Holiday eating philosophy

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Merlin1047, Jan 3, 2005.

  1. Merlin1047
    Offline

    Merlin1047 Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2004
    Messages:
    3,500
    Thanks Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    AL
    Ratings:
    +450
    Not only appropriate at Christmas, but this eating strategy should be considered for ALL holidays year-round.
    ================================================

    Tips for Holiday Eating

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
    table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
    leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
    scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
    can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
    that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
    into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
    Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
    gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
    mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
    whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
    car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
    your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
    people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
    Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
    time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
    while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
    frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
    them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center
    of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
    behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
    if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
    three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
    mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
    standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
    or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread all
    tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
    intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
    preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
    one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up,
    totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
  2. dmp
    Offline

    dmp Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2004
    Messages:
    13,088
    Thanks Received:
    741
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Enterprise, Alabama
    Ratings:
    +741
    NICE...espeically #4 :)
     
  3. Johnney
    Offline

    Johnney Senior Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2003
    Messages:
    4,330
    Thanks Received:
    141
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    IOWA
    Ratings:
    +141
    oh no, #7
     
  4. Merlin1047
    Offline

    Merlin1047 Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2004
    Messages:
    3,500
    Thanks Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    AL
    Ratings:
    +450
    I'm pretty fond of several of those, but if I had to rank them, I guess #3 would top my list. A good gravy is my favorite food group.
     

Share This Page