Funny Email's

[American_Jihad]

Parking Ticket LOL

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires..
So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an
Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired..
It's important at our age.

 

[American_Jihad]

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

>
> A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
> States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
> says, "Thank you, Mr. American, for letting me into this country, giving
> me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
>
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
> such a beautiful country here in America ."
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
>
> The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
> shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
>
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am
> not American ."
>
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
>
> She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
>
> Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
>
> The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
>
>
>
> IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY 11:30 AM
> TOMORROW...YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.... ABSOLUTELY
> FREE.

 

[American_Jihad]

DAVID LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!!!!

Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman gets some 'flak' from the NAACP.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will go nuts !!!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............



#1 - They can't wear their helmet sideways.

 

[American_Jihad]

FRONT FELL OFF

On August 19th, 2007, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil. Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.

This actual interview is so unreal, you'd swear it was a Saturday Night Live or Monty Python skit. But it's the real thing!



[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bqTBh1yxbM]The Front Fell off the ship... great Australia interview ( Funny ) - YouTube[/ame]

 

[American_Jihad]

HISTORY 101

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed...

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass..

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self

 

[American_Jihad]

Gubmint and How Gubmint Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they
created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cutback." So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of
the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency....the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??
It was very simple..and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on
8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?"


33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy.

NOW, WE ARE HAVE TURNED THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?


Hello!! Anybody Home?

 

[American_Jihad]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher,
>in town.
> Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that
>he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
>
> Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
>
>
> Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age
>of his new bride to be.
>
> Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that
>the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
>old man.
>
> Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the
>banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help
>him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
>
> Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one
>that afternoon.
>
> About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
>
>
> 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
>
> Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
>
> The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
>'And how's the hired hand?'
>
> Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
>
>
> Don't ever underestimate old men!

 

[American_Jihad]

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'


Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'


Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.


Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.



The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .



'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

 

[American_Jihad]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!



What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.



What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long



Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.



Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.



Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!

 

[American_Jihad]

Shoplifter injured in Augusta, Georgia.


Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.


Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man however, one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, was stabbed in the back. The injury did not appear to be severe.



After police and an ambulance arrived at the scene, Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment..


The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw, injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

Now that is a well written police report.

 

[American_Jihad]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and Gary engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Gary: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Gary: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

Gary: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

Gary: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

Gary: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

Gary: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Gary: "Bye! I love you, too."

Gary hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

 

[American_Jihad]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

*Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE **(**Retire Aged People Early**).

Persons selected to be **RAPED** **can apply to Congress to be considered for the **SHAFT** **program (**Special Help After Forced Termination**).

Persons who have been **RAPED **and **SHAFTED** **will be reviewed under the **SCREW** **program (**System Covering Retired-Early Workers**).*
*
A person may be RAPED** **once, **SHAFTED** **twice and**SCREWED **as many times as Congress deems appropriate.*
*
Persons who have** **been** **RAPED** **could get **AIDS** **(**Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse**) or **HERPES** **(**Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance**).

Obviously persons who have **AIDS** **or **HERPES** **will not be SHAFTED or **SCREWED**any further by Congress.

Persons who are not **RAPED** **and are staying on will receive as much ** SHIT** **(**Special High Intensity Training**) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **SHIT **they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough **SHIT**, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **SHIT** **you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (**E.V.I.L.**)*
*
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.*

 

[American_Jihad]

The Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister."

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom."
She said, "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[American_Jihad]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much goes all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and ----- all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

[American_Jihad]

A U.S.. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. So he asked his staff, How much of sex is "work" and how much of it is "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time..

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

[American_Jihad]

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!!!

Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this...a proper decision by the courts...for a change.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover
Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it
was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case
dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How
can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and
others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all
other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel,
is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or
holiday for atheists.."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1
states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion
of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool..
Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

This is too good not to forward!!

In GOD we trust.

 

[American_Jihad]

3 Hillbillies

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

 

[American_Jihad]

VIRGINIA QUAKE~~BREAKING NEWS!!!

The USGS has determined that the epicenter of the Va earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of DC. The cause appears to be due to all of our founding fathers "rolling over in their graves."

 

[American_Jihad]

LARRY - The Cable Guy

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY BUT UNFORTUNANTLY ITS TRUE! THE MANS A GENIUS!!!


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Think about this: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this ..... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

GET ER DONE!

 

[American_Jihad]

Tap on the
Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester
Evening News . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.


The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.


For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."


The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."