Doctors

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Colin, May 23, 2010.

  1. Colin
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    Colin Gold Member

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    When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing
    to their hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists
    advised no rash moves.
    The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists
    thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians stated
    they were all labouring under a misconception.
    The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists
    yelled, "Over my dead body", while the pediatricians said," Grow up!"
    The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided
    to wash their hands of the whole thing and the radiologists could see right
    through it!
    The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the plastic surgeons
    said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
    The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme
    wouldn't hold water. The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the
    cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some idiot in administration.
     
  2. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    Medical terms you should not know

    • 6PFP - 6-pack and a fishing pole, as in "this patient doesn't need chemo, he needs 6PFP." - Usually referring to an end-stage patient who should go die somewhere else.
    • #NOF - Fractured neck of femur
    • 404 moment - The point in a doctor's ward round when medical records cannot be located. Comes from HTTP 404 error "Not Found".
    • AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It
    • Agnostication - A substitute for prognostication. Term used to describe the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doc?"
    • Appy - a person's appendix or a patient with appendicitis
    • ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dying)
    • Ash cash - UK peculiarity of house officers obtaining payment for signing cremation forms
    • ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome (the patient is faking illness) [* Baby Catcher - an obstetrician
    • Bagging - manually helping a patient breathe using an Ambu bag attached to a mask that covers the face
    • Bash cash - UK peculiarity of Registrars obtaining payment for medical reports on patients who have allegedly been assaulted
    • Blamestorming - Apportionment of blame after the wrong leg or kidney is removed or some other particularly egregious foul-up.
    • Blood Suckers/Leeches/Vampires - those who take blood samples, such as laboratory technicians and Phlebotomists
    • Bounceback - a patient who returns to the emergency department with the same complaints shortly after being released
    • Bury the Hatchet - accidentally leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient
    • CNS-QNS - Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient.
    • Code Brown - a faecal incontinence emergency. Often used by nurses and medical technicians requesting help cleaning up an unexpected bowel movement.
    • Code Yellow - a patient who has lost control of his or her bladder
    • CTD - "Circling The Drain" May also mean "Certain To Die"
    • Crump - When a patient tries to die on the medical practitioner. Usage: "My patient tried to crump on me repeatedly throughout the night".
    • DBI - Dirt Bag Index - multiply the number of tattoos by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.
    • Departure lounge - geriatric ward
    • DFKDFC - Don't fucking know, don't fucking care - a diagnosis often applied to a surgery's most regular visitors. Most often treated with a low-dosage course of Amoxycillin.
    • DIC - Death Is Coming, Death In Cage - used by veterinarians describing the complications of Disseminated intravascular coagulation
    • Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
    • Disco biscuits - refers to the nightclub drug ecstasy. Usage: "The man in cubicle three looks like he's taken one too many disco biscuit". Also means the drug quaaludes.
    • Doc in a Box - a small health-care center, usually with high staff turnover
    • Donorcycle - American nursing slang for a motorcycle, so named due to the amount of head trauma associated with motorcycle accidents, but less so with the body, making the perfect candidate for organ donation (noting the lack of helmet laws in some American states
    • DRT - Dead Right There
    • EFT - Eleventh Floor Transfer (in a 10 floor hospital; refers to patient who is very close to death)
    • FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
    • F.BUNDY - Refers to slowly dying patient who is Fucked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet. .
    • FLK - Funny Looking Kid - used to indicate a child (usually a newborn) whose habitus or overall appearance, while normal in gross anatomy, suggests a need further medical investigation for congenital and genetic anomalies. "Funny", in this sense, means strange or unusual, not laughable.
    • FOS - Full Of Shit, a diagnosis given to a patient that is likely not telling the truth or, alternatively to a patient with a bowel obstruction.
    • Freud Squad - the psychiatry department
    • FTD - Fixin' to Die [7]
    • Gas Passer - an anesthesiologist (also Gasser, Gas Man or Gaswallah)
    • GLM - good looking mum (MILF in the US)
    • GPO - "Good for Parts Only [1][2][5]
    • GROLIES - Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt.
    • Frequent Flyer - Patient who calls ambulance multiple times usually when they could seek help in better ways.
    • Hasselhoff - a term for any patient who shows up in the emergency room with an injury for which there is a bizarre explanation. Original Source: Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff, who hit his head on a chandelier while shaving. The broken glass severed four tendons and an artery in his right arm.
    • HP - Hispanic Panic, used to describe a Hispanic patient who believes their condition is worse than it actually is. This is generally a result of the perceived over-dramatic and theatrical nature of many Hispanic cultures.
    • Jack Bauer - Doctor still up and working after 24 hours .
    • LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home
    • Milk Of Amnesia - Propofol, an anesthetic drug with a milky white color (and a reference to the term milk of magnesia).
    • NAD - Not Actually Done
    • NAI - Non Accidental Injury - when patient is suspected of having been assaulted but hasn't said so. Often used as code for suspected child abuse.
    • NFN - Normal For Norfolk, (a rural English county stereotypically associated with inbreeding.)
    • PAFO or PFO - Pissed And Fell Over
    • Panmetabolopathy -a state wherein many (or all) metabolic parameters are out of bounds
    • PGT - Pissed and Got Thumped
    • PPP - Piss Poor Protoplasm - a patient endowed with inferior/defective genetic material
    • Pumpkin positive refers to the idea that a person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into their mouth will make their empty head gleam like a Jack-o'-lantern.
    • Rear Admiral - a proctologist [* ]Rule of Five - means that[1]
    • Shotgunning - ordering a wide variety of tests in the hope that one will show what's wrong with a patient
    • Special K - Slang for the anesthetic and amnestic drug Ketamine.
    • Status Hispanicus - An overly agitated Hispanic patient (often Caribbean, seldom Mexican) who cannot stop screaming about their condition without providing useful information.
    • TEETH - tried everything else, try homeopathy.
    • Tox Screen - toxicology screen, testing the blood for the level and type of drugs in a patient's system[3]
    • TTFO - Told To Fuck Off.
    • TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination, often used to refer to an EKG done with the sole purpose of looking at a female patients breasts
    • UDI - "Unexplainable Drinking Injury"
    • Vitamin H - A Haldol injection, used in the ER setting to rapidly sedate patients who display dangerous or destructive behavior that threatens the safety of hospital staff and other patient
    • WNL - Used for recording vital signs. It can mean "within normal limits" or "we never looked".
     
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    Last edited: May 23, 2010
  3. Colin
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    Colin Gold Member

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    Lol! Reminds me of the last time I was in hospital. A male nurse came to my bed to give me a pre-med injection. He said, "Nothing to worry about. Just a little prick with a needle."

    I looked at him and said, "I know."
     
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  4. Colin
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    Colin Gold Member

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    Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital Register

    1. The patient refused autopsy.

    2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
    a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
    very hot in bed last night..

    6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

    8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

    11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentlly alert but forgetful.

    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    13. She is numb from her toes down.

    14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    15. The skin was moist and dry.

    16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
    until she got a divorce.

    20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

    25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
     
  5. asaratis
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    asaratis Uppity Senior Citizen Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Colin again.
     

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