How did the fight start?

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Phoenix, Aug 29, 2009.

  1. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"


    And that's when the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


    And that's when the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    I said, "Nah, she can order for herself."


    And that's when the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked what was on TV.

    I said, "Dust."


    And then the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said she wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

    I bought her a scale.


    And then the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

    'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend ... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' I said. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


    And then the fight started...


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I rear-ended a car this morning ... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


    And then the fight started...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
    the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. :D
     
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  2. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    I laughed so hard at each of those!
     
  3. AllieBaba
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    AllieBaba BANNED

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    I laughed at all of them..except the dust one. I don't get it.

    It's probably because it relates directly to me.
     
  4. AllieBaba
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    AllieBaba BANNED

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    Oh, wait, I get it now. The dust is from the wife sitting.

    Ok, they're all funny.
     
  5. DiveCon
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    DiveCon gone

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    no, it means she hasnt dusted it
    LOL
     
  6. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    My girlfriend asked me to take her somewhere expensive.

    So I took her to a gas station.

    That's when the fight started.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Wife walks into the lounge stark naked.

    Husband sitting watching telly says, "What's that all about?"

    Wife says, "I'm wearing my birthday suit for you,darling."

    Husband says, "well can you iron it first."

    That's when the fight started.
     
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  7. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Husband: Let's try the missionary position.

    Wife: Ok. What do we do?

    Husband: I'll stay here and you fuck off to Africa!

    And then the fight started.
     
  8. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

    In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and herefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"




    That's when she shot him.
     
  9. alan1
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    alan1 USMB Mod Staff Member Supporting Member

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    My wife asked me if the pants she was wearing made her butt look fat.
    I said, "No dear, your fat butt makes your butt look fat".
    And then the fight started.
    --------------------------------------------------
    My wife asked me to pay for breast enlargement surgery and I told her I had a cheaper solution.
    I told her to take some toilet paper every day and rub it between her breasts and they would grow bigger.
    She asked me if that would really work.
    I pointed out that it had worked on her ass.
    And then the fight started.
    --------------------------------------------------
    My wife walked into the room and announced, "I'm so horny right now".
    I said, "I thought you had those removed when Satan took your job".
    And then the fight started.
     
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