for Sky and godspeaker: Steps to Forgiveness

[emilynghiem]

Steps to Forgiveness

Steps to Forgiveness

1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.

 

[Sky Dancer]

I am not into forgiveness, which is a christian concept. If I were into forgiveness, then I would say I forgive you for starting this presumptuous thread offering me unneeded and unasked for advice.

Radical acceptance is more my schtick. Check into Tara Brach's website particularly the teaching on meditation and trauma healing.

 

[syrenn]

Steps to Forgiveness

Steps to Forgiveness

1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.

So this is the 17 step program?

 

[Sky Dancer]

Steps to Forgiveness

Steps to Forgiveness

1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.

So this is the 17 step program?

Apparently she thinks sky and godspeaker need her advice. There are many, many ways of working through trauma. Forgiveness implies it's ok terrible things happen. It's not.

What can happen is an acceptance that things really were that bad, and they were hurtful, and developing a kindness toward all the places that hurt.

I think it's crap and phony, this forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable because they are abominable. Do we forgive Hitler for the holocaust
Are you going to tell the Jews they SHOULD forgive the Nazi's? Start a thread on that emmmy.

 

[syrenn]

LOL...you missed the bradgod.

 

[emilynghiem]

Apparently she thinks sky and godspeaker need her advice. There are many, many ways of working through trauma. Forgiveness implies it's ok terrible things happen. It's not.

What can happen is an acceptance that things really were that bad, and they were hurtful, and developing a kindness toward all the places that hurt.

I think it's crap and phony, this forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable because they are abominable. Do we forgive Hitler for the holocaust
Are you going to tell the Jews they SHOULD forgive the Nazi's? Start a thread on that emmmy.

If you read the list,
Forgiveness is NOT about condoning, denying or not acknowledging the wrong.
It IS about acknowledging all that.

It is just about agreeing NOT to carry the emotional burden of
hatred or ill will toward that person, which only hurts the victim more!

So I agree with what you said about "radical acceptance" (whether you call this just letting go, or just having equal compassion for all people regardless what they did or didn't do).

Just NOT "deliberately holding on" to the burdens emotionally.
That is what forgiveness is about, whatever you call it, whatever steps it takes to let go.

If the pain is naturally there, that is not deliberately holding on.
That part needs to be acknowledged and is not being denied.

Only where someone refuses to let go of blaming someone consciously,
that can cause continued pain and mental anguish TO THE VICTIM of the wrong,
(by attaching negative energy blocking the natural flow of positive energy the mind or body normally uses to heal itself).

So "unforgiveness" does not help the person heal already injured by the abuse or wrong.
At most, it creates a wall to keep that person cut off until that person feels safe again.
It may serve as temporary protection, like a scab, but at some point the wound needs to be able to breathe and heal freely and naturally, not blocked up and covered up by emotional attachments. These are natural reactions, but at some point they must let go.

Sky, you already know all this, and I'm sorry it annoyed or insulted you so much which is never my intent.

If you can post your words and your ways of "radical acceptance" that would be more beneficial. I'm sure there are more similarities as to what the end goal is.

Where these methods agree are the most important anyway.
I would love to read more of your way of teaching steps to healing and recovery.

Each method helps different people in different situations.
So whatever works, I believe people should be encouraged to try that!

Thanks, Sky
Yours truly,
Emily

 

[AmericanFirst]

True forgiveness comes from God.

 

[syrenn]

Apparently she thinks sky and godspeaker need her advice. There are many, many ways of working through trauma. Forgiveness implies it's ok terrible things happen. It's not.

What can happen is an acceptance that things really were that bad, and they were hurtful, and developing a kindness toward all the places that hurt.

I think it's crap and phony, this forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable because they are abominable. Do we forgive Hitler for the holocaust
Are you going to tell the Jews they SHOULD forgive the Nazi's? Start a thread on that emmmy.

If you read the list,
Forgiveness is NOT about condoning, denying or not acknowledging the wrong.
It IS about acknowledging all that.

It is just about agreeing NOT to carry the emotional burden of
hatred or ill will toward that person, which only hurts the victim more!

So I agree with what you said about "radical acceptance" (whether you call this just letting go, or just having equal compassion for all people regardless what they did or didn't do).

Just NOT "deliberately holding on" to the burdens emotionally.
That is what forgiveness is about, whatever you call it, whatever steps it takes to let go.

If the pain is naturally there, that is not deliberately holding on.
That part needs to be acknowledged and is not being denied.

Only where someone refuses to let go of blaming someone consciously,
that can cause continued pain and mental anguish TO THE VICTIM of the wrong,
(by attaching negative energy blocking the natural flow of positive energy the mind or body normally uses to heal itself).

So "unforgiveness" does not help the person heal already injured by the abuse or wrong.
At most, it creates a wall to keep that person cut off until that person feels safe again.
It may serve as temporary protection, like a scab, but at some point the wound needs to be able to breathe and heal freely and naturally, not blocked up and covered up by emotional attachments. These are natural reactions, but at some point they must let go.

Sky, you already know all this, and I'm sorry it annoyed or insulted you so much which is never my intent.

If you can post your words and your ways of "radical acceptance" that would be more beneficial. I'm sure there are more similarities as to what the end goal is.

Where these methods agree are the most important anyway.
I would love to read more of your way of teaching steps to healing and recovery.

Each method helps different people in different situations.
So whatever works, I believe people should be encouraged to try that!

Thanks, Sky
Yours truly,
Emily

So if you weren't trying to single them out, why call them out? Why not just name the thread the 17 step program for forgiveness?

 

[boedicca]

Steps to Forgiveness

Steps to Forgiveness

1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.

So this is the 17 step program?

I don't care for the lack of symmetry of an odd number, and a Prime one at that.


We need an 18th Step:

18. Reward yourself for getting through Steps 1 - 17 with some incredibly delicious Dark Chocolate or a glass of Champagne. Daily.

 

[syrenn]

Steps to Forgiveness

Steps to Forgiveness

1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.

So this is the 17 step program?

Apparently she thinks sky and godspeaker need her advice. There are many, many ways of working through trauma. Forgiveness implies it's ok terrible things happen. It's not.

What can happen is an acceptance that things really were that bad, and they were hurtful, and developing a kindness toward all the places that hurt.

I think it's crap and phony, this forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable because they are abominable. Do we forgive Hitler for the holocaust
Are you going to tell the Jews they SHOULD forgive the Nazi's? Start a thread on that emmmy.

I agree, some should never deserve to be forgiven....EVER!

 

[emilynghiem]

Nothing can change the fact that the wrongdoer owes restitution.
Even where God forgives unconditionally on a spiritual level, man still owes restitution to man for debts incurred in our relations here on earth.
That doesn't go away just because we ask for spiritual forgiveness.

Forgiveness relieves the emotional burden off the ones who were wronged.
Justice can still be sought, but with peace of mind, and no ill will or
hurtful feelings attached that merely hurt the persons affected.

You don't forget or forgo the wrong, but forgiving the wrongdoer
frees the heart and mind from holding on to painful thoughts and emotions.

I agree, some should never deserve to be forgiven....EVER! [/COLOR]

Especially for the people who do not deserve forgiveness,
it is even more important to our mental health not to hold on to unforgiveness.
What a waste of our precious mental energy:

Why is it OUR responsibility to carry such thoughts for the actions of SOMEONE ELSE?
Why spend any time or capacity or energy on something negative
when we could fill that space with something positive and constructive?

Forgiveness is to help the person who is hurt to let go of pain and
not to carry added emotional responsibility for the wrongdoer.

That is not fair to the victim of the injustice/abuse to keep carrying all that
when they did not ask for or deserve that extra burden.

 

[AllieBaba]

Sky is such a hypocrite.

How many threads has she started exactly like this to sneakily lambast other posters, hiding behind a "trying to bring everybody together" or "seeking enlightenment" facade?

This is flipping great. And it places Sky securely with the nutjobs, which is where she belongs.

I am sad, however, that Anassronism wasn't identified as well, though. That would make the "3 Crazy Amigos" nutbar trio complete.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Average saying: There is one and only one attitude you have control over. Forgive or not, it's up to you - demand it you cannot.

Just remember whose image the mirror frames. Carrying a grudge is a LOT of work.

 

[sinister59]

Steps to Forgiveness

Steps to Forgiveness

1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.

your full of crap , you can confront your troubles learn their roots , causes and all . but all you do is understand the pain , it will not leave or ease

 

[syrenn]

Nothing can change the fact that the wrongdoer owes restitution.
Even where God forgives unconditionally on a spiritual level, man still owes restitution to man for debts incurred in our relations here on earth.
That doesn't go away just because we ask for spiritual forgiveness.

Forgiveness relieves the emotional burden off the ones who were wronged.
Justice can still be sought, but with peace of mind, and no ill will or
hurtful feelings attached that merely hurt the persons affected.

You don't forget or forgo the wrong, but forgiving the wrongdoer
frees the heart and mind from holding on to painful thoughts and emotions.

I agree, some should never deserve to be forgiven....EVER! [/COLOR]

Especially for the people who do not deserve forgiveness,
it is even more important to our mental health not to hold on to unforgiveness.
What a waste of our precious mental energy:

Why is it OUR responsibility to carry such thoughts for the actions of SOMEONE ELSE?
Why spend any time or capacity or energy on something negative
when we could fill that space with something positive and constructive?

Forgiveness is to help the person who is hurt to let go of pain and
not to carry added emotional responsibility for the wrongdoer.

That is not fair to the victim of the injustice/abuse to keep carrying all that
when they did not ask for or deserve that extra burden.

Regardless, some should never be forgiven....EVER.

You are also confusing forgiveness and forgetting what someone has done.

 

[emilynghiem]

Sky is such a hypocrite.

How many threads has she started exactly like this to sneakily lambast other posters, hiding behind a "trying to bring everybody together" or "seeking enlightenment" facade?

This is flipping great. And it places Sky securely with the nutjobs, which is where she belongs.

I am sad, however, that Anassronism wasn't identified as well, though. That would make the "3 Crazy Amigos" nutbar trio complete.

Hi Allie: So maybe it was Sky's karma coming back to her.
She asked me to stop, so maybe this is a chance to turn a new leaf and stop.

Since I can't change the subject, I asked her help to change the use of the thread
where it would be equally open to her posting or sharing her methods of letting go.

Maybe I should ask her formally:

Sky: May I please ask your help to post more details on the methods you mentioned of "radical acceptance"? It seems there are other people who don't get that "forgiveness" means letting go of the painful emotions and doesn't mean to overlook the wrongs.
This is a common misperception of what forgiveness is and is not.

Your way of explaining the healing process may relate to more people here.
Can you share an explanation or example which might be helpful to more people?
Or start a new thread posting this?

Thanks,
Emily

 

[AVG-JOE]

True forgiveness comes from God.

Bullshit. I'm living proof that true forgiveness can be both given and received in the absence of 'God'.

Ass-u-me-ing of course that what you consider to be 'God' falls under one of the generally accepted connotations of 'god' in the 21st century. 'God' is the only word that has more meanings than 'fuck'.

 

[emilynghiem]

P.S. Allie, I will post this explanation for you someone referred on another site,
just to show I'm sharing with everyone and not just sharing with Sky:

Warnings of Dangers of Unforgiveness
and Dispelling Myths about Forgiveness

==========================
Unforgiveness
Dangerous Results Of Unforgiveness

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

1. Unforgiveness Is Progressive.

First there is a hurt. That hurt turns unto anger, then to bitterness, then to unforgiveness, and finally death, death of the relationship. What begins as a hurt over an offense will escalate if we do not forgive.

2. Unforgiveness Causes Us To Live With Accumulating Guilt.

If we do not forgive others for their sins and offenses against us, we do not receive God’s forgiveness, cleansing and release from sins we have committed.

Matthew 6:14-15 "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

3. Unforgiveness Produces Stunted, Limited Growth.

Limited growth leads to limited joy, limited blessing, limited peace, and limited ministry.

4. Unforgiveness Makes Our World Progressively Smaller.
Each offense that remains unforgiven leads to a damaged or broken relationship
(parents, children, boss, neighbor, pastor, church, etc.).

5. Unforgiveness Causes Us To Live In A Prison Of Our Own Making.

When we hold someone in the prison of our unforgiveness and judgment, we become like a jailer who has to spend all his time focusing his attention on the prison cell and the person who is held there.

6. Unforgiveness Eventually Develops Into Bitterness, Which Is Like A Cancer Of The Soul.

The cancer of bitterness will grow and eat away at our character, our personality, our faith, and even our health resulting in physical and mental illness.

Misconceptions Of Forgiveness

Forgive and forget.
I have to feel forgiveness.
Forgiveness will make me a doormat.
I have to have an ongoing relationship with the person.

What Are Some Reasons Why We Don’t Forgive

We want them to come to us first and ask us to forgive them.
We look for signs of repentance on their part and judge accordingly.
We hold on to “justified” unforgiveness.
We think they need to be taught a lesson

What Happens If I Don’t Forgive?

[In Christian terms:]
In Matthew 18:23-35: Jesus alerts us to the dangers of unforgiveness in this parable He told His disciples.

In this story a certain king forgave one of his slaves an enormous debt. But when this same slave was asked by a fellow slave to forgive a much smaller amount, he refused. The king heard of this and became angry and said to the slave

'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow slave, just as I had pity on you?'

And the king was angry, and delivered the slave to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.

So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."
=============

[NOTE: This last concept was not translated or explained from Christian terms to secular everyday terms. But basically if we hold on to the attitude of anger or unforgiveness, we attract the same type of negative people and attitudes from others; so we get what we give, and can either be charitable and attract charity or be merciless and attract meanness and unforgiveness in others the same way, causing a vicious cycle of desire for retribution.]

 

[emilynghiem]

True forgiveness comes from God.

Bullshit. I'm living proof that true forgiveness can be both given and received in the absence of 'God'.

Ass-u-me-ing of course that what you consider to be 'God' falls under one of the generally accepted connotations of 'god' in the 21st century. 'God' is the only word that has more meanings than 'fuck'.

Dear AVG JOE: you remind me of my atheist friend who believes in the "abundance of free grace" and uses perfectly secularly ways of explaining why it's more productive and healthy to let go instead of tyring to keep score/inventory on yourself or others.

He has a better grip on forgiveness, and being able to work with people from all walks, than most of my Christian friends who have trouble forgiving somebody or whole groups!

I still believe that "divine grace" comes from God/Christ
but does not require you to call it that to take advantage of this.
It is given freely, unconditionally. We just forgive and we can receive it.
The Christians seem to put more conditions on it, thus defeating its very nature sometimes.

The universalist type Christians can see beyond the religious conditioning
and see how universal the forgiveness factor works!

Thanks Joe
I appreciate your comments and hope you inspire greater understanding
of this key component in human nature and spiritual growth!

Take care!
Yours truly,
Emily

P.S. other secular terms or aspects that "God/Jesus Christ" represent:

God as Wisdom, Love, Life, Truth, Creation
God's will as good will, greater good, good faith relations
Kingdom of God as peace on earth, global or spiritual harmony, collective/universal truth

Christ Jesus as Restorative Justice, social/equal justice for all, Justice with Mercy/Peace
Just government by and for all people joined by Conscience under universal laws

 

[Anachronism]

I'm not a big fan of Forgiveness. I tend to go down one of two paths when wronged.

1. Get MAD and STAY MAD

2. Get EVEN.