- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
- 250
- 85
Capitalism reminds me of Arabian Nights.
This parody was inspired by Small Time Crooks (Woody Allen).
Signing off,
====
A ruthless Chicago gangster named Evil-Face was very proud of his narcotics-empire. He even had his own special blue-and-gold crest/insignia, which he kept on the mantle in his mansion. Evil-Face was a real menace, and he was also very stylish. What he cared about more than anything was pure gold.
Evil-Face had mysterious origins. No one knew where he came from, only that he was 'probably' from Russia or Romania (or his ancestors were). Evil-Face spoke with a perfect American English accent, so no one had a theory about his European ancestry nailed down. Evil-Face loved gold so much that he used his corrupt political connections to take gold from Fort Knox and melted it down to make a set of handsome gold pens, which he used to write in his journal every Sunday morning.
As Evil-Face's associates admired his private collection of gold pens, they noted that the was an impressive man, a man of colors, and a man of capitalism. The Chicago police and even the FBI had the worst time trying to chase or catch Evil-Face in some deed of criminality, so they could connect him to a black market munitions ring/operation in Moscow, which they suspected he was boasting. Evil-Face's collection of gold pens were said to symbolize 'Chicago vanity.'
As Evil-Face wrote in his journal one Sunday morning, "I believe that every American philosopher should understand/appreciate the Liar's Paradox --- a principle in logic which reveals the recursive/self-revealing properties/grammar of language/communication itself, separated by self-contradictory statements in a perfectly contained/concise truth-value phrase-pair ('The following statement is false. The previous statement is true.')." Evil-Face believed the Liar's Paradox was an ideal 'logic expression' about the certainty of intelligence (and wit). That's why he wrote such things in his journal with his cherished gold pens.
After Evil-Face completed his special journal entry that Sunday morning, he decided to visit the office of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that week and discuss with executives/representatives there the possibility of marketing high-quality gold-embossed paper to prestigious American private-schools such as Exeter; it would be eco-friendly recycled paper of course. Evil-Face made a very handsome socio-business contract with the EPA and Exeter, and they welcomed it, since there were technically no criminal ties to him confirmed by the Chicago police/authorities. Evil-Face had a business-world name (Thomas Hardy), since he was invested in the fine-wine business. Evil-Face had become a 'paragon' of American capitalism.
As Evil-Face's legend was stamped into U.S. history, an envious pseudo-psychotic self-proclaimed 'vigilante' named Ajay Satan decided to rob Evil-Face and report the humiliation (anonymously) to the press. Ajay suspected Evil-Face of sinister crimes and wondered why the police were simply unable to nab him or catch him in any criminal act. Ajay decided to break into Evil-Face's mansion on a Sunday morning (when his guards were a bit relaxed) and found the American gangster writing in his journal with his special gold pen. Ajay demanded Evil-Face give him the gold pen he was writing with and any other gold pen in his mansion.
AJAY: I want that gold pen, and any others you own!
EVIL-FACE: How the hell did you break in here, you worm?
AJAY: I'm no worm, you Chicago ghoul, you! Give me your gold pens.
EVIL-FACE: No.
AJAY: No? I broke in by hacking into your mansion alarm-system.
EVIL-FACE: Right; and then you disarmed by relaxed guards.
AJAY: Yup. I even inoculated one with a noxious-chemical on my handkerchief!
EVIL-FACE: Why do you want my gold pens, you worm?
AJAY: I'm no worm, you Chicago ghoul! I want your gold pens...I don't need to explain.
EVIL-FACE: You little worm...you have no clue why these gold pens are sacred to me.
AJAY: I don't care if Mother Teresa herself gave you those gold pens; I want them.
EVIL-FACE: What if I refuse? It's funny how 'dreamer-crooks' like you wear ski-masks.
AJAY: Well, I don't want you to see my blushing face; if you refuse, I'll shoot you...
EVIL-FACE: Oh, right; and you'll tell people it was in self-defense...because...
AJAY: …right, because I suspected you were responsible for my friend's murder!
EVIL-FACE: Well, that's a nifty little plan for a worm like you; but you'd pull it off.
AJAY: So...give me your gold pens, and you'll never worry about me again.
EVIL-FACE: Alright...you win; but if I catch you or see you again...I'll decapitate you.
AJAY: That's a sure-shot deal. Oh, and by the way, this gun is indeed loaded!
EVIL-FACE: I know; alright, take my gold pens; and disappear (you worm!).
AJAY: I'm retiring to Romania to sell sarees on the Internet (under a new identity).
EVIL-FACE: Sayonara...'Mask-Man.'
As Ajay fled to Romania, he noticed a Marlboro billboard and smoked a celebratory-cigarette. He had managed to confound Evil-Face. Ajay decided he'd write an anonymous Internet-post about managing to defy and outwit the secretly-criminal Thomas Hardy (the wine-businessman in Chicago) and take his 'precious' gold pens on a special wager, which Hardy conceded since Ajay promised he'd start a new 'religious life' in Romania or somewhere in Europe to sell fine sarees on the Internet. Ajay wrote, "Somehow (ironically), Hardy and I benefitted from each other's acquaintance and inspired in each other a special 'commercial promise' so I truly hope Hardy is in no way actually a criminal or evildoer. I retire now with great admiration of capitalism!"
Ajay sold Evil-Face's gold pens to a random merchant in Transylvania since he had no idea the gold in the pens were from Fort Knox. When the merchant had the pens valuated privately and discovered their incredible value, he decided to purchase a gold-colored Lamborghini car and drive across Romania in it. Meanwhile, Ajay managed to start his online saree-selling business, and he complemented images of his sarees with pictures of gold Christian crosses, to express his dependability as a 'moral businessman.' The merchant in Transylvania who purchased the Lamborghini with the money from Ajay's gold pens realized he was an unwitting 'beneficiary' in some unknown/mysterious drama story. Ain't gold grand?
Ajay became a successful Romanian saree-merchant on the Internet, and he received praises for his Christian gold crosses which complemented his saree images on his merchant-website. Ajay was effectively a 'capitalism crusader' --- and perhaps the diametric opposite of Evil-Face. Ajay never returned to Chicago or America, so Evil-Face simply let him slip away into 'civilization.' While Evil-Face was never ever tied to any criminal activity, Ajay's funny Internet-post about his 'special wager' with Thomas Hardy made people realize that Hardy was both stubborn and eccentric --- and this somewhat 'diffused' Evil-Face's power aura/reputation in the streets of Chicago. Ajay had managed to pull of an incredible 'pedestrian miracle.'
GOD: I suppose Ajay has outwitted Evil-Face (Hardy).
SATAN: Yes, Ajay's post about Hardy's eccentricity made readers laugh.
GOD: And when the gossip spread, Hardy was suddenly considered an 'eccentric.'
SATAN: No American gangster wants to be considered an 'eccentric.'
GOD: Yes; that's not an 'evil-sounding label.'
SATAN: Unfortunately, Evil-Face could not calculate all the pedestrian reaction!
GOD: And ironically, Ajay didn't realize the gold pens he took were made of real gold.
SATAN: Isn't gold a funny thing?
GOD: Yes, capitalism itself (and fortune-hunting) makes men do silly things.
SATAN: I wonder if Hardy (Evil-Face) developed a secret 'admiration' for Ajay ('Mask-Man').
GOD: Maybe Hardy wanted to go straight anyway...leave his life of crime behind.
SATAN: Ajay was very unusual himself; he managed to run his saree-business well.
GOD: That Transylvanian who purchased the Lamborghini...what happened to him?
SATAN: He died in a car accident!
GOD: What? Well...just goes to show you that gold does not buy happiness.
SATAN: Correct; you need the right dose of ethics and wit and idealism.
====
This parody was inspired by Small Time Crooks (Woody Allen).
Signing off,
====
A ruthless Chicago gangster named Evil-Face was very proud of his narcotics-empire. He even had his own special blue-and-gold crest/insignia, which he kept on the mantle in his mansion. Evil-Face was a real menace, and he was also very stylish. What he cared about more than anything was pure gold.
Evil-Face had mysterious origins. No one knew where he came from, only that he was 'probably' from Russia or Romania (or his ancestors were). Evil-Face spoke with a perfect American English accent, so no one had a theory about his European ancestry nailed down. Evil-Face loved gold so much that he used his corrupt political connections to take gold from Fort Knox and melted it down to make a set of handsome gold pens, which he used to write in his journal every Sunday morning.
As Evil-Face's associates admired his private collection of gold pens, they noted that the was an impressive man, a man of colors, and a man of capitalism. The Chicago police and even the FBI had the worst time trying to chase or catch Evil-Face in some deed of criminality, so they could connect him to a black market munitions ring/operation in Moscow, which they suspected he was boasting. Evil-Face's collection of gold pens were said to symbolize 'Chicago vanity.'
As Evil-Face wrote in his journal one Sunday morning, "I believe that every American philosopher should understand/appreciate the Liar's Paradox --- a principle in logic which reveals the recursive/self-revealing properties/grammar of language/communication itself, separated by self-contradictory statements in a perfectly contained/concise truth-value phrase-pair ('The following statement is false. The previous statement is true.')." Evil-Face believed the Liar's Paradox was an ideal 'logic expression' about the certainty of intelligence (and wit). That's why he wrote such things in his journal with his cherished gold pens.
After Evil-Face completed his special journal entry that Sunday morning, he decided to visit the office of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that week and discuss with executives/representatives there the possibility of marketing high-quality gold-embossed paper to prestigious American private-schools such as Exeter; it would be eco-friendly recycled paper of course. Evil-Face made a very handsome socio-business contract with the EPA and Exeter, and they welcomed it, since there were technically no criminal ties to him confirmed by the Chicago police/authorities. Evil-Face had a business-world name (Thomas Hardy), since he was invested in the fine-wine business. Evil-Face had become a 'paragon' of American capitalism.
As Evil-Face's legend was stamped into U.S. history, an envious pseudo-psychotic self-proclaimed 'vigilante' named Ajay Satan decided to rob Evil-Face and report the humiliation (anonymously) to the press. Ajay suspected Evil-Face of sinister crimes and wondered why the police were simply unable to nab him or catch him in any criminal act. Ajay decided to break into Evil-Face's mansion on a Sunday morning (when his guards were a bit relaxed) and found the American gangster writing in his journal with his special gold pen. Ajay demanded Evil-Face give him the gold pen he was writing with and any other gold pen in his mansion.
AJAY: I want that gold pen, and any others you own!
EVIL-FACE: How the hell did you break in here, you worm?
AJAY: I'm no worm, you Chicago ghoul, you! Give me your gold pens.
EVIL-FACE: No.
AJAY: No? I broke in by hacking into your mansion alarm-system.
EVIL-FACE: Right; and then you disarmed by relaxed guards.
AJAY: Yup. I even inoculated one with a noxious-chemical on my handkerchief!
EVIL-FACE: Why do you want my gold pens, you worm?
AJAY: I'm no worm, you Chicago ghoul! I want your gold pens...I don't need to explain.
EVIL-FACE: You little worm...you have no clue why these gold pens are sacred to me.
AJAY: I don't care if Mother Teresa herself gave you those gold pens; I want them.
EVIL-FACE: What if I refuse? It's funny how 'dreamer-crooks' like you wear ski-masks.
AJAY: Well, I don't want you to see my blushing face; if you refuse, I'll shoot you...
EVIL-FACE: Oh, right; and you'll tell people it was in self-defense...because...
AJAY: …right, because I suspected you were responsible for my friend's murder!
EVIL-FACE: Well, that's a nifty little plan for a worm like you; but you'd pull it off.
AJAY: So...give me your gold pens, and you'll never worry about me again.
EVIL-FACE: Alright...you win; but if I catch you or see you again...I'll decapitate you.
AJAY: That's a sure-shot deal. Oh, and by the way, this gun is indeed loaded!
EVIL-FACE: I know; alright, take my gold pens; and disappear (you worm!).
AJAY: I'm retiring to Romania to sell sarees on the Internet (under a new identity).
EVIL-FACE: Sayonara...'Mask-Man.'
As Ajay fled to Romania, he noticed a Marlboro billboard and smoked a celebratory-cigarette. He had managed to confound Evil-Face. Ajay decided he'd write an anonymous Internet-post about managing to defy and outwit the secretly-criminal Thomas Hardy (the wine-businessman in Chicago) and take his 'precious' gold pens on a special wager, which Hardy conceded since Ajay promised he'd start a new 'religious life' in Romania or somewhere in Europe to sell fine sarees on the Internet. Ajay wrote, "Somehow (ironically), Hardy and I benefitted from each other's acquaintance and inspired in each other a special 'commercial promise' so I truly hope Hardy is in no way actually a criminal or evildoer. I retire now with great admiration of capitalism!"
Ajay sold Evil-Face's gold pens to a random merchant in Transylvania since he had no idea the gold in the pens were from Fort Knox. When the merchant had the pens valuated privately and discovered their incredible value, he decided to purchase a gold-colored Lamborghini car and drive across Romania in it. Meanwhile, Ajay managed to start his online saree-selling business, and he complemented images of his sarees with pictures of gold Christian crosses, to express his dependability as a 'moral businessman.' The merchant in Transylvania who purchased the Lamborghini with the money from Ajay's gold pens realized he was an unwitting 'beneficiary' in some unknown/mysterious drama story. Ain't gold grand?
Ajay became a successful Romanian saree-merchant on the Internet, and he received praises for his Christian gold crosses which complemented his saree images on his merchant-website. Ajay was effectively a 'capitalism crusader' --- and perhaps the diametric opposite of Evil-Face. Ajay never returned to Chicago or America, so Evil-Face simply let him slip away into 'civilization.' While Evil-Face was never ever tied to any criminal activity, Ajay's funny Internet-post about his 'special wager' with Thomas Hardy made people realize that Hardy was both stubborn and eccentric --- and this somewhat 'diffused' Evil-Face's power aura/reputation in the streets of Chicago. Ajay had managed to pull of an incredible 'pedestrian miracle.'
GOD: I suppose Ajay has outwitted Evil-Face (Hardy).
SATAN: Yes, Ajay's post about Hardy's eccentricity made readers laugh.
GOD: And when the gossip spread, Hardy was suddenly considered an 'eccentric.'
SATAN: No American gangster wants to be considered an 'eccentric.'
GOD: Yes; that's not an 'evil-sounding label.'
SATAN: Unfortunately, Evil-Face could not calculate all the pedestrian reaction!
GOD: And ironically, Ajay didn't realize the gold pens he took were made of real gold.
SATAN: Isn't gold a funny thing?
GOD: Yes, capitalism itself (and fortune-hunting) makes men do silly things.
SATAN: I wonder if Hardy (Evil-Face) developed a secret 'admiration' for Ajay ('Mask-Man').
GOD: Maybe Hardy wanted to go straight anyway...leave his life of crime behind.
SATAN: Ajay was very unusual himself; he managed to run his saree-business well.
GOD: That Transylvanian who purchased the Lamborghini...what happened to him?
SATAN: He died in a car accident!
GOD: What? Well...just goes to show you that gold does not buy happiness.
SATAN: Correct; you need the right dose of ethics and wit and idealism.
====
