How would you handle this dilemma regarding a daughter's confiscated cell phone?

[Middleman]

I'm trying to establish better communication with my 14 yr old daughter, my youngest and last child. She's fallen down on the job, as she's starting to spread her wings in her first year of High School. She's a great kid, strong-willed, highly intelligent, plays soccer, responsible student, and very pretty, blue-eyed blond adorable.

So, because of the fact that she failed to get approval for going to her friend's house after school, I took her phone away for one week. I could have imposed a harsher judgement but chose to be rational and not over react.

She's taken it well, we had a good talk about. The only thing is, I looked at her phone, and she's put a lock code on it, so I can't check it out to see what she's been up to. I feel that this is a continuation of her tendency toward secrecy. I'm sure she would be concerned about her privacy.

So, I can either take the phone to the closest U.S cellular technician who has the ability to retrieve the code (60+ miles away), without my daughter knowing I was snooping, or else I can tell my daughter that I want the code. The third option is to continue to allow her to keep her privacy. I've never thought of snooping before.

The issue with these cellphones is that, unlike earlier times when all calls came to the house, and parents knew who was contacting their child, these days it's much harder for parents to keep tabs on their child.

 

[Revere]

You have the phone. Who can contact her?

Why not wait until you give it back to her?

 

[Annie]

I'm trying to establish better communication with my 14 yr old daughter, my youngest and last child. She's fallen down on the job, as she's starting to spread her wings in her first year of High School. She's a great kid, strong-willed, highly intelligent, plays soccer, responsible student, and very pretty, blue-eyed blond adorable.

So, because of the fact that she failed to get approval for going to her friend's house after school, I took her phone away for one week. I could have imposed a harsher judgement but chose to be rational and not over react.

She's taken it well, we had a good talk about. The only thing is, I looked at her phone, and she's put a lock code on it, so I can't check it out to see what she's been up to. I feel that this is a continuation of her tendency toward secrecy. I'm sure she would be concerned about her privacy.

So, I can either take the phone to the closest U.S cellular technician who has the ability to retrieve the code, without my daughter knowing I was snooping, or else I can tell my daughter that I want the code. The third option is to continue to allow her to keep her privacy. I've never thought of snooping before.

The issue with these cellphones is that, unlike earlier times when all calls came to the house, and parents knew who was contacting their child, these days it's much harder for parents to keep tabs on their child.

Unless you have reason to think she's in danger or doing something very bad, stop.

She's at the age that she wants to appear secretive, it's part of separating. You could though, when you return the phone explain that your feelings were hurt that she seems not to trust you. Give her an example that works in reverse-information you wouldn't share with just anyone, but do with family.

I used this a lot with my kids regarding the common courtesy of letting each other know where we are, this of course when they were adults living in my home during university breaks and such.

Now if you have cause to think the worst, as the adult you have every right to curtail privacy for her. Then again, if that were the case, she wouldn't have the phone to begin with I assume.

 

[zzzz]

Trust. Do you trust your daughter? If you do you leave it alone. She may have the lock in case it was lost or stolen or to keep snooping peers from checking it out. It could also be her way of having a little privacy. When you get to that age you are feeling like you need a part of your world that your parents don't know about. Its part of the aging process. You start to feel independance.

But it comes down to trust.

 

[California Girl]

Sit her down, have a talk to her - honestly - about the issues you're concerned about regarding her cell, then hand it back to her. I think you're right to be concerned but if you lose her trust - you'll never really get it back.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

YOu have the phone bill? All calls to and from are logged on the bill.

As are all text messages.

Unless you are afraid she is sexting (kind of early for that with a 14 year old) I would just check the bill. Which is what you should be doing anyway

 

[Kalam]

I wouldn't pry unless you have reason to believe that she's up to something. There's no point and doing so will only drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Unless parents intend on monitoring their children 24/7, children will always do things that parents don't necessarily approve of behind their parents' backs. I assume you did this, too, because I certainly did -- I think it's part of growing up as long as it doesn't involve anything dangerously illegal.

 

[Big Black Dog]

I don't share the same joys about the marvels of the modern day cell phone as do most. For example, what does a high school kid need with a cell phone? One might argue that it's for the young girl's protection, ease of contacting the parents, etc., etc., etc., and a whole host of "good" reasons to have a cell phone BUT along with the potential good can come much concern and in some extreme cases, possibly danger. My wife was injured very badly in an automobile accident when a young person was texting while driving and that person drove head-on into my wife's car, killed himself in the process and has disabled her for the rest of her life. She nearly died because of her injuries. I would want to know explicitly why your daughter felt putting the lock on her cell phone was necessary and why she would not want you to openly know what her activities were regarding the cell phone. My reasoning is that if it has to be "secret" it is most likely involving some activities that you would not approve of. Who pays the cell phone bill? Is it you or is it your daughter? If you pay the bill, in my opinion you have every right to know what goes on with the cell phone in addition to the knowledge you should have as a parent. Your daughter is at a very impressionable age. Wanting to fly, but not yet ready to leave the nest. I think you need to be a bit more controlling for a while and that means demanding that she give you the code. If she refuses, then keep the cell phone until she does.

 

[SmarterThanHick]

She's a teenage girl with a right to privacy. It doesn't matter if the things she does with that privacy is approved of by you or not at this point, you STILL can't intrude upon it. The teenage years are when we as human being try to establish individuality and social identity. This is in distinction to the family structure she has been defined by her entire life. The well known rebelliousness of teenagers comes as a result of parents attempting to prevent that inevitable search for social individuality. It's REALLY hard even without obstacles, and constrictive parents make the process even worse.

So you're probably feeling a little helpless. That feeling, the reason you decided to ask complete strangers on the internet for help, is because you are a good and CARING parent. Don't let anyone, your daughter included, tell you differently. With that being said, you're probably wondering based on the above paragraph whether you should just be hands-off completely. The good news is that you have options to remain a helpful resource in her life. The bad news is that it can't be how YOU want to do it. It has to be only what she allows.

Think of it like any other major event in her life, be it taking a big exam or playing a big soccer match. You're there to support her and cheer from the sidelines, and pray she kicks the winning goal without stumbling too much along the way.

So that doesn't mean hands-off completely. You still have a number of awkward conversations to have with her. Without lecturing, she needs to be gently reminded of the short term consequences of the world. She's going to be exposed to tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. Her wings will not be the only things that she'll be spreading. You need to address these topics maturely and WITHOUT the premise of punishment for disobeying.

Because she's a teenager. She's going to do what she wants regardless of how hard you fight it, and this is no different than times before cell phones. You can make life mildly more frustrating for her, at best, if you try to constrict her. Or you can give her the support and resources she needs to make her own good decisions.

You're the parent. You're a GOOD parent. Your baby is not leaving you, so much as finding herself. Help her, and you'll both come out better for it in the end.

 

[geauxtohell]

I'm trying to establish better communication with my 14 yr old daughter, my youngest and last child. She's fallen down on the job, as she's starting to spread her wings in her first year of High School. She's a great kid, strong-willed, highly intelligent, plays soccer, responsible student, and very pretty, blue-eyed blond adorable.

So, because of the fact that she failed to get approval for going to her friend's house after school, I took her phone away for one week. I could have imposed a harsher judgement but chose to be rational and not over react.

She's taken it well, we had a good talk about. The only thing is, I looked at her phone, and she's put a lock code on it, so I can't check it out to see what she's been up to. I feel that this is a continuation of her tendency toward secrecy. I'm sure she would be concerned about her privacy.

So, I can either take the phone to the closest U.S cellular technician who has the ability to retrieve the code (60+ miles away), without my daughter knowing I was snooping, or else I can tell my daughter that I want the code. The third option is to continue to allow her to keep her privacy. I've never thought of snooping before.

The issue with these cellphones is that, unlike earlier times when all calls came to the house, and parents knew who was contacting their child, these days it's much harder for parents to keep tabs on their child.

I don't have kids, so take my opinion for what it's worth. However, I don't really see how you want to establish a relationship based on trust with your daughter while you are also spying on her.

Why don't you just tell her that you don't appreciate the secrecy that has been going on when you give her the phone back which respects her privacy while also putting her on notice about your fears/suspicions/whatever?

 

[Annie]

She's a teenage girl with a right to privacy. It doesn't matter if the things she does with that privacy is approved of by you or not at this point, you STILL can't intrude upon it. The teenage years are when we as human being try to establish individuality and social identity. This is in distinction to the family structure she has been defined by her entire life. The well known rebelliousness of teenagers comes as a result of parents attempting to prevent that inevitable search for social individuality. It's REALLY hard even without obstacles, and constrictive parents make the process even worse.

So you're probably feeling a little helpless. That feeling, the reason you decided to ask complete strangers on the internet for help, is because you are a good and CARING parent. Don't let anyone, your daughter included, tell you differently. With that being said, you're probably wondering based on the above paragraph whether you should just be hands-off completely. The good news is that you have options to remain a helpful resource in her life. The bad news is that it can't be how YOU want to do it. It has to be only what she allows.

Think of it like any other major event in her life, be it taking a big exam or playing a big soccer match. You're there to support her and cheer from the sidelines, and pray she kicks the winning goal without stumbling too much along the way.

So that doesn't mean hands-off completely. You still have a number of awkward conversations to have with her. Without lecturing, she needs to be gently reminded of the short term consequences of the world. She's going to be exposed to tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. Her wings will not be the only things that she'll be spreading. You need to address these topics maturely and WITHOUT the premise of punishment for disobeying.

Because she's a teenager. She's going to do what she wants regardless of how hard you fight it, and this is no different than times before cell phones. You can make life mildly more frustrating for her, at best, if you try to constrict her. Or you can give her the support and resources she needs to make her own good decisions.

You're the parent. You're a GOOD parent. Your baby is not leaving you, so much as finding herself. Help her, and you'll both come out better for it in the end.

She hasn't a 'right to privacy', not at 14. She's not paying for the phone, it's her parents. They 'let her use it.' With that said, what I said above still stands. If you invade her privacy, for cause or not, she will feel violated. If for cause, no harm done. You'll be having many more confrontations.

If not, why do so? If 'just because you can,' seems too steep a price to me regarding the relationship.

I let my kids keep their doors closed and didn't go into their drawers past the age of 14. One son asked that since I'd washed, dried, and folded the clothes, could I please put them away. I didn't. However, if I thought drugs, porno, etc., were an issue, I damned well would have. It would be my responsibility to.

At 14 one is just beginning the challenging years. Pick fights very carefully. Use all of your senses.

 

[strollingbones]

i am with annie...

you have ever right to unlock her phone and see what is on there....dont spy or snoop...just ask her for the code and see how she reactis....dont take any mal...from her...you are paying the phone and let me tell you....cell phones are NOT A DAMNED NECESSITY....period....

our society has blackmailed parents into believing they are..

apparently your gut is telling you something is not right....trust your gut and dont be ashamed of being a parent....YOU ARE NOT HER FRIEND....you are her parent...

she is 14....14 is not the new 21....come on middle i dont even know why you are questioning what you are thinking about doing...do it...if she wont give up the code...tell her you will drive to the shop and have them do it...and she will not be getting her phone back period...


that is how i would handle it...and i wouldnt feel a minutes guilt

now as far as picking your battles...cell phones are a battle you need to know about....who is she talking to...who is she texting ...do you know all her friends...etc you got ever right to know all of this...

it is not snooping or spying ...its fucking parenting...

 

[strollingbones]

anyone trusting a 14 yr old girl is a damned fool!

 

[RadiomanATL]

I'd get her a "new" cell phone:

 

[random3434]

BM is right, you can monitor every call and text made, not what they said but to what numbers, for how long and what time the calls/texts were made on line with your service provider.

I think that would be enough for your interests, reading texts is like reading a diary imo.

BUT, stick with the one week 'no cell phone' rule, since you've established that already. And the next time she's punished for something make it two weeks, etc.

A phone is a privilege, not a right.

 

[Middleman]

I think my daughter knows she earned the 1 week confiscation, she is taking that well. She knows that she needed my explicit permission. I told her that I had attempted to respond to a text she had sent about that with a phone call, and that she had not responded to it. I told her that, when she is asking for permission for something, that I really need to discuss details not in a text, but in a phone call. She claimed that she didn't get my call. I told her that, then, she should have taken the responsibility to call me to clarify, not just assume she had permission, and take the school bus home with her friend.

The Bible tells us that we should discipline our children, but it's unwise to antagonize them, so I want to be careful.

Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. (2) “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), (3) “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” (4) Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

As far as cellphones, they are really a social necessity for girls this age. I don't want to deny the realities of life today, nor turn my daughter into an outcast. But many parents will take them away as punishment, they are perfect for that.

I'm more inclined to, if I'm going to snoop, to do so covertly, but not make a habit of it. And to keep working on strong communication.

Thanks for all the excellent input!

 

[geauxtohell]

Ask yourself this: what are you going to do if you find some incriminating information on her phone? Then you'll have to approach her and would lose her trust.

I mean, it seems the only good end state for this is for your own self-assurance and, if you boil that down, that's more of your problem then hers.

It's obviously your business and choice, but it sounds like she's a great kid and should be given the benefit of the doubt until she proves otherwise.

It just seems to me that once you go down that road of snooping, there is really no good end state.

 

[strollingbones]

bible also says honor your mother and father....

a cell phone is not a necessity look we got along for how many centuries without them?

just think if the cell phone was not involved..there would be no misunderstanding

 

[SmarterThanHick]

you have ever right to unlock her phone and see what is on there....dont spy or snoop...just ask her for the code and see how she reactis....dont take any mal...from her...you are paying the phone and let me tell you....cell phones are NOT A DAMNED NECESSITY....period....

What's the difference between unlocking her phone to see what's on there, and spying/snooping?! I mean honestly, let's play out your little scenario.

OPTION 1: she has absolutely nothing to hide on her phone. He forces her to unlock it, and he loses her trust. Meanwhile she knows if she ever DOES want to hide something from him, where not to put it. You can convince yourself you somehow did your child a great service, but the practical outcome is poor for all parties.

OPTION 2: she has some really incriminating item on her phone. Let's go with naked pictures of herself. He forces her to unlock the phone, and clearly she would refuse at all costs, regardless of the punishment. That returns to the outcome of OPTION 1 with distrust in both directions, smarter methods of hiding things from dad in the future, and a damaged relationship between father and daughter. Meanwhile, what has dad prevented from spying?

now as far as picking your battles...cell phones are a battle you need to know about....who is she talking to...who is she texting ...do you know all her friends...etc you got ever right to know all of this...

it is not snooping or spying ...its fucking parenting...

No that's very clearly snooping, by the very definition of the word. There is no "responsibility" to spy on a child. The responsibility is keeping them safe and helping them grow into great adults. Cracking open her phone in no way helps with either.

This is a matter of poor communication on her part. She forgot to call home to check in. Why should that result in exposure of her personal life? When you did something like that as a child, you probably got grounded, which meant you couldn't go out and be with friends when you wanted. You did not get your room searched like a common criminal. The very idea is absurd, especially under this ridiculous guise of "good parenting".

I think that would be enough for your interests, reading texts is like reading a diary imo.

BUT, stick with the one week 'no cell phone' rule, since you've established that already. And the next time she's punished for something make it two weeks, etc.

A phone is a privilege, not a right.

Ding ding! Correct! This is just like anything else in a teenagers life. If a kid doesn't do homework because they watch TV all night, take away TV privileges. Don't read their diary to make yourself feel like a better parent. This is just unnecessary constriction which can only serve to harm a relationship.

The Bible tells us that we should discipline our children, but it's unwise to antagonize them, so I want to be careful.

The bible also says it's ok to sell your children into slavery to make a few extra bucks, but I wouldn't recommend you follow something that is thousands of years outdated. If you seek an outlet for your faith, put it in the daughter you raised for the last 14 years.

I mean, it seems the only good end state for this is for your own self-assurance and, if you boil that down, that's more of your problem then hers.

It's obviously your business and choice, but it sounds like she's a great kid and should be given the benefit of the doubt until she proves otherwise.

It just seems to me that once you go down that road of snooping, there is really no good end state.

EXACTLY.

 

[Big Black Dog]

Do you monitor your daughter's activities on your home computer? If not, why not? I think that is a parent's responsibility. Same thing with the cell phone. You should not disregard your daughter's activities under the guise of "allowing her privacy." There are few reasons why a 14 year old girl would require a great deal of privacy. She is still a minor child. If your daughter's activities with the cell phone are on the up and up, then there is no reasonable explanation as to why she would be offended if you investigate the contents of her cell phone. Even with all of that said, I still see no reason why a 14 year old girl would require a cell phone except to appear "cool" to other kids of her age. If your daughter was 18 years old, the situation with the cell phone would be a whole different thing but at this time she is a minor child and you need to be in control of your minor child's life.