Favorite/weirdest answering machine messages?

[Amelia]

We get some interesting messages on our machine because when we moved here I listed us under a made-up name. A variation of a famous name. So, (a) when someone calls and asks for that person we know they don't know us and (b) we get some fun messages from telemarketers while they wait for us to pick up the phone. They start giggling or call their friends over to look at the name. Say things like "do you think it's really him?" Etc.




But the weirdest message I ever got was back in college from someone who addressed me by name and said "Call your mother." I couldn't do that ... as my mother had recently passed away. It was a little spooky.

A few years later the mystery was explained when that person called again and asked to speak to me. I said "this is she". The caller said, "No you're not!" Took her a bit to realize I wasn't messing with her but finally we worked it out that there were two people in town with my first name whose phone numbers differed by only one digit.

 

[Oddball]

I had one that went...

I'm sorry that Ric Tungsten is unavailable to take your call, as he is out taking his bullfighting lesson finals....Please listen carefully for the following options.

If you would like an application to join Ric's posse, please press 1.

If you would like to make an appointment to chill with Ric, please press 2.

If you would like to buy Ric dinner, please press 3.

If you're a smokin' hot momma who desperately needs something to do with her idle hands, please press 4.

For any and all other pleas to squeeze your way into Ric's incomprehensibly jammed calendar, please leave a message at the beep and Ric will return your call at his earliest inconvenience.

 

[BDBoop]

Sultry female voice. "Joe can't come to the phone right now [whip sound], he's all tied up!"

 

[alan1]

Back in the day when I used to have an answering machine, I used to have a lot of fun with the messages I'd leave on it for people that were calling me, here is a sample of a few.

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Answering machine: Hello? (pause)
Person calling starts talking
Answering machine delayed part of message: Hello? (pause)
Person calling calling usually says hello again
Answering machine delayed part of message again: Hello? I can't hear you.

Some people would call back 2 or 3 times before they ever heard the beep.
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Answering machine: Hi this is alan, I'm using my answering machine to screen my calls. Please start speaking after the beep. If I like you, I'll pick up the phone. If I don't answer after you start talking, it's up to you to wonder if I like you or if I'm really not at home.
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Answering machine: Hello, alan's answering machine is broken, this is the refrigerator. Please speak slowly so that I can write your message down. I will then use a magnet to stick the message to me. Maybe he will see it when he get's his next beer.
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Answering machine: Alan is sitting on the toilet right now taking a crap. He really wants to talk to you though, so he he is rushing the job since he heard the phone ring.
Dammit, 4 wipes and the toilet paper still isn't clean. 5 wipes, still dirty, what is this, a peanut butter poop?
6 wipes, finally clean, he's flushing and pulling up his pants.
He's rushing towards the phone ..... Beep.....
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Now, the odd part. When my sister died (over 22 years ago), I didn't have an answering machine, so I took hers and started using it. When I acquired it, I put my own message on it and deleted all existing messages. The machine served me well for long over a year, taking messages while I was at work or out and about.
So, about 18 months after her death, i get home from work one day and the machine has two messages on it. I hit the button to listen to the messages. The first message is from a friend of mine, received that day, he wants to go fishing with me on the upcoming weekend.
The second message is the one that gets me. It's from my dead sister's boyfriend (I recognized his voice) and the machine tells me it is dated from 4 months before her death. This was his message, "Hi Pam, I just want you to know that I love you. I can't wait until you get out of the hospital. I know you won't get this message until you get out. When you get out and start feeling better, lets go up to Mendocino for a few days. We can stay at a Bed and Breakfast, check out a few wineries and just chill. Love you babe."

My sister never got to hear that message. I have no idea how it resurrected itself as a new message almost 2 years after it was originally recorded.

 

[Mr.Nick]

I used to have one that was like this: "hey".............."whats up bro"......."really"... "Hello??? you're breaking up"..... beep.