Feeling Confused About My Father-in-Law's Death

[JimBowie1958]

My Father-in-Law, I'll call him Tom for this thread, just died this morning, and I feel so bad for his family. He spent the last few years fighting Luekemia and going through chemo, so I know he is in a better place now, and no, I don't want to discuss how I feel certain of this other than to say he was a good man, a good Catholic who confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior every Easter day for the past 70 years. So while I am glad he is not longer suffering, just knowing that he has left us is a sad thing for the world, it is now a much smaller place.

He is of that Great Generation, forged in the Great Depression and grit through the Second World War. He had discipline, wit, intelligence and a focus in his life I have only seen in his generation. He was a man of faith, education, and devotion to his family that his sense of being 'dignified' ( I guess that is the word here) seemed to repress much expression of. He spoke through his actions, a thing everyone after the Baby Boomer generation has little appreciation of.

My wife is torn up and is down in their town taking care of all the considerable arrangements, while I hold down the fort in Fredericksburg. She tells me she doesn't want me to come down there yet, because she has so much to get done and my boredom would annoy her, and she is right, I would be competing for the one computer in no time at all. So I cannot comfort her, except by phone, and that is my worst pain in all this. I pray for her, tell her I love and wish to ease her pain, and remind her of her fathers improvement all things considered, but there is little you can say when a close friend's parent dies. Her Mom wont live much longer after this, I'm pretty sure, and I think that is haunting her too. My dear wife and best friend is going into a very painful part of life, and I feel unprepared to help her, in all my Aspie awkwardness and clumsiness. Her Mother is suffering from memory loss and kept asking where Tom was.

Our society today does not encourage handling death very well. We put our old people in buildings far away from where they most want to be and call it giving them 'care' because some anonymous nurse is available for them. We rarely think of them, and when they pass away we seem unprepared for it emotionally.

I love Tom, and I miss him in a strange way I have never felt before. It is a void now where there used to be a kind wise voice, prepared to give advice, encouragement and focus.

Yes, the world is indeed a much smaller place today.

And I don't know what to do about it.

 

[shockedcanadian]

My Father-in-Law, I'll call him Tom for this thread, just died this morning, and I feel so bad for his family. He spent the last few years fighting Luekemia and going through chemo, so I know he is in a better place now, and no, I don't want to discuss how I feel certain of this other than to say he was a good man, a good Catholic who confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior every Easter day for the past 70 years. So while I am glad he is not longer suffering, just knowing that he has left us is a sad thing for the world, it is now a much smaller place.

He is of that Great Generation, forged in the Great Depression and grit through the Second World War. He had discipline, wit, intelligence and a focus in his life I have only seen in his generation. He was a man of faith, education, and devotion to his family that his sense of being 'dignified' ( I guess that is the word here) seemed to repress much expression of. He spoke through his actions, a thing everyone after the Baby Boomer generation has little appreciation of.

My wife is torn up and is down in their town taking care of all the considerable arrangements, while I hold down the fort in Fredericksburg. She tells me she doesn't want me to come down there yet, because she has so much to get done and my boredom would annoy her, and she is right, I would be competing for the one computer in no time at all. So I cannot comfort her, except by phone, and that is my worst pain in all this. I pray for her, tell her I love and wish to ease her pain, and remind her of her fathers improvement all things considered, but there is little you can say when a close friend's parent dies. Her Mom wont live much longer after this, I'm pretty sure, and I think that is haunting her too. My dear wife and best friend is going into a very painful part of life, and I feel unprepared to help her, in all my Aspie awkwardness and clumsiness. Her Mother is suffering from memory loss and kept asking where Tom was.

Our society today does not encourage handling death very well. We put our old people in buildings far away from where they most want to be and call it giving them 'care' because some anonymous nurse is available for them. We rarely think of them, and when they pass away we seem unprepared for it emotionally.

I love Tom, and I miss him in a strange way I have never felt before. It is a void now where there used to be a kind wise voice, prepared to give advice, encouragement and focus.

Yes, the world is indeed a much smaller place today.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry for your loss.

I can't offer much more advice other than to agree with the general sentiments you express.

Life is too short and rarely easy, the finality of it all can be daunting. I hope you find some peace, there is no manual on how to deal with death. When my wifes father passed I found my verbal support and listening to her was comforting for her. Just being a good husband means a great deal during these times I'm sure.

 

[WillowTree]

What to do about it? Play it forward. Best tribute ever!

 

[Fort Fun Indiana]

My Father-in-Law, I'll call him Tom for this thread, just died this morning, and I feel so bad for his family. He spent the last few years fighting Luekemia and going through chemo, so I know he is in a better place now, and no, I don't want to discuss how I feel certain of this other than to say he was a good man, a good Catholic who confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior every Easter day for the past 70 years. So while I am glad he is not longer suffering, just knowing that he has left us is a sad thing for the world, it is now a much smaller place.

He is of that Great Generation, forged in the Great Depression and grit through the Second World War. He had discipline, wit, intelligence and a focus in his life I have only seen in his generation. He was a man of faith, education, and devotion to his family that his sense of being 'dignified' ( I guess that is the word here) seemed to repress much expression of. He spoke through his actions, a thing everyone after the Baby Boomer generation has little appreciation of.

My wife is torn up and is down in their town taking care of all the considerable arrangements, while I hold down the fort in Fredericksburg. She tells me she doesn't want me to come down there yet, because she has so much to get done and my boredom would annoy her, and she is right, I would be competing for the one computer in no time at all. So I cannot comfort her, except by phone, and that is my worst pain in all this. I pray for her, tell her I love and wish to ease her pain, and remind her of her fathers improvement all things considered, but there is little you can say when a close friend's parent dies. Her Mom wont live much longer after this, I'm pretty sure, and I think that is haunting her too. My dear wife and best friend is going into a very painful part of life, and I feel unprepared to help her, in all my Aspie awkwardness and clumsiness. Her Mother is suffering from memory loss and kept asking where Tom was.

Our society today does not encourage handling death very well. We put our old people in buildings far away from where they most want to be and call it giving them 'care' because some anonymous nurse is available for them. We rarely think of them, and when they pass away we seem unprepared for it emotionally.

I love Tom, and I miss him in a strange way I have never felt before. It is a void now where there used to be a kind wise voice, prepared to give advice, encouragement and focus.

Yes, the world is indeed a much smaller place today.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe, once in a while, you can be someone else's "Tom".

 

[Correll]

My Father-in-Law, I'll call him Tom for this thread, just died this morning, and I feel so bad for his family. He spent the last few years fighting Luekemia and going through chemo, so I know he is in a better place now, and no, I don't want to discuss how I feel certain of this other than to say he was a good man, a good Catholic who confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior every Easter day for the past 70 years. So while I am glad he is not longer suffering, just knowing that he has left us is a sad thing for the world, it is now a much smaller place.

He is of that Great Generation, forged in the Great Depression and grit through the Second World War. He had discipline, wit, intelligence and a focus in his life I have only seen in his generation. He was a man of faith, education, and devotion to his family that his sense of being 'dignified' ( I guess that is the word here) seemed to repress much expression of. He spoke through his actions, a thing everyone after the Baby Boomer generation has little appreciation of.

My wife is torn up and is down in their town taking care of all the considerable arrangements, while I hold down the fort in Fredericksburg. She tells me she doesn't want me to come down there yet, because she has so much to get done and my boredom would annoy her, and she is right, I would be competing for the one computer in no time at all. So I cannot comfort her, except by phone, and that is my worst pain in all this. I pray for her, tell her I love and wish to ease her pain, and remind her of her fathers improvement all things considered, but there is little you can say when a close friend's parent dies. Her Mom wont live much longer after this, I'm pretty sure, and I think that is haunting her too. My dear wife and best friend is going into a very painful part of life, and I feel unprepared to help her, in all my Aspie awkwardness and clumsiness. Her Mother is suffering from memory loss and kept asking where Tom was.

Our society today does not encourage handling death very well. We put our old people in buildings far away from where they most want to be and call it giving them 'care' because some anonymous nurse is available for them. We rarely think of them, and when they pass away we seem unprepared for it emotionally.

I love Tom, and I miss him in a strange way I have never felt before. It is a void now where there used to be a kind wise voice, prepared to give advice, encouragement and focus.

Yes, the world is indeed a much smaller place today.

And I don't know what to do about it.

The rituals are there for a reason. THey give people something to focus on, and a way for other people to show support.


Focus on the details. Ignore the big picture.

 

[JGalt]

My Father-in-Law, I'll call him Tom for this thread, just died this morning, and I feel so bad for his family. He spent the last few years fighting Luekemia and going through chemo, so I know he is in a better place now, and no, I don't want to discuss how I feel certain of this other than to say he was a good man, a good Catholic who confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior every Easter day for the past 70 years. So while I am glad he is not longer suffering, just knowing that he has left us is a sad thing for the world, it is now a much smaller place.

He is of that Great Generation, forged in the Great Depression and grit through the Second World War. He had discipline, wit, intelligence and a focus in his life I have only seen in his generation. He was a man of faith, education, and devotion to his family that his sense of being 'dignified' ( I guess that is the word here) seemed to repress much expression of. He spoke through his actions, a thing everyone after the Baby Boomer generation has little appreciation of.

My wife is torn up and is down in their town taking care of all the considerable arrangements, while I hold down the fort in Fredericksburg. She tells me she doesn't want me to come down there yet, because she has so much to get done and my boredom would annoy her, and she is right, I would be competing for the one computer in no time at all. So I cannot comfort her, except by phone, and that is my worst pain in all this. I pray for her, tell her I love and wish to ease her pain, and remind her of her fathers improvement all things considered, but there is little you can say when a close friend's parent dies. Her Mom wont live much longer after this, I'm pretty sure, and I think that is haunting her too. My dear wife and best friend is going into a very painful part of life, and I feel unprepared to help her, in all my Aspie awkwardness and clumsiness. Her Mother is suffering from memory loss and kept asking where Tom was.

Our society today does not encourage handling death very well. We put our old people in buildings far away from where they most want to be and call it giving them 'care' because some anonymous nurse is available for them. We rarely think of them, and when they pass away we seem unprepared for it emotionally.

I love Tom, and I miss him in a strange way I have never felt before. It is a void now where there used to be a kind wise voice, prepared to give advice, encouragement and focus.

Yes, the world is indeed a much smaller place today.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Katniss]

Thank you for sharing. So sorry about you and your wife's loss.

Many times we mourn or long for the familiar in our lives and part of your familiar is gone. You will create a new familiar in time. Just be you and continue to support your wife. She will tell you want she needs from you.

 

[depotoo]

It’s tough when parents pass. So sorry for both your loss.

 

[JOSweetHeart]

If you are looking for advice on how to help your wife get through this, the only thing that I can tell you is to just make sure that she knows that you are there for her still along with the rest of what is important to her, but let it be up to her when you or anything else is what she needs. Tell her that all that she has to do is ask whenever she is in need of anything in case she falls into the group of people who need space and time to themselves most of all when dealing with this kind of hardship.

God bless you and her always!!!

Holly

 

[JimBowie1958]

Man, my wife got back today and I discovered that my Father-in-law left to me a Ming dynasty altar made with some dark tight grained wood. I will have to get it identified. Also an end table made in some European country from the 17th century, and an old kookoo clock from Germany.

The are beautiful, and I did not expect that at all. And they are all in very good shape.

I am absolutely at a loss about what to say.

He was a good man. Got an award from President Fords own hand and I saw the picture. I have no idea what he did to get it; he would not discuss it.

I am just blown over that he thought so much of me to do this.

I will never forget him or sell any of it.

 

[Katniss]

Man, my wife got back today and I discovered that my Father-in-law left to me a Ming dynasty altar made with some dark tight grained wood. I will have to get it identified. Also an end table made in some European country from the 17th century, and an old kookoo clock from Germany.

The are beautiful, and I did not expect that at all. And they are all in very good shape.

I am absolutely at a loss about what to say.

He was a good man. Got an award from President Fords own hand and I saw the picture. I have no idea what he did to get it; he would not discuss it.

I am just blown over that he thought so much of me to do this.

I will never forget him or sell any of it.

Sounds like he thought you were a good man too.

 

[JimBowie1958]

Sounds like he thought you were a good man too.

Well, I dont think I am a good person, at all.

I am nothing more than an obsessive redneck with autism.

 

[Katniss]

Sounds like he thought you were a good man too.

Well, I dont think I am a good person, at all.

I am nothing more than an obsessive redneck with autism.

You’re insulting those who love and respect you by framing yourself negatively. You must be obsessing over the right things. And nothings wrong with being a redneck! Mine surfaces every time I go home and it reminds me of some of the best parts of me. (Grin)

 

[JimBowie1958]

The table my father-in-law gave me reborn as a chess table.

There is not a nail or screw in that entire thing, the chinese craftsmen of that time only used wood shapes and lacquer to hold their furniture together.

 

[Shawnee_b]

Sorry Jim. We only remember and live on. All we can do. I'm sorry for your loss, really,

 

[Shawnee_b]

Stop knocking yourself down my man. There are those like myself even worser! Smile, drink some shine and keep living.

 

[Coyote]

My Father-in-Law, I'll call him Tom for this thread, just died this morning, and I feel so bad for his family. He spent the last few years fighting Luekemia and going through chemo, so I know he is in a better place now, and no, I don't want to discuss how I feel certain of this other than to say he was a good man, a good Catholic who confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior every Easter day for the past 70 years. So while I am glad he is not longer suffering, just knowing that he has left us is a sad thing for the world, it is now a much smaller place.

He is of that Great Generation, forged in the Great Depression and grit through the Second World War. He had discipline, wit, intelligence and a focus in his life I have only seen in his generation. He was a man of faith, education, and devotion to his family that his sense of being 'dignified' ( I guess that is the word here) seemed to repress much expression of. He spoke through his actions, a thing everyone after the Baby Boomer generation has little appreciation of.

My wife is torn up and is down in their town taking care of all the considerable arrangements, while I hold down the fort in Fredericksburg. She tells me she doesn't want me to come down there yet, because she has so much to get done and my boredom would annoy her, and she is right, I would be competing for the one computer in no time at all. So I cannot comfort her, except by phone, and that is my worst pain in all this. I pray for her, tell her I love and wish to ease her pain, and remind her of her fathers improvement all things considered, but there is little you can say when a close friend's parent dies. Her Mom wont live much longer after this, I'm pretty sure, and I think that is haunting her too. My dear wife and best friend is going into a very painful part of life, and I feel unprepared to help her, in all my Aspie awkwardness and clumsiness. Her Mother is suffering from memory loss and kept asking where Tom was.

Our society today does not encourage handling death very well. We put our old people in buildings far away from where they most want to be and call it giving them 'care' because some anonymous nurse is available for them. We rarely think of them, and when they pass away we seem unprepared for it emotionally.

I love Tom, and I miss him in a strange way I have never felt before. It is a void now where there used to be a kind wise voice, prepared to give advice, encouragement and focus.

Yes, the world is indeed a much smaller place today.

And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm sorry Jim, ((((Hugs)))) to you...you are right, our society doesn't really know how to handle death well

 

[JimBowie1958]

Stop knocking yourself down my man. There are those like myself even worser! Smile, drink some shine and keep living.

Know any Wilchers down there in your part of KY?

That's my Moms family from down there.