How would you handle this dilemma regarding a daughter's confiscated cell phone?

[Middleman]

There's nothing too exciting there. The boy who asked her to homecoming really likes her, he was rejected the two previous years in a row, and he was wanting to be more than friends, and it sounds like my daughter was feeling a little overwhelmed with his attentions. All the texts were G rated. She already told me some of this after the Homecoming dance.

When I spoke to my other daughter's friend yesterday morning, she told me that my daughter was trying to let the boy down gently without being mean, because if she seemed mean about it she would get a bad reputation in school for being mean. The boy is well liked, but looks young for his age so hasn't been popular with girls. I've met him and like him. But my daughter doesn't want him as a boyfriend.

 

[Middleman]

LOL, in one of the texts, her friend is mentioning some other boy who got his phone taken away. LOL, taking away these phones is the latest counter-terrorism tool for parents these days!

 

[Foxfyre]

There's nothing too exciting there. The boy who asked her to homecoming really likes her, he was rejected the two previous years in a row, and he was wanting to be more than friends, and it sounds like my daughter was feeling a little overwhelmed with his attentions. All the texts were G rated. She already told me some of this after the Homecoming dance.

When I spoke to my other daughter's friend yesterday morning, she told me that my daughter was trying to let the boy down gently without being mean, because if she seemed mean about it she would get a bad reputation in school for being mean. The boy is well liked, but looks young for his age so hasn't been popular with girls. I've met him and like him. But my daughter doesn't want him as a boyfriend.

The more you tell us about this kid, the better I like her. She sounds like a perfectly normal 14-year-old who will push the envelope as all 14-year-olds do, but with a Dad who has instilled some proper values and virtues and who is a good person. She's a keeper.

 

[kwc57]

By not trusting her, she loses a bit of trust in you. You'll scour the phone to find out she's a good kid, which apparently you weren't able to tell from the start.

So what do you think she's learned from this? What have you taught her?

Accountability. She'll be forced to have it in the adult world. Any parent who doesn't raise their children with it are depriving their children and society.

 

[Middleman]

Yep, I think all is well. She can serve out her 1 week sentence, and then move on.

 

[Samson]

LOL, in one of the texts, her friend is mentioning some other boy who got his phone taken away. LOL, taking away these phones is the latest counter-terrorism tool for parents these days!

Actually, Verizon offeres all sorts of parental controls over their phones, but even without the extra monitoring, I thing the best feature is seeing WHEN they're on the phone. Every once in a while I make an issue of being up in the wee hours of school nights texting.

 

[kwc57]

And discuss regularly with the kids when texting is appropriate, and when it isn''t. And what is appropriate on facebook...and what isn't. It's not a place to spill your guts or to advertise your loneliness or your schedule.

I think the kids rely on texting too much. They want to discuss everything via text.

That was part of this whole problem. I need a real conversation before making a decision regarding giving permission for something. I think texting is not an appropriate media for important conversations.

Amen to that. My son is 17 now. When he was 15 and 16, he was dating a particular girl. They texted constantly. They constantly got in fights over the texts. There is no facial expression or tone of voice in a text. My wife and I counseled both of them numerous times that they could say in a 10 minute phone coversation what it took them over an hour to text to one another. They could hear each other's voice and know HOW something was said. They could avoid the numerous fights and have a better relationship. But NOOOOOO! They continued texting and fighting and broke up. Seems that with texting, you can carry on as many conversations with your friends as you want while a phone call one on one is just too limiting.

 

[Samson]

And discuss regularly with the kids when texting is appropriate, and when it isn''t. And what is appropriate on facebook...and what isn't. It's not a place to spill your guts or to advertise your loneliness or your schedule.

I think the kids rely on texting too much. They want to discuss everything via text.

That was part of this whole problem. I need a real conversation before making a decision regarding giving permission for something. I think texting is not an appropriate media for important conversations.

Amen to that. My son is 17 now. When he was 15 and 16, he was dating a particular girl. They texted constantly. They constantly got in fights over the texts. There is no facial expression or tome of voice in a text. My wife and I counseled both of them numerous times that they could say in a 10 minute phone coversation what it took them over an hour to text to one another. They could hear each other's voice and know HOW something was said. They could avoid the numerous fights and have a better relationship. But NOOOOOO! They continued texting and fighting and broke up. Seems that with texting, you can carry on as many conversations with your friends as you want while a phone call one on one is just too limiting.

Too limiting?

You know what: Have you ever been talking to someone, and they begin fucking texting, like you're not even there?

CHRIST ON A BICYCLE, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!

 

[Annie]

LOL, in one of the texts, her friend is mentioning some other boy who got his phone taken away. LOL, taking away these phones is the latest counter-terrorism tool for parents these days!

I'm glad you are reassured, hope everything always stays this simple. Really I do.

Just for one minute though, imagine somehow your daughter saw these posts? I think you'd have a major meltdown on your hands. Not only for unlocking, which started it, but seems her angst about beginning of relationships and trial and errors are out there for strangers to read. Breach of trust works both ways.

 

[Middleman]

I think the kids rely on texting too much. They want to discuss everything via text.

That was part of this whole problem. I need a real conversation before making a decision regarding giving permission for something. I think texting is not an appropriate media for important conversations.

Amen to that. My son is 17 now. When he was 15 and 16, he was dating a particular girl. They texted constantly. They constantly got in fights over the texts. There is no facial expression or tome of voice in a text. My wife and I counseled both of them numerous times that they could say in a 10 minute phone coversation what it took them over an hour to text to one another. They could hear each other's voice and know HOW something was said. They could avoid the numerous fights and have a better relationship. But NOOOOOO! They continued texting and fighting and broke up. Seems that with texting, you can carry on as many conversations with your friends as you want while a phone call one on one is just too limiting.

Too limiting?

You know what: Have you ever been talking to someone, and they begin fucking texting, like you're not even there?

CHRIST ON A BICYCLE, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!

I would like the school to include etiquette in their tech courses. This is being done in some districts, to give students the tools they need in the workplace, and how to effectively use the various communications media. I suggested this to the district last year after reading about how it is being done elsewhere successfully.

 

[xotoxi]

Here is what I would do...

I would tell her that I trust her, but since she is a minor, since she lives in my house, and since I pay for all of her various services...that I would like to have complete access to all of her passwords. This is for her own safety.

I would tell her that I do not plan on monitoring her communications, but that if the need arises I would.

I would give her back her phone, allow her one hour to do with it whatever she would like, and then have her give it to you with the lock code. I would do the same with her facebook, myspace, and twitter accounts, and anything that requires a password.

I would tell her that at anytime I might access her accounts, and that if I cannot access them with the passwords given, she would permanently lose access to them.

The threat that I could possibly access them and read what she was writing, and possibly take them away from her, would hopefully prevent her from doing anything naughty with her communication devices.

I think the fact that she HAS a block activated on her phone is actually responsible on her part...so that someone else cannot get ahold of her phone and do something that they shouldn't, like sexting or something.

 

[Annie]

Here is what I would do...

I would tell her that I trust her, but since she is a minor, since she lives in my house, and since I pay for all of her various services...that I would like to have complete access to all of her passwords. This is for her own safety.

I would tell her that I do not plan on monitoring her communications, but that if the need arises I would.

I would give her back her phone, allow her one hour to do with it whatever she would like, and then have her give it to you with the lock code. I would do the same with her facebook, myspace, and twitter accounts, and anything that requires a password.

I would tell her that at anytime I might access her accounts, and that if I cannot access them with the passwords given, she would permanently lose access to them.

The threat that I could possibly access them and read what she was writing, and possibly take them away from her, would hopefully prevent her from doing anything naughty with her communication devices.

I think the fact that she HAS a block activated on her phone is actually responsible on her part...so that someone else cannot get ahold of her phone and do something that they shouldn't, like sexting or something.

I think that reasonable. Same as keeping privacy of room, as long as there are no big warning signs of serious problems arising. Face it, there should be lots of expressions of concern about behavior, attitude, etc., before one is driven to the unpleasant task of entering most teens bedrooms. Ewww.

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

1. Ask if their is anything on the phone she does want you to see.(images txt )
2.if yes ask her to delete the offending source.
3. ask her to remove the code and to not do things that will embarrass her in front of her parents or herself in retrospect.
4.Return the phone .

 

[Foxfyre]

I think the kids rely on texting too much. They want to discuss everything via text.

That was part of this whole problem. I need a real conversation before making a decision regarding giving permission for something. I think texting is not an appropriate media for important conversations.

It certainly is not an appropriate media for texting something you don't want plastered all over Facebook or otherwise made widely public. Ditto for pictures and other stuff that could be an embarrassment or used against you later on.

Confiscating the phone, and breaking into the photos with the secret code will not prevent the daughter's distribution of skanky pics if that's the way she wants to play (which I doubt based on MM's description of his daughter in the OP).

No, but kids are kids and don't always think of the long range ramifications of certain actions. (Of course some adults don't either to wit the nude photos of Dr. Laura that showed up on the internet awhile back. Brutally embarrassing for an otherwise upstanding and decent person.)

It's a discussion I think parents should have with their kids. You can't really trust anybody not to share on purpose or inadvertently a compromising comment or photo, etc., so just don't send that stuff on your phone or put it on Facebook or otherwise risk making it public.

 

[AllieBaba]

What bothers me is that, the phone wasn't previously locked. She locked it before I confiscated it. I had previously often used her phone to call my phone when I couldn't find mine.

So, she locked it before she handed it over. I think I will ask her why she did that.

For the most part she most likely locked it out of a desire of privacy than a need to hide something from you.
It isn't important that a parent can read the texts, in fact that would be strange. What is important that you know who your daughter associates with, and how often.
Don't worry about it - seriously.
-BUT- you might think about what I said about going online and learning who is the person behind the phone number that she is contacting/contacting her.

- EMPHASIZING - It is important to remember that teenagers and young adults do not have the ability to recognize danger like you can. They can be in a seriously compromising situation and be completely unaware of it.
Privacy for teens is important - as stated above. But it is not even close to as important than you looking out for her safety and well being.

I think kids probably lock their phones to keep their friends, siblings and strangers from accessing their information if they take or lose their phones.

I don't see a problem with locking it at all. But the parent needs access as well.

 

[AllieBaba]

It certainly is not an appropriate media for texting something you don't want plastered all over Facebook or otherwise made widely public. Ditto for pictures and other stuff that could be an embarrassment or used against you later on.

Confiscating the phone, and breaking into the photos with the secret code will not prevent the daughter's distribution of skanky pics if that's the way she wants to play (which I doubt based on MM's description of his daughter in the OP).

No, but kids are kids and don't always think of the long range ramifications of certain actions. (Of course some adults don't either to wit the nude photos of Dr. Laura that showed up on the internet awhile back. Brutally embarrassing for an otherwise upstanding and decent person.)

It's a discussion I think parents should have with their kids. You can't really trust anybody not to share on purpose or inadvertently a compromising comment or photo, etc., so just don't send that stuff on your phone or put it on Facebook or otherwise risk making it public.

good grief, what sort of scumbag makes nude photos of anyone public? What a horrible thing to do.

Which is why we should all teach our children (and more than once, make them internalize it) NUDE PHOTOS ARE NOT OKAY. It doesn't matter how old you are. Just say NO!

 

[Foxfyre]

Confiscating the phone, and breaking into the photos with the secret code will not prevent the daughter's distribution of skanky pics if that's the way she wants to play (which I doubt based on MM's description of his daughter in the OP).

No, but kids are kids and don't always think of the long range ramifications of certain actions. (Of course some adults don't either to wit the nude photos of Dr. Laura that showed up on the internet awhile back. Brutally embarrassing for an otherwise upstanding and decent person.)

It's a discussion I think parents should have with their kids. You can't really trust anybody not to share on purpose or inadvertently a compromising comment or photo, etc., so just don't send that stuff on your phone or put it on Facebook or otherwise risk making it public.

good grief, what sort of scumbag makes nude photos of anyone public? What a horrible thing to do.

Which is why we should all teach our children (and more than once, make them internalize it) NUDE PHOTOS ARE NOT OKAY. It doesn't matter how old you are. Just say NO!

With Dr. Laura, it was a college boyfriend. They were fooling around and she posed nude for some 'candid' shots. Then years later, long after she 'got religion' and became a grown up married professional with a kid and a career, this boy friend decided to post the pics on the internet. And of course her 'enemies' and 'critics' had a field day spreading them as far and wide as possible.

And yep. If there are pics or letters with compromising comments or texts or messages left on answering machines, etc., we are all vulnerable to that sort of thing. There are people who will post them for fun, or out of spite, or sell them to somebody else who will. Just not smart to put yourself at that kind of risk.

(I was horrified to learn how many teenage boys and girls are 'phoning' nude pictures of themselves to each other.)

 

[kwc57]

Amen to that. My son is 17 now. When he was 15 and 16, he was dating a particular girl. They texted constantly. They constantly got in fights over the texts. There is no facial expression or tome of voice in a text. My wife and I counseled both of them numerous times that they could say in a 10 minute phone coversation what it took them over an hour to text to one another. They could hear each other's voice and know HOW something was said. They could avoid the numerous fights and have a better relationship. But NOOOOOO! They continued texting and fighting and broke up. Seems that with texting, you can carry on as many conversations with your friends as you want while a phone call one on one is just too limiting.

Too limiting?

You know what: Have you ever been talking to someone, and they begin fucking texting, like you're not even there?

CHRIST ON A BICYCLE, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!

I would like the school to include etiquette in their tech courses. This is being done in some districts, to give students the tools they need in the workplace, and how to effectively use the various communications media. I suggested this to the district last year after reading about how it is being done elsewhere successfully.

Funny.......I can text my son just about any time of the school day and get an almost immediate response. When he goes to work, he won't respond. I'm working Dad! I respect that. We've hammered a work ethic and responsibility into him since he was little. We didn't buy him a car when he turned 16. We got a loan for a car. He had to get a job and pay the loan while still maintaining his grades at school. He got a job at a plant nursery with a buddy from school last spring. My son is still there and being given more responsibility and hours as time goes on. His buddy lasted a few months and got fired for being a slacker. The difference? The other kid has everything handed to him on a silver platter and expects that in a job. My son knows he has to perform or hit the road. The owner of the company told him it was because of his hard work and reliability that he is still there and his buddy isn't.

His buddy will probably wise up one of these days. He'll have to to survive in the adult world. My son at 17 is already equipped for that. My wife and I have made sure of it. I'm his dad first and his buddy second.

 

[Middleman]

No, but kids are kids and don't always think of the long range ramifications of certain actions. (Of course some adults don't either to wit the nude photos of Dr. Laura that showed up on the internet awhile back. Brutally embarrassing for an otherwise upstanding and decent person.)

It's a discussion I think parents should have with their kids. You can't really trust anybody not to share on purpose or inadvertently a compromising comment or photo, etc., so just don't send that stuff on your phone or put it on Facebook or otherwise risk making it public.

good grief, what sort of scumbag makes nude photos of anyone public? What a horrible thing to do.

Which is why we should all teach our children (and more than once, make them internalize it) NUDE PHOTOS ARE NOT OKAY. It doesn't matter how old you are. Just say NO!

With Dr. Laura, it was a college boyfriend. They were fooling around and she posed nude for some 'candid' shots. Then years later, long after she 'got religion' and became a grown up married professional with a kid and a career, this boy friend decided to post the pics on the internet. And of course her 'enemies' and 'critics' had a field day spreading them as far and wide as possible.

And yep. If there are pics or letters with compromising comments or texts or messages left on answering machines, etc., we are all vulnerable to that sort of thing. There are people who will post them for fun, or out of spite, or sell them to somebody else who will. Just not smart to put yourself at that kind of risk.

(I was horrified to learn how many teenage boys and girls are 'phoning' nude pictures of themselves to each other.)

I remember that story. It was her ex-boyfriend and mentor named Bill Ballance who did the dirty deed. I googled the pics and she was pretty hot!

Internet publication of private photos
In 1998, Schlessinger's early radio mentor, Bill Ballance, sold nude photos that he had taken of Schlessinger in the mid- 1970s to a company specializing in internet porn. The photos were taken while then married Bill Ballance and Schlessinger were involved in a brief affair.[42][42][43] Schlessinger sued after the photos were posted on the internet, claiming invasion of privacy and copyright violation. The court ruled that Schlessinger did not own the rights to the photos, and she did not appeal the ruling.[44] She told her radio audience that she was embarrassed, but that the photos were taken when she was going through a divorce, and they had "no moral authority."

Laura Schlessinger - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Zoom-boing]

Too limiting?

You know what: Have you ever been talking to someone, and they begin fucking texting, like you're not even there?

CHRIST ON A BICYCLE, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!

I would like the school to include etiquette in their tech courses. This is being done in some districts, to give students the tools they need in the workplace, and how to effectively use the various communications media. I suggested this to the district last year after reading about how it is being done elsewhere successfully.

Funny.......I can text my son just about any time of the school day and get an almost immediate response. When he goes to work, he won't respond. I'm working Dad! I respect that. We've hammered a work ethic and responsibility into him since he was little. We didn't buy him a car when he turned 16. We got a loan for a car. He had to get a job and pay the loan while still maintaining his grades at school. He got a job at a plant nursery with a buddy from school last spring. My son is still there and being given more responsibility and hours as time goes on. His buddy lasted a few months and got fired for being a slacker. The difference? The other kid has everything handed to him on a silver platter and expects that in a job. My son knows he has to perform or hit the road. The owner of the company told him it was because of his hard work and reliability that he is still there and his buddy isn't.

His buddy will probably wise up one of these days. He'll have to to survive in the adult world. My son at 17 is already equipped for that. My wife and I have made sure of it. I'm his dad first and his buddy second.

Your son and my oldest daughter (20) sound like they have the same work ethic. She's the kid at school who the teachers will look for when they need something done right. She was the one who got the extra filming job (for practicum hours). She is also paying off a $3,800 loan for her car. She kicked in what she could afford and we loaned her the rest. She takes care of her car. Completely agree with being the parent first and foremost . . . the friend stuff can wait.

A neighbor's son is in 9th grade and the mom was telling me about all these 'sex texts' the girls are sending him. She was upset about it but . . . never once did it occur to her to take the phone away from him. I suggested it but the excuse was 'well, he bought the phone and is paying for the bill'. Helllooooo, you're the parent! <shrug>