I was on Maxim's website and saw they had the 100 funniest jokes of all-time. Here's a few of the funniest ones. Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: "Does this smell like chloroform?" ***** A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group. The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck." ***** A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200." ***** Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes??? ***** Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months." His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find." ***** A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical. "Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks. "That depends," says the doctor. "Do you smoke?" "No." "Do you drink?"
"No." "Do you fool around with loose women?" "Of course not."
"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?" ***** A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the driver's window and asks what's going on. "Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?" "Reading a magazine, of course." "How old are you?" asks the officer. "I'm 23."
"And how old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes she'll be 18." ***** A man walks up to a woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?" She quickly replies, "Yes." So then he asks, "Would you sleep with me for $20?" Astounded by the question she says, "Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?" He says, "Well we've already determined that. Now I'm just working on the price." ***** With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife. "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says. The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." He answers, "I wasn't talking to you." ***** Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A: Marry it. ***** Q: Why do bulimics love KFC? A: Because it comes with a bucket. ***** A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year." ***** A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance." ***** Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows. "That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man. "Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."