Funny Email's

Discussion in 'Humor' started by American_Jihad, May 4, 2012.

  1. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    >>>Feel free to add your own<<<

    Well done Captain! We solute you!

    A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.

    Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said, "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said, "Let me see if I can find another seat."

    After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated, "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

    About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

    Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore, ma’am, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

    Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud; some even gave a standing ovation.

    I say, can I get an Amen to that!

    Feel free to pass this one to others!
     
  2. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    What's in the box?

    A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
    picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

    The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
    you cat food without proof that you have a cat. It's a new government regulation. A lot of old people&#65533;buy cat food to eat, and the government wants proof that you are&#65533;buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
    to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
    buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
    cannot sell you dog food without proof&#65533; that you have a dog. It's a new government regulation. A lot of&#65533;old people buy dog food to eat, but the government wants proof that&#65533;you are buying the dog food for your dog."

    So she went home and brought in her dog.
    She then was able to buy the dog food.

    The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
    old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
    cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
    The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
    that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
    quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
    The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper and don't want to break any new government regulations."

    Don't mess with older people...
     
  3. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    A Blonde's Year in Review

    January
    Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February
    Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    Helllloooo!!!........bottles won't fit in printer!!!

    March
    Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
    Box said ' 2-4 years!'

    April
    Trapped on escalator for hours ...
    Power went out!!!

    May
    Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
    8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June
    Tried to go water skiing.......
    Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July
    Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
    Learned later that the other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!!!

    August
    Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
    Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

    September
    The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

    October
    Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

    November
    Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
    Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

    December
    Couldn't call 911.
    'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
     
  4. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    If this doesn't at least bring a smile to your face GO BACK TO BED!!!!!!!!


    THE OSTRICH !

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
    The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
    The ostrich, "What's yours?"
    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
    Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and

    Pulls out the exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
    Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."





    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
    Asks the waitress.
    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
    A salad," says the man.



    "Same," says the ostrich.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."



    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
    Places it on the table.



    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
    Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
    In your pocket every time?"



    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
    Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
    Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
    Would always be there."



    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
    Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
    for as long as you live!"



    "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
    money is always there," says the man.



    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
    with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
     
  5. American_Jihad
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    Irish funeral

    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

    "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."

    ''What happened to her?"
    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."
     
  6. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    The power of Beer


    A man, (of course none of the men you women might know), goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it


    Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife. When she looks good to me I'm going to stop drinking and go home. That is an example of the "The Power of Beer" Be sure to click where it says "click here"



    Click Here
    http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/a...es_622180a.swf

    Then push the beer glass to the right.
     
  7. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    PONDERISMS

    1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    3· Life is sexually transmitted.

    4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

    13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
     
  8. American_Jihad
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    American_Jihad Flaming Libs/Koranimals

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    One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
     
  9. American_Jihad
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    Lie Clocks

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Cl ock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

    'Oh,' said the man, 'Whose clock is that?' '

    That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

    'Incredible,' said the man, 'And whose clock is that one?'

    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

    'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

    'Obama's clock is in Jesus's office, He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
     
  10. American_Jihad
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    YOU HAVE TO READ UNTIL THE END FOR IT TO BE WORTH IT!

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

    Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

    "Very good!"

    Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

    Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."

    She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

    The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

    Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

    Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

    The teacher fainted.

    And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

    Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"
     

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