Dear fellow Americans,
I have kept my promise to you and have closed the facility at Guantanamo Bay. I have done my very best to place these very sensitive misunderstood individuals in countries where they would be made to feel at home. These countries have fallen short of their responsibility and obligations to the world community and the United Nations. Again, they have told me to kiss off.
Therefore, my dear Americans, I am forced to turn to you. Americans have always been the most generous people on earth, and I am confident you will come through again. We here in the congress have just recently passed legislation on the 'Adopt a Terrorist program." Just as you have shown your generosity in adopting stay dogs and cats, sometimes human babies, we know that you will be interested in our new program.
Enclosed you will find an application, please fill out and return with full financial records, and 6 personal hand written reference letters as to your character and kindness. Once you have been accepted into the program we will send you a picture of your terrorist. Your terrorist will mail you a letter describing his life, his education, his family, his extra-curricular activities and cite 250 verses from the Koran. This way we feel confident that you will learn about him before he moves into your home with you, and in so doing feel welcomed and loved by you. There are some restrictions for potential adopters and they are as follows:
1. Your home can have no bath tub, pool, pond or hot tub. As you know these very sensitive individuals were dunked by the previous administration's CIA, and held under water so long that they came up gasping for air. My brother used to do that to me when we were kids and I will never forget that experience.. As you can see, these were such traumatic episodes that even a visual of that scenario sends these individuals into a trance like state.
2. You can have no dogs. Butch the six pound toy poodle was a terrifying beast at the facility in Guantanamo bay, terrorizing these poor individuals by continually yapping and nipping at their heals. The sight of any dog causes such a reaction from these very sensitive individuals that they break out in a cold sweat and sometimes even faint.
3. No smoking- these poor people were subjected to having smoke blown into their faces by those big burly cia agents from the previous administration. To this day we are having our physicians check them to make sure they have not come down with the dreadful disease know as, " Second Hand Smoke Inhalation." As you know, I smoke, and as much as I would love to adopt a terrorist I believe in my heart that during a weak period I might light up and frighten the poor terrorist to death.
I realize that the response to my new program, "Adopt a Terrorist," will be so popular that the supply of terrorists from Guantanamo bay will disappear overnight. But don't fret dear Americans, we will have a steady supply of them coming from Iraq and Afghanistan. If you will just be patient, you can have a terrorist all to your own to adopt.
God Bless rothfllmao
I have kept my promise to you and have closed the facility at Guantanamo Bay. I have done my very best to place these very sensitive misunderstood individuals in countries where they would be made to feel at home. These countries have fallen short of their responsibility and obligations to the world community and the United Nations. Again, they have told me to kiss off.
Therefore, my dear Americans, I am forced to turn to you. Americans have always been the most generous people on earth, and I am confident you will come through again. We here in the congress have just recently passed legislation on the 'Adopt a Terrorist program." Just as you have shown your generosity in adopting stay dogs and cats, sometimes human babies, we know that you will be interested in our new program.
Enclosed you will find an application, please fill out and return with full financial records, and 6 personal hand written reference letters as to your character and kindness. Once you have been accepted into the program we will send you a picture of your terrorist. Your terrorist will mail you a letter describing his life, his education, his family, his extra-curricular activities and cite 250 verses from the Koran. This way we feel confident that you will learn about him before he moves into your home with you, and in so doing feel welcomed and loved by you. There are some restrictions for potential adopters and they are as follows:
1. Your home can have no bath tub, pool, pond or hot tub. As you know these very sensitive individuals were dunked by the previous administration's CIA, and held under water so long that they came up gasping for air. My brother used to do that to me when we were kids and I will never forget that experience.. As you can see, these were such traumatic episodes that even a visual of that scenario sends these individuals into a trance like state.
2. You can have no dogs. Butch the six pound toy poodle was a terrifying beast at the facility in Guantanamo bay, terrorizing these poor individuals by continually yapping and nipping at their heals. The sight of any dog causes such a reaction from these very sensitive individuals that they break out in a cold sweat and sometimes even faint.
3. No smoking- these poor people were subjected to having smoke blown into their faces by those big burly cia agents from the previous administration. To this day we are having our physicians check them to make sure they have not come down with the dreadful disease know as, " Second Hand Smoke Inhalation." As you know, I smoke, and as much as I would love to adopt a terrorist I believe in my heart that during a weak period I might light up and frighten the poor terrorist to death.
I realize that the response to my new program, "Adopt a Terrorist," will be so popular that the supply of terrorists from Guantanamo bay will disappear overnight. But don't fret dear Americans, we will have a steady supply of them coming from Iraq and Afghanistan. If you will just be patient, you can have a terrorist all to your own to adopt.
God Bless rothfllmao
