Entering Texas

Discussion in 'Humor' started by pegwinn, Dec 17, 2005.

  1. pegwinn
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    pegwinn Top of the Food Chain

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    Rules For Entering Texas


    Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

    Let's get thisstraight. We have one stoplight in town.
    We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

    It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to.

    No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

    They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

    So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

    So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

    Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won'thappen.

    We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

    Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.

    We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.

    Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

    The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
    It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

    Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

    Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.

    Our women are some of the best looking in the country.We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

    No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

    When we fill out a table there are three main dishes:
    meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce.

    You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

    Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

    That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

    High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

    Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

    Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an educationand a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

    We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best!

    Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

    Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.
     
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  2. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    ;) How does one change from Illinoisan to Texan?
     
  3. pegwinn
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    pegwinn Top of the Food Chain

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    You come on down. WE will acclimate you. Can you eat chili?
     
  4. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    Umm, my version of. Lots of onion and garlic. Chili Hot beans, ground beef-not going to say sirloin, though is. Then add McCormick's, "Chili Hot" Seasoning. To 3 lbs of meat and 6 lbs of extras, I add 2 lbs of other and call it chili.
     
  5. pegwinn
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    pegwinn Top of the Food Chain

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    Well the opener only specifies that you eat the chili. Cooking is not required until a reasonable acclimization has taken place. So after ten-fifteen years here, then we will send the chil panel over.

    Oh yeah, there is a brisket requirement as well.

    You can shoot right?

    I think me and GunnyL can sponsor you.
     
  6. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    I'm Arkansan, and that and Oklahoma is about as close to Texan as you can get without actually being Texan. The rivalry with Texas in football is a (typically) friendly one (we have a different version of friendly than New England does), so if Texas ever left, Arkansas wouldn't put up much of a resistance, so long as we got to stay Arkansas. Maybe we could call ourselves the "United States of the Southwest." Heck, we'd do it just to keep away the hassle of making the football rivalry international. We could probably also convince Oklahoma to join, and maybe a few others when the movement got big enough.

    Just FYI, Arkansas can shoot, and we actually have to try to shoot around these things called "trees." I understand Texas is interested in having a few installed. Arkansas learned everything it knows about chili from Texas. My dad once made some so strong that it literally burned out the flu. True story, I may explain sometime if enough people ask about it, and I'll post the recipe if the bird flu thing ever gets serious, because the stuff's mighty good, too (it just hurts coming out, OW). Arkansas also has two things Texas doesn't have: hickory, and, by association, good barbeque. Arkansas and Memphis are the best places in the world for barbeque, with McLard's in Hot Springs topping the list. Texas may have mesquite, but if you ask a really good smoker his opinion of mesquite vs. hickory, he'd gladly trade his mesquite for hickory at a 2-1 rate.

    Texas may be nice, but it's not for me. I'll stay Arkansan, thank you very much. However, most of the stuff on the list can just as easily pertain to Arkansas. Here's the only things different on the list.

    No oil wells, just cattle, pigs, LOTS of chickens, and crops.

    Barbeque sauce is more popular than Tabasco.

    Some whiskey is actually free. Many Arkansans are well versed in the laws concerning home brewed booze.

    One thing is more important than high school football, and that's the Razorbacks. Trying to yell louder than a Razorback fan at a ball game is like trying to stop a hurricane by breathing deep and blowing in the other direction.

    About Texas A&M, ditto for the U of A, though we're slipping in that area (the Texans moving there are still holding the Yankee liberals at bay, though).

    Arkansas doesn't have a Navy. A battleship could probably fit up the Mississippi River, but it would wash back to sea during flood season.

    Nobody's ever said anything about Arkansas' dependence on the U.S. and vice versa, and we like it that way. It's our ace in the hole.
     
  7. Powerman
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    Powerman Active Member

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    Chili is overrated. I do like Texas however.
     
  8. pegwinn
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    pegwinn Top of the Food Chain

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    OMG that could get a violent response. Good save however.
     
  9. pegwinn
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    pegwinn Top of the Food Chain

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    I will agree that each state has a unique BBQ flavor. And I won't even degenerate into a brawl by explaining the art and science of brisket. Nor will I explain why purists don't like BBQ sauce.

    I make my own beer and my own sauce. Come on down. I'll show you why mesquite is superior to hickory for BBQ. Hickory makes great sticks though.
     
  10. The ClayTaurus
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    The ClayTaurus Senior Member

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    A good portion of your list applies to the UP of Michigan... so long as you throw in some snowmobiles and replace "dust" with "snow"
     

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