Hot Off the Press!! First New Hampshire Results In!

[Jackson]

You heard it here first, folks! Looks like the polls were off!

Dixville Notch
Kasich 3
Trump 2
Sanders 4
Clinton 0

Millsfield
Cruz 9
Trump 3
Bush 1
Christi 1
Fiorina 1
Kasich 1
Paul 1
Rubio 1
Clinton 2
Sanders 1

Hartz Location
Kasich 5
Trump 4
Christie 2
Bush 1
Carson 1
Rubio 1
Sanders 12
Clinton 7
unionleader.com - Manchester, NH

The polls have spoken!...Back to you, Shep!

 

[Jackson]

Breaking News!!!

We realize we have omitted a candidate!! Down by the corner of your screen, you'll notice we have Harts Location, yes, can you pan into that, Fred?...Good, good! Well, we have a controversy here, it seems that we did not report on our third candidate for the Democrats, Mark Stewart Greenstein! Yes, he has received 2 votes! We'll have to watch out for him... a dark horse for sure!

Dixville Notch
Kasich 3
Trump 2
Sanders 4
Clinton 0

Millsfield
Cruz 9
Trump 3
Bush 1
Christi 1
Fiorina 1
Kasich 1
Paul 1
Rubio 1
Clinton 2
Sanders 1

Hartz Location
Kasich 5
Trump 4
Christie 2
Bush 1
Carson 1
Rubio 1
Sanders 12
Clinton 7
Greenstein 2
unionleader.com - Manchester, NH

Back to you, Shep!

 

[Jackson]

We now will take a look at our leader board, with .00000001% of our precincts now reporting, we have. On the Republican side a doozie of a race! It appears, no, I take that back, the final tallies have been verified by our team here and we do indeed have a 3 way tie for first place! John Kasich, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz all have 9 votes! What a nail biter, there!

Following them, we have Chris Christie with 3 votes, and Jeb Bush and good ol' Martin Stewart Greenstein coming in next with 2 votes. But here again, we have a tight race for bottom of the barrel with Ben Carson, Carli Fiorina and Ron Paul all tied with one vote!

But, Ron Paul and Carli Fiorina have removed themselves from the race, so we'll just throw them out. Why the hell did anyone vote for them anyway?

 

[tinydancer]

Too funny. Well done Jackson. Bravo.

 

[Missourian]

Awww, awwww....you are in so much trouble...

oreo 's head just exploded!

That breaking news story erroneously reported that her candidate has dropped out of the race AND spelled her name wrong. This absolutely the result of Republican super-duper gender-bias, tea-party hate-mongering and some other hyphenated word that imply that the world will end if her candidate isn't nominated.

In protest, she is going home and taking her vote with her.

<insert "tea-party dragging GOP over a cliff" image here>

That is all. Good luck sir. ( )

 

[Geaux4it]

Why does Hillary garner no respect?

-Geaux

 

[Jackson]

Have there been more precinct reporting that my team has missed?

 

[TNHarley]

Why is Paul on there?

 

[TNHarley]

Good to see Sanders is beating the shit out of that bitchy corrupt cankles character.
He might be a senile coot, but at least he focuses on the American people.

 

[Jackson]

Why is Paul on there?

Obviously, they have limited resources in New Hampshire and word did not get out to Millsford, New Hampshire. They also voted for Fiorina! Perhaps cable is not available there. Out team is on it!

 

[Jackson]

Why does Hillary garner no respect?

-Geaux

Well, let me think on that one...too many lies? Just a shot in the dark.

 

[Claudette]

Just checked and Kasich, Cruz and Trump are all tied at 24.3

 

[Jackson]

Well, the Democrats in these early primary states foretold the entire results...Sanders by a landslide!

 

[Jackson]

These primaries also foretold the popularity if Kasich!