i am scared

Discussion in 'Health and Lifestyle' started by strollingbones, May 3, 2009.

  1. strollingbones
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    strollingbones Diamond Member

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    that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

    now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

    in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

    so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

    there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.
     
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  2. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    I read this twice and I'm still not sure what you are afraid of but I'm pretty certain that asking for help was one of the hardest things you've ever done. It doesn't make you a pussy ya know.
     
  3. Article 15
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    Article 15 Dr. House slayer

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    It sounds like her Mom is dying, Dillo.

    Bones, I don't know what to tell ya other than I'll be sending happy thoughts your way.
     
  4. Old Rocks
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    Old Rocks Diamond Member

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    I really don't know what to say to help you. If you have a close freind that has a level head, you need to talk to that freind now. This is not a situation to try to handle alone.

    There are associations for people that are going through the situation that you are facing. If you live in a big enough town for there to be a local branch, get hold of them and see how they can help you.

    Most of all, get somebody to talk to, someone with a shoulder to cry on. In this type of situation, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it is a matter of mental survival. You have all my sympathy, and I hope this does not become totaly overwhelming for you.
     
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  5. eots
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    eots no fly list

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    The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
    He leadeth me beside the still waters.
    He restoreth my soul:
    He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.



    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
    Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
    Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.



    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
    and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
     
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  6. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    That's certainly a possiblity. Maybe she will be willing to elaborate with someone, eventually.
     
  7. Old Rocks
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    Old Rocks Diamond Member

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    It sounds like something more devastating to me, like Alzheimers.
     
  8. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    Bones, what April 15 said. I lost my mom in '04, then my dad in '07. Did all I could for them, but couldn't come close to what the did for me or my kids. It's very hard. If you need a shoulder, I'm here.
     
  9. RodISHI
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    RodISHI Gold Member

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    It is a pretty normal feeling when you have no control over a situation when someone you love is hurting, sick, infirmed or dying.

    I'm fairly you will get through this. Emotional trauma is tougher to get through than physical trauma many times. Your not alone in that.

    When you find yourself losing it get someone to chat with about it. It will help.

    Find local help you can trust to help you find out what you will need to do for mom.

    If you need an ear, I'm available. Not worth much but I can listen.
     
  10. strollingbones
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    strollingbones Diamond Member

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    my mom has dementia...not sure what kind..that is what we are hoping to accesss...she is very good at hiding it...sticking to a routine....never saying much more than she has too...she is not a stupid woman...she knows her mind is failing...one of my mom's biggest fears is a nursing home...when i was 14 she made me swear i would never put her in one...mom had issues about that even then...

    i know what the tests will show...that she can no longer live alone...i will have to take her independance...her ability to drive...etc..i will have to move her closer to me...she cant stand 4 hours away...

    i keep hoping that if they remove her from the statens...her memory might improve...

    for all practical purposes i have lost "my mom" already...i see glimpse of her humor still...when i am trying to deal with something with her...and i say..."you really do live in the moment" she still gets it..

    this sounds horrible...but her best friend forever....is in poor health...her last friend left...i was hoping that she could stay down where she lives till her friend passes...my father is buried there too...it will be hard for her to move away...

    at this point my plan.....what little plan i have...is to wait on the results...its just i cant stop thinking and feeling guilty...i feel like i should be living with her...not here....but with her....taking care of her...but she wont have that...i have ask for a power of attorney a limited one....that little old lady has a foul mouth...she said "fuck no"...i have a living will and a power of attorney is she becomes incaptiated...
    i forget what its all called...

    thanks for listening yall....

    i am not one to really be this personal on a board....but right now most of the people i know in reality are so pissed at me...with good reason...face it who wants to be around someone who goes from totally ranting to sobbing like there is no tomorrow...plus i havent told but one of my best friends what is going on.....my social friends just think i have decided to be the biggest bitch on earth.

    i did tell a couple of customers....kinda hard not too when y ou cant wait on them for the sobbing...and they are being kind...

    i think my husband is catching the worst of it...i am taking a lot of it out on him...my being unhappy is driving him crazy and then he gets angry too...fuck given my past history i will drive him away....and be alone. i dont mind alone. but i do mind losing a man who truly loves and accepts me...cause i am in crisis. you can only ask so much understanding of one person...i cant give 50% right now...i just cant...i told him that....he is trying but its hard on him...basically the stress is effecting everything i do...or dont do....i cant even go into my glass studio..which i need to do...it does keep you from thinking...creativity...is good for the soul...

    thanks for the pray eots...thanks all of you for listening....

    and yes duckie ...i know i can call on you to listen....you always have and i guess you always will no matter how mouthy i get
     

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