Harry Potter Scandal - Investigation To Follow

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by GotZoom, Jul 22, 2005.

  1. GotZoom
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    GotZoom Senior Member

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    HOGSMEADE, ENGLAND- Since its release last Saturday, fans young and old have been pouring through J.K. Rowling's newest book Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince looking for action, adventure, and clues as to what might happen in the seventh and final installment in the series due out in 2007. What they didn't expect to find was hardcore scat porn involving some of Rowling's most beloved characters, and yet there it is.

    Children as young as eight have reported finding sexually explicit sequences just like that spread throughout the book thanks to a flaw in the publication process officials are calling the "hot cauldron" mod. Understandably, parents around the world are furious over the matter and have called on Congress and Parliament to have the defective books removed from store shelves.

    In its defense Rowling's publisher Scholastic claims that the objectionable material was never intended for young eyes or even public release. The production staff carefully hid the material between chapters through a special printing process, but the millions of counterfeit copies on the market carry a flaw which allows readers to "unlock" Chapter 18 5/8, aka the Slytherin orgy sequence.

    The publisher has reassured readers that everything will be fine but advises parents to ensure that their copy is genuine before handing it over to their children.

    As harmful as the passages probably are, young readers say the unlocked pages help bind the story together. At a marathon public reading of the book in Boston, the room reportedly grew very quiet as the reader described the part when Hermione finally lets down her guard and allows Ron to explore her Chamber of Secrets, a true victory for literature and the English language.

    "I had a hard time with some of the longer words," said one young boy. "I showed it to my mom. I said 'what does c-u-n-i-l-i-n-g-u-s mean?' and she took the book from me and won't give it back. She said she threw it out, but that's not true because I snuck past their bedroom late last night and heard her reading it to dad."

    Scholastic's excuse, while reasonable, fails to answer one lingering question: if you wanted the sexy text hidden, why have it there in the first place?

    "It was something Jo wrote when she was a drunk- well, more drunk than she was when she wrote the rest of the book, anyway," said Scholastic CEO Richard Robinson. "We wanted to preserve it for posterity- or blackmail for the next contract negotiation. At the time it seemed like a great idea, for collectors and whatnot. It now seems that we were a teeny bit in error in our judgment."

    Another reason to keep the racy chapter in tact is to keep the millionaire authoress from coming off like a filthy liar. Over the past year or so, Rowling has been traveling the world promising all sorts of jaw-dropping surprises for Book 6, revelations that many readers complain never take place.

    For example, she claimed that the book would reveal something new and shocking about Harry's mother Lilly. Readers were naturally disappointed to learn that the revelation was nothing more than she was really good at potion making. In the hidden chapter, however, Rowling's true vision for the book comes to fruition.

    [Due to decency concerns and the DMCA's new death penalty provision, we cannot present any portion of the text verbatim. We will, however, do what we can.]

    During a particularly difficult "slash" scene with Harry and Snape, the shadowy pedagog mentions excitedly that Harry performs a particular unmentionable act in much the same way that Lilly did- a shocking hint that perhaps Snape and Harry's mother were sexually involved during their time at Hogwarts that throws 5 books worth of family history in doubt.

    For fans, the unlockable text represents and interesting look into Rowling's characters. Most readers seem to like the idea of Ron and Hermione as a couple or perhaps Harry and Ron's sister Ginny. However, it seems that no one has considered how intriguing a Hermione/Ginny pairing could be. Many young men have said that they re-read the passage every night just before bed, further proof of the impact Rowling's books have had on juvenile literacy.

    "I always thought Harry and Hermione should get together, and for about two paragraphs I got my wish," said an eleven-year-old Potter fan. "Then he's off doing a bunch of stuff to a bunch of other people, too. So, I guess everybody got what they wanted."
     
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  2. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    ha ha ha.

    to that i say "Ridikkulus!"

    i thought this was going to be the one about people scanning the pages of the book and putting them online.
     
  3. GotZoom
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    GotZoom Senior Member

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    Like they did in China for a few hours?
     
  4. no1tovote4
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    no1tovote4 VIP Member

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    What your version didn't have Chapter 18 5/8?

    Too bad, you didn't get your money's worth!
     
  5. Gabriella84
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    Gabriella84 Guest

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    :shocked: THE SEX LIFE OF HARRY POTTER!! :rock:

    Ginny: "Hermione, have you seen my vibrator?"
    Hermione: "I'm sorry luv. I had a hot date with Harry last night and I used it after I got home."
    Ginny: "Well, I certainly hope you washed it afterwards!"
    (phone rings)
    Hermione: "Hello? Oh hi Harry... Wait, I'll ask"
    Hermione: "Ginny dear, do you want to go to an orgy with Harry and Ron?"
    Ginny: "Sounds marvelous dear. Those wizards know how to handle their swords."
    Hermione: "Ron was exploring my Chamber of Secrets last weekend and discovered the Mystery Waterfall."
    Ginny: "Harry refused to explore my Chamber of Secrets! He insisted that I get out the lawnmower first."
    Hermione: "Well, bugger him anyway."

    :wtf: :69: :banana:
     
  6. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    and you say you are about to me married? does this so-called fiancee know you write stuff like this? you are just as bad as those that take and draw disney porn and simpsons incest porn.

    with this kind of mentality, your marriage won't last more than 2 years.

    grow up.

    :lame2: :lame2: :lame2:
     
  7. Shattered
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    Oh, c'mon.. Lighten up. That was actually mildly amusing - at least as amusing as Zoom's article. It's just a damned series of books - not a life-altering series of events. :)
     
  8. Gabriella84
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    Gabriella84 Guest

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    My dear Fuzzy Kitten, may I suggest that you develop a sense of humor?
    Or at least have someone explore your Chamber of Secrets. Tis a fun experience. :69:
     

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