in my life!!!

[Trinity]

So was my Dad..Great guy, everyone liked him...The only problem was he beat
the hell outta my mom several times a week.

My Mothers mistake was staying with him.

Hopefully khafley hasn't seen physical abuse yet, but my bet is she has.
If not, from what she has posted, she will..It's just a matter of when.

So, khafley, my advise to you if I may be so bold to give it is this....
Take some positive action to change your situation. I think you've started here
so don't stop now. You may end with divorce, but it's better than living in hell, especially for the children. Believe me.

Just the opinion of someone that grew up in a similar situation.

No not yet, but i excpect it will come in time, His father was very abusive physically and verballyto his mother. I had been with an abusive man before, and told my husband now, if he ever laid a finger on me he be looking down the barrel of his own shotgun.




Thanks P ......... I am working on that plan right now

 

[krisy]

First - make sure he's 'sick', not just an 'asshole'
Secondly - make sure he doesn't want help.
Thridly - it's your call...you need to judge for yourself about how important your 'vow' is. You'll need to decide if it's a better example to your kids that you honor your committment or get out, so they don't think it's 'normal' for a husband to be an asshole to his wife. You'll need to decide if thru Prayer and Counseling you can live with him as-is. God works on people's hearts. God's worked on mine - Instead of leaving my wife, I'm coming to terms with her not liking my doting over her; affection, romance, cuddling, and junk. I used to feel confused over the question "Is it doing more harm that my little girl thinks Daddy's are SUPPOSED to sleep on the couch" or would it be worse if I just left her Mommy to find somebody else. It's a VERY tough call.

Perhaps by 'your' example of faithfullness, your husband will come around. Get plugged into a church. Pray. God has affected change on 'worse' men than your husband.

d- I believe you give good advice about praying and getting into a church. I believe prayer can help. I just don't know about him changing. I think it's possible with maybe a serious threat of a divorce or separation. I hear ultimatums aren't a good solution to this kind of problem though. I suppose he has to want to change and that,I don't know.He really has to dig himself out of well....himself. Maybe him realizing that the kids could end up acting like him when they grow up. I have seen a nice side of him....I know it's there somewhere.

 

[Trinity]

ok guys keep on posting I got to go for now, have to take the boy's up to the school to get their faces painted for the varisty football game. they are introducing the pee wee teams at halftime my son's thrilled he gets to run out on the field at halftime with all the big boy's. no daddy isnt going, he's not home of course, where is he? your guess is as good as mine.






be back on later tonight!!!

 

[dmp]

d- I believe you give good advice about praying and getting into a church. I believe prayer can help. I just don't know about him changing. I think it's possible with maybe a serious threat of a divorce or separation. I hear ultimatums aren't a good solution to this kind of problem though. I suppose he has to want to change and that,I don't know.He really has to dig himself out of well....himself. Maybe him realizing that the kids could end up acting like him when they grow up. I have seen a nice side of him....I know it's there somewhere.

Do you believe God can change his Heart?

I pray like this: "God, I believe you can change my wife...or me...help my unbelief."

 

[krisy]

So was my Dad..Great guy, everyone liked him...The only problem was he beat
the hell outta my mom several times a week.

My Mothers mistake was staying with him.

Hopefully khafley hasn't seen physical abuse yet, but my bet is she has.
If not, from what she has posted, she will..It's just a matter of when.

So, khafley, my advise to you if I may be so bold to give it is this....
Take some positive action to change your situation. I think you've started here
so don't stop now. You may end with divorce, but it's better than living in hell, especially for the children. Believe me.

Just the opinion of someone that grew up in a similar situation.

Whatever she decides to do-we (her family) are always behind her!!!!!

 

[Mr. P]

No not yet, but i excpect it will come in time, His father was very abusive physically and verballyto his mother. I had been with an abusive man before, and told my husband now, if he ever laid a finger on me he be looking down the barrel of his own shotgun.




Thanks P ......... I am working on that plan right now

You're welcome young lady.

One more thing...while you're "working on it", look at
yourself and figure out why you have chosen "TWO" abusers.
That's a BIG red flag (pattern) and something you must identify and deal with.
If you end in Divorce, your future Happiness will depend on you not repeating the past.
Hell, ya don't want to do the same thing again, do you? I don't think so.

OH.....leave the shotgun alone..you don't need that problem...

 

[Joz]

I so agree with you on this., but I must say when he hurls insults, I know better and I don't really give a rat's ass what he thinks, so his verbal and mental abuse just is not working on me!!!.....

If you 'didn't give a rat's ass' you wouldn't have posted this. And if you think this isn't working on you or your children, you are sadly mistaken. Take it from someone who knows, not to this extent, I got out!

 

[Moi]

If you 'didn't give a rat's ass' you wouldn't have posted this. And if you think this isn't working on you or your children, you are sadly mistaken. Take it from someone who knows, not to this extent, I got out!

Absolutely right. Verbal abuse and disrespect are learned behaviors. Unless you want your kids to end up just like an abuser, don't let an abuser around your kids.

I might add that seeing an unhealthy marriage is just as much of a lesson. Children need to see people treating each other with respect- all of the time, not just when the person is happy.

Don't let anything stand in the way of you making the situation better for yourself. There are many agencies/people who are willing to assist you in taking the right steps. I'm not being cavalier, I know it would be difficult. But there is no justification for treating someone that way, especially family. There just isn't and worse yet, nothing will make up for it if he hurts your kids' chances of success in life as a person, a parent or a spouse.

 

[dmp]

[sarcasm = on]
Yeah!! Just look out for YOURSELF!! If the situations sux, GIVE UP!!
[sarcasm = off]



I can't believe some of the things I read on the internet.

(sigh)

 

[freeandfun1]

[sarcasm = on]
Yeah!! Just look out for YOURSELF!! If the situations sux, GIVE UP!!
[sarcasm = off]



I can't believe some of the things I read on the internet.

(sigh)

unless you have experienced what she is describing, it is easy for YOU to say, 'work it out'. I lived with somebody that wouldn't work it out no matter how much anybody tried. He sounds the same. It is up to her to decide based on what she sees, many of us are just giving advice based on what we have experienced and letting her know that she is not alone in her experience.

It sounds like you have a great marriage and for that, I am truly happy. But just because you have one, that does not mean everybody else does. Some people are just the way they are and nobody can change them. If the way they are is damaging, then a decision has to be made.

And as far as passing it on..... sure, the children have probably learned some very bad traits that they will carry on to their own marriages. However, the sooner they get out of the situation they find themselves in, the better chance of them learning the right way to behave in a marriage. You're taking the position that its too late and it is never too late. Why should anybody have to endure ridicule, verbal abuse, mental abuse or any kind of abuse on a regular basis? When we make a mistake in life we have to admit it and move on or we are sure to have a miserable life. Is she supposed to continue to "take this" because she made a bad decision? If the man does not know how to love, she cannot teach him. And if he is not willing to learn how (through Church, counseling or whatever) then it ain't gonna work.

 

[Moi]

[sarcasm = on]
Yeah!! Just look out for YOURSELF!! If the situations sux, GIVE UP!!
[sarcasm = off]



I can't believe some of the things I read on the internet.

(sigh)

And I can't believe some of the antiquarian beliefs of some people that a woman should allow a man to verbally abuse her and take advantage of her in this way. Moreover that anyone would advocate raising children in such a situation.

NO ONE, NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON has advocated that she look out only for herself and "give up". First of all, she has kids so they are a consideration. Some have presented very clear ideas of how to achieve better communication, some supported her belief that she not be treated this way, some have expressed evidence that people who are unwilling to change never do and we've expressed support for her that no matter what she does, she'll get through this difficult period.

Giving up (to everyone but you it would seem) would mean staying in a situation that is bound to cause harm to her and her children.

 

[jimnyc]

Wow, how did I miss out on this thread?

khafley, I'm far from being someone that has earned the right to give you advice on marriages, but I can offer a bit of advice on life in general. You need to always do what your heart tells you. The mind sometimes gets overwhelmed with advice from others and much thinking and laboring over painful decisions that need to be made. It's then that you need to listen to your heart the most.

Sometimes working hard for something makes it stronger. Sometimes knowing when to cut loose saves us lots of grief.

My wife has changed my life. My child has changed my life. My perseverance to make things better has changed my life, as did the lack of.

I do know that good things were ultimately found when I followed my heart. I have also been lead down some bad roads and rough times when I ignored my own feelings.

My point is, your answers are right there inside of you waiting to be found. ONLY YOU know what makes you and your children happy, and that's the most important thing. What you do to find that happiness is up to you.

 

[Moi]

My wife has changed my life. My child has changed my life.

But of course we have!

 

[Joz]

Take it from someone who knows, not to this extent, I got out!

When I posted this I was on my way out the door. I need to set the record straight.

The man I married was a gentle, christian man. Was ordained as a Head Deacon in the church. Was a good provider and became a good father, tho' he didn't have much of an example to follow. I had the 'perfect marriage' if there is such a thing. Fifteen years into this marriage, BOOM!
What happened? He won't find out. He refused to get help so six years after it started we seperated.
MY therapist thinks he may have a dual personality, but that's just a hunch. He's a business man that is very liked. Possibly, he's been depressed since early youth.

For his future, he needs to find out the cause. He wants to reconcile.....wants the girl he married....won't happen.....says he's changed....not really. I have.

I was attracted to Musicman for his gentleness......we'll see.

 

[Annie]

When it comes to 'adults' the idea of working a marriage out makes sense. When the marriage starts to hurt the progeny of the marriage, someone should step in. Too often, both parents ignor the hurt to the kids. I may have early, but when it became manifest, I acted.

I had three children, when I realized I couldn't take it any more. My oldest was 9 and youngest 6. We were in marriage counseling, when the youngest entered Kindergarten, it was suggested that we get 'family counseling.' After 1 session, the LCSW said, the 'problems' seemed to be flowing from the 'dad' and youngest child, a son. They began counseling. Problems at home escalated to the husband physically abusing the dog. The worst he did to 'us' was throwing his keys at the youngest and hitting him in the head.

I kicked him out of the house then. I filed for divorce the next day. 4/1 (April fool!) That was 4/1/89. Divorce was granted 5/20/94. :read: During this time, I had 3 children, a house, and was receiving $50 month support. My parents were paying our bills. I could post details, but won't do anything but depress all of us.

When the youngest was in 2nd grade, he literally attacked a female classmate, trying to 'feel her up.' He had observed his dad doing this with a 'girlfriend'. The 3rd grade son did similar with a classmate, then apologized to her. The youngest was kicked out of school, the other reported to police. Both had a psychiatrist petition the court for a cessation of visitation, until the father received parenting classes, along with his 'girlfriend.' My daughter, 11 at the time, said they made her too uncomfortable to visit with. She testified in court, that she 'pretended to be asleep' on a sofa, while her father and girlfried played out a rape scene. She couldn't say anything, because she was afraid.

After 2 more years the visits with father, who failed to fulfill the counseling requirements ordered by the court, were stopped. During this period, until the courts stopped the visits, I was arrested twice, for interferring with visitation. Financially it was a huge blow for my parents, ($2400 total), none of it would have happened if not for my brother being in managerial position with police department, the ex still tried to sue the police department and the psychiatrist, he lost, but the psychiatrist moved from Il. because of this.

The Police department maintained they had to follow 'the law' not the 'intent.' In my case, the problem with visitation had nothing to do with 'support' but instead the 'best interests of the child', there was no accomodation. I'm still in fear that is the reason I'm not getting a teaching position in the public schools, as this is a 'children affected offense' which should have been expunged, but who knows?

Today my kids are 23-19. They have contact with their father, though it's sporadic and seems aimed for the oldest and youngest to 'getting money.' The middle child, well he loves his siblings from the new marriage, which is now going through a divorce. His take, he was 8 when this happened, "Mom, they are too young to be going through this. I have to help them. Can you help?" Damn.

 

[gaffer]

Khafley is my daughter. I keep tabs on her and support whatever she tries to do. I didn't have anything to do with her first marriage. I did have a lot to do with helping her get out of it, the guys still in prison.

As for the neanderthal she's married too now. Its true he can be a nice guy, but he can turn mean in a heartbeat. He will holler and scream at her till the viens are sticking out on his neck and head. He will do this in front of anyone including strangers. When this has happened in front of me I sit and wait. She handles it or ignores him and he usually leaves shortly after that. He would never hit her when this went on so I remain quiet unless asked to step in by her. She never asks so I don't interfer. But all he had to do is hit her and she won't have to worry about divorcing him.

Its the uprooting the kids and starting over with nothing that worries her the most. There's no love or respect in the relationship, its just convenience and finacial security keeping it together right now.

She does have backing from the rest of the family. And I have already told her my ideas and offer of help. SHe just has to make her decision of when she wants to do it. Its not a matter of if its a matter of when.

 

[Annie]

Khafley is my daughter. I keep tabs on her and support whatever she tries to do. I didn't have anything to do with her first marriage. I did have a lot to do with helping her get out of it, the guys still in prison.

As for the neanderthal she's married too now. Its true he can be a nice guy, but he can turn mean in a heartbeat. He will holler and scream at her till the viens are sticking out on his neck and head. He will do this in front of anyone including strangers. When this has happened in front of me I sit and wait. She handles it or ignores him and he usually leaves shortly after that. He would never hit her when this went on so I remain quiet unless asked to step in by her. She never asks so I don't interfer. But all he had to do is hit her and she won't have to worry about divorcing him.

Its the uprooting the kids and starting over with nothing that worries her the most. There's no love or respect in the relationship, its just convenience and finacial security keeping it together right now.

She does have backing from the rest of the family. And I have already told her my ideas and offer of help. SHe just has to make her decision of when she wants to do it. Its not a matter of if its a matter of when.

Gaffer, all I can say is my mom was in reasonable health at the beginning of my divorce. Before it was finished, she'd had her first stroke and went downhill from there. I was lucky that between my brother and I we were able to make her comfortable. Problem is, cost my dad over $300k in 2 years. Now he has health problems and no $. My brother can probably withstand 200k, but that's about it. Me? Zip. I'm trying to stave off bankruptcy now...

 

[Joz]

Khafley is my daughter. I keep tabs on her and support whatever she tries to do.....
Its the uprooting the kids and starting over with nothing that worries her the most. There's no love or respect in the relationship, its just convenience and finacial security keeping it together right now.
...... Its not a matter of if its a matter of when.

How so very hard it must be for you as a father to stand by & see your daughter go thru this. I know your heart breaks. But I also respect you for your decision.

Please trust me, there is more harm being done now than uprooting will EVER do. Money is not worth it. I'm not saying she won't have a hard time. But in the long run, she's paying a VERY HIGH PRICE now.

Please continue to give her the love, support & encouragement she needs to do this. The sooner, the better.

 

[Zhukov]

Kahfley,

As others have stated and as I'm sure you know, your children's welfare must be your priority, but...

What do you want?




Is what you want attainable? or even possible?

If so, understand what exactly it is you want, why you want it, and most importantly the consequences of getting it.

If, after all that, you still want it, then all that's left to do is to get it.

Otherwise, resign yourself to being miserable for the rest of your life.

 

[Joz]

Kahfley,
...... your children's welfare must be your priority, but...

Let me reiterate the harm that is being & has been done. If the children are as important as 'everyone says'.....time's a wastin'.

You see Khaf, what will happen to your children, if something happens to you? You being dead or in the nut house isn't going to help anyone. Guess who will raise your children? Oh, your family can drag your husband, & with him, your children thru court. But do you want that?

YOU CANNOT GIVE SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE. Understand that, please. If you donot have peace of mind, you cannot give this to your children. If you donot have the strength to do this, your children will not have strength. Or independance, or kindness or mental health or.........

Money is important and life sure is shitty without it. There are places for you to go to be safe & people other than your family that can help you.