For a Lazy Sunday...

Discussion in 'Humor' started by PoliticalChic, May 9, 2010.

  1. PoliticalChic

    PoliticalChic Diamond Member

    Oct 6, 2008
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    Brooklyn, NY
    1. The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.

    The accountant is silent.

    "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.

    The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.

    Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"

    "Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."

    "What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

    The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

    2. After returning to the building site from purchasing supplies at the local hardware shop the foreman addressed his workman and delegated the days duties.

    " Tom, take Jim and Chris down and finish digging out the drainage ditch, Bill keep running the electricity leads and Wong, you're in charge of the supplies"

    The men went about their designated duties and it wasn't until some hours later that the foreman realized that the supplies were still in the back of the truck. Not seeing Wong anywhere around the foreman went in search of his wayward worker.

    Just as the foreman had given up hope, Wong jumped out from behind a drum and yelled, "SUPPLIES!!"

    3. In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

    The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

    4. This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

    This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
    A tiny little voice came out of the box:...........

    "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

    5. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said, "Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box".

    6. A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked.

    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    7. A guy comes into a bar and orders three beers and then proceeds to sip from one, then another, then another, until all three are gone. The bartender says, "You know the beers would stay a lot colder, if you ordered them one at a time."
    "Yeah, I know," the guy says, "but I have two brothers who are living abroad, and we all agreed to drink this way, in memory of the old days when we were together. So these two beers are for my brothers, and the third is for me."
    The bartender is touched. The guy becomes a regular. Then he comes in one day and orders just two beers. The bar falls silent. The bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
    "Oh no, everyone’s fine," the guy says. "My doctor just made me give up drinking!"

    8. A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything". He then pays the vendor and asks for change. The vendor says, "change comes from within".

    9. Aristotle, Plato and Descartes are on a plane. The flight attendant comes by to take their drink orders. She asks Aristotle if he'd like a beverage. Aristotle says, "I'll have a ginger ale."
    "And how about you, Mr. Plato?"
    Plato says "Diet Coke, please."
    She says, "and Mr. Descartes, anything to drink for you?"
    Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.

    10. Man comes into lawyer’s office: “can you help me-I think I’m a moth?” The lawyer says “you probably want the psychiatrist next door. Why did you come in here?” “The light was on.”
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    Last edited: May 9, 2010
  2. Big Black Dog

    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

    May 20, 2009
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    You might be ready for SNL.

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