(Disclaimer: This is an adaptation of a divorce agreement that has been circulating around the internet for awhile.) To All My Dearest Beloved Liberal, Leftist, Social Progressive, Regressive, Marxist, and Liberation Theologist Friends: Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per gallon and coffee to $2.00 per pound, it is time to divide up our common property and split the sheets so to speak. To wit I propose the following: DIVORCE AGREEMENT WHEREAS, we have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids and for sake of future generations, but the whole of this latest election process has revealed that our relationship has clearly run its course, and WHEREAS, our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, THEREFORE let's end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. Here is the suggested model separation agreement: 1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass apportioned according to numerical representation. You can have California, Oregon, and Washington State. We'll take all the rest. 2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. 3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. 4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. 5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with all the wind, solar, and bio-diesel. 6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. 7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. 8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, illegal aliens, unions, peaceniks, war protesters, and the OSW groups. 9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. 10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood 11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us or hit back when we are threatened or attacked. 14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill. 13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. 14. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Chevy Volt you can find. 15. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any doctors to deliver it. We'll continue to believe that healthcare is more affordable and more excellent in a free market system. 16. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", "God Bless America", and "The National Anthem." 17. You get "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World". 18. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. 19. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag. Please sign and pass it on if you will agree to this equitable distribution of property, values, and practices. In the spirit of friendly parting, we will arrange for a community picnic in about 10 years to compare notes and see how each other are doing. Sincerely, Your Conservative Friends P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, Alec Baldwin, and Jane Fonda with you. P.S.S..: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.