Funny Email's

[American_Jihad]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."



"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! .........But, Hell, enough about me, how are you feeling?"

 

[American_Jihad]

THE GOLD URINAL


I'm not sure if this has not made the rounds already. If not, enjoy. If so, enjoy again.

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone."

 

[American_Jihad]

What Is Couple Sex?

What Is Couple Sex? An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs"

 

[American_Jihad]

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think Ive been in a whorehouse.

The second barber turned to Bush and said, How about you sir? Bush replied, Go ahead; my wife doesnt know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

 

[American_Jihad]

I’m thinking that’s what happened to my iphone stylus…;
don’t want to go digging through “a lot of crap….” to find it.



The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one.




A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:


'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!

 

[American_Jihad]

THE PILOT

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is
dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you
through this and get back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with
this kind of problem. Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!
Now give me your height and position"

...





...




She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."




"O.K." says the voice on the radio....





"Repeat after me: Our Father. .
Who art in Heaven. . . ."​

 

[American_Jihad]

Fw: Fwd: FW: Got my Obama Care Packet today...

I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my "Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House.
It contained:

· An aspirin and a band-aid.
· An 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker
· A 'Bush's Fault' yard sign
· A 'Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody' poster
· A 'Tax the Rich' banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren
· And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my ass.
Everything was made in "China" and all directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.​