Family Dilemma, need advice/opinions

[fuzzykitten99]

My husband's grandfather (his mother's father) is coming into town to say his goodbyes because he has been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, and has about 3-6 months to live.

My husband has not seen him since he was 4, so he remembers very little. His grandfather left his grandmother many years ago, alone with 7 kids. She had no real skills because she never held a job outside the home, plus when she was a teenager, polio took most of the use of her left arm, so she's somewhat disabled in that way, but she managed. Being disabled with 7 kids, the youngest being 2, he just up and left her for another woman. She managed, and was able to keep a roof over their heads and food in their tummies. She is a VERY strong woman.

Fast forward to now. He has not made any attempt to contact my husband, and has not acknowledged our wedding, and the birth of our son, Nathan. Now that he has only a few months to live, he all of a sudden wants to meet me and my son. I want nothing to do with a man who left a wife with 7 kids and no means of income, as well as no contact when Tim and I got married, or when Nathan was born.

Tim says we should go, just out of respect, because it IS is grandfather, and this will be the last time he sees him.

I told him someone who does what he did to his family, deserves no respect and in my opinion, though it may sound harsh to many, is reaping what he sowed. My mother-in-law sent him a picture of Nathan, but that's about it.

If the divorce was a mutual one, and he didn't just up and leave, i maybe would have different feelings. I don't want to go also because how awkward would it be to meet a dying family member, that you have never met, nor heard anything from ever in the time you and your spouse/SO have been together? I feel that my feelings are too negative to make the visit even a pleasant one. Really, I think that my husband should just bring our son, and I will stay home, just because I have a hard time holding my toungue when I dislike a person that much, that I can't even look them in the face. BUT...my husband wants me to go too.

What would any of you do?

 

[no1tovote4]

What harm would it cause you to go?

You would not be going to greet the old man, simply being civil is all that would be required. You would be going more to support your husband than to meet this person.

Personally I would be more in a quandry about taking the children, depending on age than I would be about going at all. Do they really need to meet and learn to like somebody that they will lose so quickly?

 

[Nienna]

VERY difficult situation. I think your feelings are entirely justified. What he did in the past, there is no excuse for that.

This is one of those times where you have to decide what is to be gained from either course of action. If you don't go, you are taking a stand, showing that man that his past actions were wrong, that you are displeased with him.

If you do go, you will be showing support for your husband. You also might get the chance to hear this man apologize for his past actions.

As for me, I would go. Giving my husband moral support and being the "bigger person" by giving the dying grandfather a chance to apologize would outweigh any need I would have to hold a grudge. I would probably have many negative feelings about the situation, but I think, if I were to look back later in life, I would know that I did a good thing in going. At least I made the effort, no matter what the grandpa did. To me, not forgiving is a very uncomfortable thing.

 

[Mr. P]

Is your husbands mom going to see her dad?

 

[Gabriella84]

I totally agree with No1toVote4. I think you should go as a favor to your husband. And be gracious about it.

I don't believe in being bitter. People change over time. I am sure having death hanging over your head causes you to rethink a LOT of things.
I am quite sure grandfather knows what an ass he has been in the past. People do stupid things when they are younger that they regret later. His failure to contact you has probably been more out of shame than dislike. I am sure he has felt extreme guilt for years.
Faced with impending death, I am sure he wants one last chance to mend fences. It is important to him, even if it is not important to you.
Forget reaping what you sow. Remember the dying criminal in the Bible who begged Jesus for forgiveness. Jesus said "because you have sought forgiveness, you will dwell with me in the House of the Lord."

This thread touches me because I can personally relate to it. Before this year, I had never met my paternal grandfather. He had two sons and lived in Dallas. My uncle married a Mexican immigrant. My dad married the youngest daughter of a man who fought for Germany in World War II. This offended my paternal grandparents so much that they moved to South Carolina and cut off all contact with everyone. For almost 30 years.
When my sister got married a couple of years ago, I wanted her to invite my paternal grandfather. She refused to do it. After my maternal grandfather (who I deeply loved and respected) died, I decided that, when I got married, I would invite my paternal grandparents.
When my fiance proposed last December, I made the call. Found out that my grandmother was suffering from dementia, lived in a nursing home, and remembers nothing and no one. Leaving my grandfather to live alone. I impulsively invited him to our engagement celebration right before New Year's, then lived in fear that it might tear apart the rest of my family.
It didn't. My grandfather had greatly changed over the years and regretted his actions immensely. He got along well with everyone, although there were some awkward moments. But he remains a member of my family, and I look forward to having him at my wedding.

Your situation remains YOUR decision. But I would think about it before I made a rash decison.

 

[Dan]

I wouldn't know how to act in this situation, but I guess the best thing would be to just go to support your husband. He's got more at stake, emotionally, than you, and if his decision is to go, then I'd go. Hope everything works out for the best, I hate weird, awkward family situations like that.

 

[Jimmyeatworld]

My guess, and it's only a guess, is that your husband feels the need to see him to get a sense of closure for himself. My father (or sperm donor, as I call him) left before I was born. From the stories I have been told I didn't miss anything and was probably better off without him around. Still, I often felt the need to meet him, even if I just ended up spitting in his face. (I've done extensive research, and I believe he died in 1999)

If the only reason he wants to go is truly out of respect, all I can say is he is a more forgiving man than I am. I feel no obligation to show respect to a person that never showed respect to anyone else. Either way, if he insists on going, I think you should go with him because he may need you there.

 

[GotZoom]

I will chime in with the majority so far.

You are going to support and be with your husband. Your feelings, as justified as they definitely are, kind of take a back seat here.

If your husband wants to go, then you go. Be there for him, hold his hand, smile along with him. When you meet his grandfather, be curteous and gracious; take the high road.

Should the conversations turn to why he did what he did, it would not be totally out of line to voice your opinion. If you want to ask your husband if he would mind you telling his grandfather your opinion, and he agrees, then do it.

Blasting him for what he did - I'm sure he wouldn't hear anything from you that he hasn't already heard or thought of already.

If he would prefer you didn't, or to say something else, then do that too.

You are a classy woman.

Even in the most difficult situations, an honorable person rises above.

I know you are an honorable woman.

Show true class.

 

[dmp]

I'm saddened to see the man judged on his actions with his wife; actions and cirumstances none of you were likely alive to even see, IF you had known them.

Maybe there IS an excuse why he left his wife and 7 kids which none of you know? Maybe...just maybe he tried to get ahold of the kids for decades - to have their mother not deliver presents/messages, or whatever.

He's an old man, who is likely going to die soon. Go, pray with him/for him...That's the right thing to do; even if you ARE justified in not going, because the man truly DID up and leave, the 'right thing' and the 'justified thing' often are different.

And what bad REALLY happened? A family struggled through hard times. Your husband is fine and alive...If the grandpa had been physically abusive, you'd have more of a case for 'not' going, imo.

All the best!



d

 

[Gabriella84]

He's an old man, who is likely going to die soon. Go, pray with him/for him...That's the right thing to do; even if you ARE justified in not going, because the man truly DID up and leave, the 'right thing' and the 'justified thing' often are different.

BD, that is an awesomely deep statement. I wish I could have chosen my thoughts as well as that. God has truly blessed you.

 

[Avatar4321]

Go see him. He is a dying man. It wont hurt. Forgive him. If you dont there will always be some part of your heart weighing you down. Its rather to cultivate forgiveness than to cultivate bitterness. Especially towards family members.

Besides which, his sins aren't against you. Go support your husband. and if you have to then keep your mouth shut (I know thats difficult for women so good luck )

 

[fuzzykitten99]

Ok, here's more info.

my husband told me the 'goodbye' thing is going to be a party type event and will be held at the home of a relative of his current wife, the woman he left Tim's grandma for. Now this will be even more awkward.

my dad invited us over for a Father's day bbq, like every year. his pool is open, and i am looking forward to swimming and playing with my son and siblings and their new puppy, but it is at the same time that the little event is taking place. i iam sure you know which one i would rather be at. the annual father's day bbq with my dad on father's day.

My dad's father met me only once when i was about 3 months old. Has not seen me since. My dad has not spoken to him since. He left my grandma (the one whom raised me) in a similar manner that Tim's grandma was abandoned, with the exception that my grandma had 3 kids.

If I was contacted out of the blue, by someone telling me he was dying, i doubt I would go see him. I know for a fact my dad would not at all. He had tried for years to have a relationship with his dad, but his dad never wanted to. Yes, he may be my grandfather, but he has had no relationship with me ever-by his choice. If he all of a sudden wanted to have one, I would refuse.

I don't like the idea that the only relationship I would have to Tim's grandfather is solely based on the fact that he is dying, and that's the only time he acknowledges us as family, and then that will be the only time I ever see him. It was HIS CHOICE not to care about us until now. If he cared, why would he not send a card or a letter or even a phonecall saying congrats for either life event, or even just a random hello, hi, how are ya?

I don't know how many of his kids are going. I do believe my MIL is going. My FIL refuses for the same reasons I have. He didn't even acknowledge THEIR wedding 28 years ago. My MIL's brother gave her away. He didn't see Tim and his brother until they were 4 & 6.

to me, this whole thing is just a pity party, at a woman's home where i have never met ANY of the people there, other than my MIL, whom I don't know if she would be there when we would be-if i even go at all.

i don't want to go at all. tim can go say his goodbyes to a guy whom he has met once in his life. if his grandfather he never even acknowledged our marriage, what difference would it make if I went?

 

[fuzzykitten99]

Go see him. He is a dying man. It wont hurt. Forgive him. If you dont there will always be some part of your heart weighing you down. Its rather to cultivate forgiveness than to cultivate bitterness. Especially towards family members.

Besides which, his sins aren't against you. Go support your husband. and if you have to then keep your mouth shut (I know thats difficult for women so good luck )

i know this sounds harsh, but it's hard to miss someone and have it weigh on me when i have never met the person, them being a total stranger to me, practically acting like me and my family didn't exist until now.

 

[Mr. P]

Fuzzy, have you considered that he may want to apologize to everyone and ask
for forgiveness before he dies? I see in your post you have other plans on the same day.
How about a compromise? Take two separate cars, that way you can show your husband the support
he deserves from you and leave. It may not be the best idea but I see this as being more for your
husband than you. Who knows, maybe you'll be glad you went in the end. You really have nothing to lose.

Good Luck

 

[fuzzykitten99]

Fuzzy, have you considered that he may want to apologize to everyone and ask
for forgiveness before he dies? I see in your post you have other plans on the same day.
How about a compromise? Take two separate cars, that way you can show your husband the support
he deserves from you and leave. It may not be the best idea but I see this as being more for your
husband than you. Who knows, maybe you'll be glad you went in the end. You really have nothing to lose.

Good Luck

we don't have 2 cars at the moment. my mom has my Monte because their car engine is shot, and mine is the only one getting both she and my stepdad to work every day, and my husband drives a company vehicle, but it's a dodge 1-ton stakebed-not a personal size vehicle. my mom is buying my car from me, so we will have another sometime at the end of august, after our vegas trip.

i will probably go, but as good as an actress as many people have said i am, i am afraid my body language will give me away that i have no desire to be in a strange place with strange people who didn't care whether i or my son existed or not, until now. it often does, even when i don't realize it.

 

[dmp]

Like Joz is saying, Regret can be a bitch. Burry Hatchets, Fuzzy...