I almost had a heart attack.

[AllieBaba]

I called in sick because I am sick, can't talk, can't breathe, don't want to work. But honestly, I can't talk.

So I got my fifth of bacardi gold and came home with it and ALMOST COULDN'T OPEN IT! Panic! True terror! It's like, if you can't call in sick and then drink yourself well, why not just go to work and infect all the assheads you come into contact with?

Luckily, I was able to open it. Enjoy my drunken ramblings as I proceed to drink it.

BTW...if you ever find yourself with a bottle of fine (that means with a real cork) wine in the wilderness and NO FUCKING CORKSCREW (I have bought hundreds of them in my time. I never have one. NO clue where they go) you can oust the cork by tapping the bottom of the bottle (medium gentle) against a tree trunk, exposed root (best) or if you must, a block of wood.

It will come out. Takes a bit of tapping. Provides about 15 minutes of drunken hilarity for all.

 

[AllieBaba]

I've actually opened Veuve Clicquot that way.

 

[uscitizen]

I have been carrying a swiss army knife for about 30 years. Same knife.
No problem with the wine or rebuilding a helicopter with it

 

[AllieBaba]

With expensive champagne, it's best to use a horse blanket over the cork end and only bounce it vertically, or you waste precious grapeau.

 

[AllieBaba]

I have been carrying a swiss army knife for about 30 years. Same knife.
No problem with the wine or rebuilding a helicopter with it

Duct tape works for helicopters and light aircraft.

I've never tried it on fine wine. I'm sure there's a way to do it though.

 

[Ringel05]

I called in sick because I am sick, can't talk, can't breathe, don't want to work. But honestly, I can't talk.

So I got my fifth of bacardi gold and came home with it and ALMOST COULDN'T OPEN IT! Panic! True terror! It's like, if you can't call in sick and then drink yourself well, why not just go to work and infect all the assheads you come into contact with?

Luckily, I was able to open it. Enjoy my drunken ramblings as I proceed to drink it.

BTW...if you ever find yourself with a bottle of fine (that means with a real cork) wine in the wilderness and NO FUCKING CORKSCREW (I have bought hundreds of them in my time. I never have one. NO clue where they go) you can oust the cork by tapping the bottom of the bottle (medium gentle) against a tree trunk, exposed root (best) or if you must, a block of wood.

It will come out. Takes a bit of tapping. Provides about 15 minutes of drunken hilarity for all.

You can't possibly be sick. You fingers are working just fine. Now get back to work!

 

[AllieBaba]

I actually perform better at everythign while half or entirely toasted.

Unfortunately, I smell like a still and occasionally say wildly inappropriate things.

I often say wildly inappropriate things, but people don't think it's so funny if I reek of alcholol at the same time.

FOR EXAMPLE...when my boss insisted I attend a CHRISTIAN fundraiser for some weird thing, can't remember what...on my DAY FUCKING OFF, my beloved bastard ex and I arrived in the middle of our second fifth. Did NOT fly entirely well, though we were certainly the life of that particular party. "GARCON! GARCON! BRING ME SOME MORE OF THAT CRAP!"

Thank goodness I wasn't on the clock. And also thank goodness I knew things about the fundraiser hostess' husband that she'd probably rather weren't shared with the general public.

 

[Diuretic]

Damnit. My previous actions when faced with a cork in a bottle and no corkscrew was to break the neck of the bottle and then strain the wine through some material to avoid the shards of glass. I never thought about being subtle. Blast it.

Anyway we have lots of wines with screw tops now, saves the cork business and also avoids taint.

I agree, not being able to get the bottle open is enough to bring on an anxiety attack in even the most non-neurotic individual. It's truly frightening.

 

[Big Black Dog]

If you drink Jack Daniels you don't have to worry about a cork!

 

[strollingbones]

yall are friggin sad.....sad i say....









<---goes nuts with no pipe or papers...or worse.....no friggin lighter or one that will fuck with ya....lights every 15th time....

 

[Procrustes Stretched]

I called in sick because I am sick, can't talk, can't breathe, don't want to work. But honestly, I can't talk.

So I got my fifth of bacardi gold and came home with it and ALMOST COULDN'T OPEN IT! Panic! True terror! It's like, if you can't call in sick and then drink yourself well, why not just go to work and infect all the assheads you come into contact with?

Luckily, I was able to open it. Enjoy my drunken ramblings as I proceed to drink it.

BTW...if you ever find yourself with a bottle of fine (that means with a real cork) wine in the wilderness and NO FUCKING CORKSCREW (I have bought hundreds of them in my time. I never have one. NO clue where they go) you can oust the cork by tapping the bottom of the bottle (medium gentle) against a tree trunk, exposed root (best) or if you must, a block of wood.

It will come out. Takes a bit of tapping. Provides about 15 minutes of drunken hilarity for all.

are you trying to get people to break perfectly good bottles of wine, or is this a fact?

 

[Valerie]

I called in sick because I am sick, can't talk, can't breathe, don't want to work. But honestly, I can't talk.

So I got my fifth of bacardi gold and came home with it and ALMOST COULDN'T OPEN IT! Panic! True terror! It's like, if you can't call in sick and then drink yourself well, why not just go to work and infect all the assheads you come into contact with?

Luckily, I was able to open it. Enjoy my drunken ramblings as I proceed to drink it.

BTW...if you ever find yourself with a bottle of fine (that means with a real cork) wine in the wilderness and NO FUCKING CORKSCREW (I have bought hundreds of them in my time. I never have one. NO clue where they go) you can oust the cork by tapping the bottom of the bottle (medium gentle) against a tree trunk, exposed root (best) or if you must, a block of wood.

It will come out. Takes a bit of tapping. Provides about 15 minutes of drunken hilarity for all.

Allie!

If you're sick you should be resting and hydrating yourself not drinking alcohol which will dehydrate you! Although maybe it can serve to kill some bad germs?


That said, I remember long long long ago once upon a time in my youth, being in a pinch without a corkscrew and pushing the cork clean INto the bottle of wine!

 

[strollingbones]

i have never heard of the tapping the wine bottle...we just pushed the cork into the wine.....you should never spew the bubblie...if you know how to open it

 

[Skull Pilot]

if you were well enough to drive to the liquor store then you were well enough to go to work.

 

[ABikerSailor]

yall are friggin sad.....sad i say....









<---goes nuts with no pipe or papers...or worse.....no friggin lighter or one that will fuck with ya....lights every 15th time....

I can go one better for ya.........being out of Bics, but having several full Zippos in the house.................

With a full grinder of grade A smoke.............

For all of you that don't get the reference? Well.......the fuel that lights a Zippo leaves a taste on whatever you light with it. You don't notice it with cigarettes though, as the tobacco in cigarettes already has a bunch of crap in it.

Never light a good cigar with anything other than butane (or any other excellent smokables that you happen to have around the house).

Know what REALLY sucks?

Out of weed is a bad place indeed. But......a friend with weed is a friend indeed!

 

[AllieBaba]

yall are friggin sad.....sad i say....


<---goes nuts with no pipe or papers...or worse.....no friggin lighter or one that will fuck with ya....lights every 15th time....

I got it open, then took about one sip and hit the sack and slept for hours.

Went to work today. I sound like a big barking dog and my nose and throat hurts, and every now and then I cough a little. But no fever. I get hit by the throat thing every couple of months. Scares me because my dad died of larnyx cancer.

Bones, use a piece of spaghetti and the toaster. It's like a punk.