Ladies and gents of USMB, I have just returned from a day of combat in the field. It was a frightening day, indeed, but I've returned safe. I want to help all of you realize that YOU can also help President Obama in our current war effort that has arisen from this unfathomable suprise attack we have experienced. Let me begin by briefing you of today's combat: I awoke this morning and in my bathroom cabinet I observed a sneaky bottle of hair clipper oil that was positioned in a snipers spot behind my set of standard hair clippers. Luckily, I secured that bottle and burned it in the back yard. Whewww! Close call. I then had to go to the local store for some errands and a prisoner pick-up at Wal-Mart. I picked up 5 bottles of Valvoline 10W-30 motor oil. These bottles were taken out to the country next to a berm. I had a revolver, and shot them bottles of oil dead on the spot. Hey, no room for POW's in this war, we got a planet to save. I returned home to find my house under attack. I entered and observed my very hot girlfriend under seige. She was cooking at the stove, and what did I observe next to her? A bottle of cooking oil, UNCAPPED, in her hand. That oil was about to release a suprise attack and drown her. I promptly captured it and burned it in the same spot that hair clipper oil met it's fate. And just as I thought my unit was safely at home for the day, I was ambushed. I was working in my garage repairing my gas-free bicycle. I reached onto a top shelf for a wrench, and what happened? A massive red plastic container fell off the top shelf onto my head. It was filled with.............yes, gasoline. The suprise attack was made worse as the gas cans torpedo tube, aka the "cap", was opened, and some of the evil substance splashed onto me. I wrestled the can to the ground, where more of it began to leak out. During the epic fight for both our lives, I smothered the gas with sand, then grabbed a wooden baseball bat and began to beat the red can repeatedly. The oil continued it's assault until my frightened girlfriend made it in there to help bring more sand. Thank God....she made it out safe. The battle continued for minutes....maybe even an hour, until I had beaten and smothered all the evil.....probably a BP funded ambush, I can't be sure. But, my fellow patriots, as our president said, we must be vigilant. Keep your eyes up and your head down. Oil and it's by-products are on an all out assault on America. Obama said so himself, and it is up to us to defend this homeland. Together, with the leadership of our great president, we can win this new and more dangerous Gulf War before it's too late. God Bless and be safe out there men.