Friend problems...I am at a loss as to what to do.

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by fuzzykitten99, Jun 5, 2006.

  1. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    This is *very* long, so I am just warning those who read this.

    My best friend Michelle is apparently upset with me. Here's the reason. 2 weeks ago, we had all our friends over. We all have 2 kids each couple, and all the kids are 5 & under.

    Anyway, here is a bit of background on Michelle. She could be my twin, as far as parental history, background, pregnancies, interests, and even our looks to a point. Her mom even went to school with my dad.

    Michelle is also a hypochondriac and also has been diagnosed with depression and has been on and off meds for years now. Just before she went back on meds last time, she actually tried to kill herself by drowning herself in the bathtub.

    Anyway, we were having a cookout, and I was doing the grilling because I love to bbq. Ben was also only 2 weeks old, and I was still running on a bit less sleep than I am now. I was fine, but just tired.

    Michelle starts telling me about this heart problem she thinks she might have because she started having heart palpitations real bad at work, and she felt dizzy and wierd. So one of her co-workers drove her to the hospital where they had her on all sorts of tests and machines to figure out what was going on. So she's telling me this, and it wasn't like I was not paying attention, because I was, but I was tired, and was in the middle of feeding Ben, and making sure Nathan wasn't doing stuff he wasn't supposed to.

    I heard everything she said, and I was/am concerned, but given her emotional history, being as I used to be like that myself, I didn't want to act like the sky was falling. So I didn't know what to say, so I just told her I hope its nothing serious and that the next tests they do that week will turn out fine. I also told her that she really needs to stop obsessing about everything and quit worrying. It is harder than it sounds, but it can be done. With meds if need be. Her family doesn't help, because THEY all stress her out because they are demanding and selfish (i have met them and spent a bit of time around them), plus what I hear from Michelle and her husband, Nate. Then her husband Nate is being unhelpful. Michelle has a 5yo son Caleb from her first marriage, and now she and Nate have a daughter, Abby, together. Nate favors Abby and it is VERY apparent he treats her different. I have seen it myself. Michelle is stressed because she has told Nate that if he doesn't stop treating the kids differently, she will leave. She would rather be alone than have her kids treated that way. I agree with her on that one, so I can see where she is feeling stressed.

    Well, she told our other friend, Diana, that she thinks I kind of blew her off, etc, and that I really didn't seem like I cared.

    She basically told me she is having medical problems, and she's worried, etc. But because I know what she gets like when she thinks she has a serious health problem, I didn't want to act like she's on her death bed because that just plays into it and she ends up making herself go crazy. I used to be the same way, depressed needing meds, big hypochondriac (i kinda still am, but not so much anymore) and drama queen. I think after I had Nathan, I pretty much mellowed out and haven't needed meds for depression in almost 3 years. I also know how to recover from panic attacks and know the warning signs if I do need to get my meds refilled.

    She does have something going on with her heart though, because Diana told me that the tests revealed there's something wrong with one of the ventricles of her heart, and it may have actually been there since birth, but never detected.

    Anyhow, I asked Diana what Michelle wanted me to say or do that I apparently didn't. Diana thinks she was just looking for support. I asked why I have to say I support her when she should KNOW that being is that we are that close, she can count on me for anything. Diana said she didn't know what was going on or why. Not only that, is Michelle should know by now that when people tell me their bad health news, it makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I have to say something, when the news comes as a shock to me to begin with. Then whatever I say, sounds predictable (and just like what everyone else says) and forced, thus is interpereted as false emotions. I am not the greatest with the spoken word, but I am better at writing because it gives me a chance to reflect on what i am thinking, and revise it before I forward it.

    I am not a sappy person. I am the type of person who for special occasions, refuses to give cards that are all sappy and drippy, but I try to find the funniest card I can that fits the recipient's personality-i like to make people laugh. I don't give 'thinking of you' cards. Maybe its just the masculine side of me. Its not that I am sympathetic, its just that I don't feel the need to do that, because to me, it makes the situation feel more dramatic and overblown than it needs to be.

    Tim says I should just call her and tell her I am sorry she interpereted my emotions that way, etc. I told him that I don't want to sound like I am the victim here, but how she told me and when, kind of took me by surprise, but also given her history of being a hypochondriac, she has cried 'wolf' many other times.

    I thought maybe of sending her an email or even a letter, letting her know how I feel, but I have typed up several versions, and they all sound accusatory and make it sound like I am turning it around to where I am the victim or whatever you want to call it. If I were to send this to her, I know it would make her feel worse, thus in turn stressing her out more, which she doesn't need. I certainly don't want her to think that I am mad at her, just hurt that she thinks I don't support her or whatever she was looking for, but to also understand the circumstances in which she told me this news to begin with.

    I also think that I have become kind of numb to hearing health problems of others because I have heard it so often in the last say, 10 years. Same thing with the death of family and friends. All of funerals I have been to after my grandma passed away 10 years ago, I don't think I have felt much sadness, but more of relief because the people that passed had been sick and suffering for a very long time, and I know they are in a better place because I hated seeing them in the condition they were in. My grandma's funeral was the last time I cried at one, but I think only because she raised me. It could be also because I wasn't particularly close with the others that did pass away.

    When people tell me their health problems, it takes me a little bit to absorb what I am hearing and it takes me a bit to figure out how I feel. Maybe I feel optimistic about Michelle's problem being fixed.

    I dunno. I have no idea what to do. I want to talk to her but at the same time I am feeling upset myself that she thinks like that, and I am afraid I might upset her more, or say something I don't mean because I have a tendency to want to say something, but have it come out the wrong way or sounding one way, when I mean it in a totally different way. I almost want to say that she gets these thoughts in her head, then because of her neurotic nature, she thinks it means one thing or its the worst end of the spectrum when it is the total opposite, or not as bad as she thinks.

    if you got this far, wow!
    thanks for reading. :)
     
  2. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    That girl is an attention-whore, by the best of my guesses. I'd be tempted to stop feeding her desire to feel special. At first I'd get a little pissed off for her thinking she has to be sick to get my attention or my approval. Then I'd tell her something like this:

    "I'm a little frustrated that this is even an issue. If our past friendship isn't enough to make you realize your cared for then there's a problem. You feeling like I 'blew you off' during one conversation is a pretty small thing in the context of our history, and I hope you can just let it go. If you need help, I'm your huckleberry. I'm not, however, the kind of person who worries before any information has been found. IF you've got a serious problem, we'll help you and your family in any way we can. Any worrying ahead of time wont affect your condition or lack-of-condition."

    :)
     
  3. Abbey Normal
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    Abbey Normal Senior Member

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    Michelle had bad timing, since she should have seen that you were busy and understandably distracted at the time.

    As a general rule, I find that if I stop what I am doing, give the person a hug, and tell them I am sorry and that I will pray for them, they feel supported.
     
  4. GotZoom
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    GotZoom Senior Member

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    I wouldn't apologize or say anything about what and how you said what you did that afternoon. If you carry yourself like you didn't do anything wrong, then it won't escalate into something else.

    I don't think you did anything wrong. She was looking for something else, or more, than what you did. She didn't like your response so she automatically assumes you were in the wrong.

    Be there for your friend. Continue on with her like you always have. Show your concern in words and actions. Ask her about it..show that you care.

    Tell her if there is anything she needs you to do, you will do everything you can to TRY and do it. This leaves you an out in case she goes overboard.

    People want friends. Be a friend to her and everything else will work out.
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
  5. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    Just an afterthought. If you two take video of you making out with eachother, and post that video here, that'd go a LONG way to fixing things between ya.

    :D

    woot!
     
  6. Nienna
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    Nienna Senior Member

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    This kind of stuff is the only thing I hate about being a girl. Girls can get so snippy at times. I'm the more straightforward type, myself, so I know how you feel.

    Fuzzy, I would write the letter/email, since you feel more comfortable with that medium. Use the least accusatory language you can use without making it sound like you were at fault at all. D is right; she is probably just looking for attention/sympathy. But, if you want to continue your friendship with her, be gentle with your words.

    Here's some support for YOU! :D It didn't sound like you did anything wrong. She just wanted more attention than you gave at the moment.
     
  7. Mr. P
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    Mr. P Senior Member

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    I could really, really, really use a hug right now.:)
     
  8. Abbey Normal
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    Abbey Normal Senior Member

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    [​IMG]

    Or maybe more your style:

    [​IMG]
     
  9. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    :thup:
     
  10. Mr. P
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    Mr. P Senior Member

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    Thanks!
     

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