Minority House Leader Nancy Pelosi went on record this morning placing the blame for the entire Jennifer Wilbanks affair squarely on the shoulders of President Bush, "Obviously she's the victim of a right wing theocratic agenda that traps women into believing they must get married to justify their existence. And with the Iraq war putting such a strain on the economy, the poor girl probably did this so that she could call in from New Mexico and collect the $100,000 reward for information leading to her return just so she could meet the high cost of a really nice wedding today. It's an outrage," said Pelosi, "and I hold George Bush responsible!" Pelosi intends to put forth the "Jennifer Wilbanks" bill, a new entitlement program ensuring that an expensive wedding is available to every American, regardless of their socio-economic condition. "Do you realize what a good caterer costs these days?" added Pelosi. Meanwhile, Senator Ted Kennedy indicated he thought the groom to be, John Mason was fortunate, saying, "If a few gals whose names I won't mention had taken a Greyhound to get away from me, hell, who knows, I might be President today!" Senator and former President Clinton have assured the press that Bill was nowhere near Georgia at the time of the disappearance, and while thought of a cross country trip in the back of a van with a slender brunette sounded appealing, former President Clinton's recent heart surgery pretty much prohibits him from indulging in such fantasies. The pair were traveling with another former President, Jimmy Carter - who pledged to build the Masons a home if they are able to work things out. He's also considering inviting the couple along on his next South American America bashing jaunt to ensure them an adequate honeymoon away from the American people, who might be a little too "mean" to Jennifer under the circumstances. He concluded, "We need to understand this woman and learn to blame ourselves for her poor decisions. It's God's way of saying America sucks." Former Senator and Minority Leader Tom Daschle had no comment, as no one really cares what he thinks, anymore, while Harry Reid went on about something having to do with where and how he was raised. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York was withholding comment until a television crew arrived. DNC Chair Howard Dean said, "If it were me I would have just kept on going, first to Albuquerque, then up to Sante Fe, over to Flagstaff, then Phoenix, through Tucson, El Paso, down to San Antoinio and right on to Mexico, Yeeaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Senator Byrd of West Virginia was sleeping and unable to be awakened for comment on the breaking news.