George Carlin's Rules For 2008

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Shattered, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. Shattered

    Shattered Guest

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to
    be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and gradua tions
    from rehab. Picking out the stuff "you" want and having other people buy
    it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for <> ! There's a reason you don't
    talk to people for 25 years.. Because you don't particularly like them!
    Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
    these days --- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
    window unless you 're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
    human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than
    a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
    with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a
    better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
    much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're

    New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.
    There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
    without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
    drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
    melt. T hat's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
    introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
    And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how
    to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
    just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
    bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf
    grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
    cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
    NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
    from sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,'
    verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing
    'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
    there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
    characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack
    of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time
    you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
    pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
    the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of
    Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table
    was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
    they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra
    hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
    based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in
    the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
    Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
    place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
    need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a
    cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If yo u ever hope to be a credible adult and
    want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
    pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
    future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

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