Deadbeat Dads (and moms)

[catzmeow]

I took them. One was 3 years old..the other 9. But I sent them back when they said "you are not our mother. You will never be our mother"...The words they said to me...sober....was a knife in my heart. Fuck them and the skank who bore them.

In the nicest possible way...that's the difference between a real mother, and you. What they said to you was factually correct. You aren't their mother, and you will never be their mother. I know that chaps the hide of some stepparents, but it is the god's own truth. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't be incredibly significant in their lives.

My boyfriend will never be my kids' dad. He will be their stepdad. But, he is an excellent role model, and he provides something to their lives that their dad can't/won't provide. My ex-husband has been a pretty piss poor father, but if my boyfriend tried to step in and usurp his role, I'm confident that my kids would deeply resent him. And, a big part of that would be that the more fucked up a parent is, the more their kids feel that they have to defend and protect them.

My kids have both said things to me, in the heat of the moment, that were intended to wound. Kids do that kind of stuff, particularly when they hit the teen years. They get angry, they lash out. I did it to my mom, and I strongly suspect that she did it to hers. It doesn't mean ANYTHING.

I'm a mother. I will always be a mother. It isn't an optional thing, and I will never send them (as children) to live somewhere else because they hurt my feelings, though I do expect them to live on their own once they are finished with college. To be blunt--I don't expect gratitude from my kids, and I probably will never get it. I don't need their gratitude. It's my job to be their mom, it's a responsibility that I signed up for, voluntarily.

My ex pays a minimal amount of child support ($300 per month, for both kids). I've paid for braces, band instruments, sports practices, sports equipment, band camp, school books, school pictures, school trips, and basically everything else my kids have needed. I've had to beg him for money a few times for things that he committed, in writing, to pay for, and he arrogantly blew me off because he knew that I had very little recourse in making him pay. His child support has never gone to me, it covers a little more than half of the fixed costs for my kids' health insurance ($200 per month), prepaid college tuition accounts ($200 per month), and dental insurance ($50 per month). I paid for my daughter's braces myself, and will do the same for my son, later this year. I paid cash for my daughter's first car, becuase he wouldn't chip in a red cent.

He cheated on me 3 times before I finally divorced his cheating, abusive ass.

Are there deadbeat moms? Sure. But there are two sides to every story. I'm pretty sure that when he talks about me, he tells people how he got ripped off in the divorce settlement. He never tells people how much stuff he doesn't pay a dime for.

 

[Vel]

o hell no....men need to control their sperm...simple as that

Well until something convinces me different, I think that the person that owns the outcome decision is the one that needs to maintain the control. We'll just have to disagree on this one.

as i have said in the past...a man can control his sperm...once he lets go of it ...into a woman ...it becomes her property but that does not relieve a man of his responsiblities for his sperm...now does it?

or are men just too simple to control themselves?

What? Do you think women are too simple to control themselves? I'm of the opinion that we women own our bodies and are fully responsible for the seeds we allow some guy to plant there. Other than rape, it's not "his fault" if a girl gets pregnant. She holds all the cards when it comes to either preventing pregnancy or allowing conception. She's perfectly capable of telling some horny guy to put a raincoat on it or to get it away from her. She needs to own the decisions she makes and not whine that her situation is somehow someone else's fault. Like you, I'd advocate for all guys to control their seed or take responsibility for it, BUT, the law that gives women the opportunity to rectify her choice after the fact needs to make her choice her legal responsibility.

 

[chanel]

Well that conversation should take place before unprotected sex. Sadly, I doubt it ever does.

 

[High_Gravity]

I took them. One was 3 years old..the other 9. But I sent them back when they said "you are not our mother. You will never be our mother"...The words they said to me...sober....was a knife in my heart. Fuck them and the skank who bore them.

In the nicest possible way...that's the difference between a real mother, and you. What they said to you was factually correct. You aren't their mother, and you will never be their mother. I know that chaps the hide of some stepparents, but it is the god's own truth. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't be incredibly significant in their lives.

My boyfriend will never be my kids' dad. He will be their stepdad. But, he is an excellent role model, and he provides something to their lives that their dad can't/won't provide. My ex-husband has been a pretty piss poor father, but if my boyfriend tried to step in and usurp his role, I'm confident that my kids would deeply resent him. And, a big part of that would be that the more fucked up a parent is, the more their kids feel that they have to defend and protect them.

My kids have both said things to me, in the heat of the moment, that were intended to wound. Kids do that kind of stuff, particularly when they hit the teen years. They get angry, they lash out. I did it to my mom, and I strongly suspect that she did it to hers. It doesn't mean ANYTHING.

I'm a mother. I will always be a
mother. It isn't an optional thing, and I will never send them (as children) to live somewhere else because they hurt my feelings, though I do expect them to live on their own once they are finished with college. To be blunt--I don't expect gratitude from my kids, and I probably will never get it. I don't need their gratitude. It's my job to be their mom, it's a responsibility that I signed up for, voluntarily.

My ex pays a minimal amount of child support ($300 per month, for both kids). I've paid for braces, band instruments, sports practices, sports equipment, band camp, school books, school pictures, school trips, and basically everything else my kids have needed. I've had to beg him for money a few times for things that he committed, in writing, to pay for, and he arrogantly blew me off because he knew that I had very little recourse in making him pay. His child support has never gone to me, it covers a little more than half of the fixed costs for my kids' health insurance ($200 per month), prepaid college tuition accounts ($200 per month), and dental insurance ($50 per month). I paid for my daughter's braces myself, and will do the same for my son, later this year. I paid cash for my daughter's first car, becuase he wouldn't chip in a red cent.

He cheated on me 3 times before I finally divorced his cheating, abusive ass.

Are there deadbeat moms? Sure. But there are two sides to every story. I'm pretty sure that when he talks about me, he tells people how he got ripped off in the divorce settlement. He never tells people how much stuff he doesn't pay a dime for.

Patience is a must for parenting I guess, if a child that lived under my roof that I was feeding and clothing said something to try and wound my feelings oh boy, I would slap the taste out of their mouth.

EDIT: I would want gratitude from someone who I fed, clothed, and provided a roof for 18 years, whether they are your parents or not, you need to grateful to be taken care of.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Er..he's not a deadbeat dad. A deadbeat doesn't pay anything, or doesn't pay what he can despite the fact the child suffers because of it.

I know. But some would like to put that label on him because he's not here to toss around a football with my son.

Good thing I have a great arm.

That doesn't make him a deadbeat dad. It makes him an absentee dad.

On the other hand, a lot of dads live right in the same house, and are still absentee, so whatever.

Sounds to me like he's doing what he can with what he has to work with, financially and personality-wise, and no one can really ask more than that.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Jews disagree with you on abortion, Allie...so you think Jews have God all wrong?

ALL wrong? No. But obviously, Christians believe Jews got SOMETHING wrong, or we'd be Jews, too. That's kinda the point of different religious denominations, isn't it? The belief that the others are misinterpreting something?

 

[Cecilie1200]

I think every religion would agree that God is the creator of life. As far as we know even if the child will be deformed if born, God still has something planned for someone in that child's life. I can speak for God, but than again no one else can either.

Since you can speak for god......

How do you know god does not wants the abortions?

That was an unfortunate typo to say the least. "I can't speak for God, but than again no one else can either."


Because God does not make mistakes. God is the creator of all life. Why would God allow a life to form just to have it ended without being born. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the LIFE."

::sigh:: You DO realize that a very large number of pregnancies end in miscarriage, right? Many of them before the end of the first trimester?

I personally believe God is against abortion. But in all honesty, I have to point out that you're not going to get very far with this particular argument.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Well that conversation should take place before unprotected sex. Sadly, I doubt it ever does.

I discuss these things before ALL sex, not just the unprotected sex, given that birth control isn't perfect.

 

[CitizenPained]

Jews disagree with you on abortion, Allie...so you think Jews have God all wrong?

ALL wrong? No. But obviously, Christians believe Jews got SOMETHING wrong, or we'd be Jews, too. That's kinda the point of different religious denominations, isn't it? The belief that the others are misinterpreting something?

Well, you do misinterpret everything else in the Torah, so I guess it's expected.

 

[emilynghiem]

Dear Tony: is there any other family who can put together some support for your cousin to work out a financial plan?

for example, in Houston there is a real estate network where people with no credit or cash can form teams and buy real estate under an LLC using one person's credit, and they split the financial responsibility and profits, and work themselves up not only out of debt but into retirement within 5 to 10 years based on passive income each month from rentals.

you just have to identify and purchase ONLY the property that meets the price and profit margin in order to make this work, where profits are made each month off rental that exceeds the total mortgage plus any renovations rolled into one payment.

Do you think you could help your cousin put a team together and try this?
any friends with businesses or churches willing to chip in and lend or invest either way?

it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
maybe the judge could be more sympathetic if there is a committed plan in place
to make payments by following a viable plan with family or community support.

here is the website for the program in Houston which is run as a business
and is not a charity or any kind of pyramid scheme. if you undersatnd the concept
you can do it without joining, just do it yourself, but you have to select the right
properties and tenants carefully where you don't lose any money in real estate.

the people who mentor the program have proven track records
and portfolios to show they are effective in following the investment strategies
which they teach other people to do (either rental houses or whole apt complexes)

Real Estate Investing Education and Mentoring | Lifestyles Unlimited

NOTE: I am using this model program to buy memberships for nonprofit volunteers to teach themselves and a team of other people to break the poverty cycle and dependence on handouts or donations, so I plan to buy scholarships for people who are serious about mastering the program, teaching others, and paying back to cover the next person.

If you set up a similar program for your cousin, maybe some other charities, businesses or church members might be interested in helping with it, not just to help your cousin, but to continue it where the same model can be used to help other people out of similar debts.

he is supporting his child....not the ex wife..that is called alimony....

500 bucks a month aint mal when it comes to supporting a child.....125 bucks a week....

i got zero sympathy for anyone who complains about child support

When you dont make 125 bucks a week then what are you supposed to do. They took his lic and are going to put him in jail. How does that help the child.

If the courts would look at child support in realistic terms instead of just putting a dollar figure on it and refusing to budge.

Trust me he would pay it if he could but he cant. He paid it when he was working.

Now there will be no child support paid and who does that hurt, the child.

I am asking for common sense when it comes to awarding support and the courts being willing to look at the amount as the parents conditions change.

 

[emilynghiem]

Well until something convinces me different, I think that the person that owns the outcome decision is the one that needs to maintain the control. We'll just have to disagree on this one.

as i have said in the past...a man can control his sperm...once he lets go of it ...into a woman ...it becomes her property but that does not relieve a man of his responsiblities for his sperm...now does it?

or are men just too simple to control themselves?

What? Do you think women are too simple to control themselves? I'm of the opinion that we women own our bodies and are fully responsible for the seeds we allow some guy to plant there. Other than rape, it's not "his fault" if a girl gets pregnant. She holds all the cards when it comes to either preventing pregnancy or allowing conception. She's perfectly capable of telling some horny guy to put a raincoat on it or to get it away from her. She needs to own the decisions she makes and not whine that her situation is somehow someone else's fault. Like you, I'd advocate for all guys to control their seed or take responsibility for it, BUT, the law that gives women the opportunity to rectify her choice after the fact needs to make her choice her legal responsibility.

Question does either party HAVE to HAVE SEX?

if either party is CHOOSING to have sex, then all the consequences are partially that person's responsibility.

if you don't want that on you, then don't have the sex.

if the relationship between the two people is abused in any way,
that remains BOTH people's responsibility for resolving the abuse or conflicts
and also addressing the consequences in a mutually agreeable manner.

otherwise, it is still abusing the relationship

 

[catzmeow]

Patience is a must for parenting I guess, if a child that lived under my roof that I was feeding and clothing said something to try and wound my feelings oh boy, I would slap the taste out of their mouth.

It's like flaming on the board. When you let someone know they've punched your ticket, you lose. In my opinion, the last thing I want my teenager to know is when she/he has landed a blow. I try not to discipline in the heat of the moment, but later when things have calmed down. If my kids start spouting off things that are designed to sting, I tell them that they aren't fit for human consumption and that they need to go be in their rooms, alone, until they can handle being around other human beings again. I don't tolerate dick behavior, I isolate it. That removes the gratification of knowing that they've gotten to me, and stops giving them attention for bad behavior.

I guess I'm from the school of "feed the behavior you want to see, starve the behavior you want to stop." In my book, it takes a certain amount of maturity to see them lashing out as an expression of fear/pain, and stop yourself from lashing back/escalating things. When my kids get mad enough to spit nails, we all need a timeout from each other until we've calmed down. Sometimes that timeout is 20 minutes, sometimes it's 2 hours, sometimes it's the rest of an evening.

EDIT: I would want gratitude from someone who I fed, clothed, and provided a roof for 18 years, whether they are your parents or not, you need to grateful to be taken care of.

In my opinion, they really don't "get it" until they have kids of their own, and experience for themselves how challenging it is to be a parent, especially a single mom.

 

[High_Gravity]

Patience is a must for parenting I guess, if a child that lived under my roof that I was feeding and clothing said something to try and wound my feelings oh boy, I would slap the taste out of their mouth.

It's like flaming on the board. When you let someone know they've punched your ticket, you lose.

EDIT: I would want gratitude from someone who I fed, clothed, and provided a roof for 18 years, whether they are your parents or not, you need to grateful to be taken care of.

In my opinion, they really don't "get it" until they have kids of their own, and experience for themselves how challenging it is to be a parent, especially a single mom.

What you are saying makes sense, maybe its just me but the lack of empathy and gratitude I see from young people today worries me, has it always been this way?

 

[catzmeow]

What you are saying makes sense, maybe its just me but the lack of empathy and gratitude I see from young people today worries me, has it always been this way?

I don't know. My kids are pretty empathetic. And, I'm a single mom. I can't afford everything they want, and my kids are okay with shopping at goodwill. My kids are both speed skaters, and everything they skate with is used, and they never complain about that, but are happy with what they have, and feel lucky to have it. But, I have to say no a lot, so when I say yes, they feel fortunate. And, if I can't afford something, i always tell them that, and why.

Anyway, as to your comments, I don't think you teach empathy as a parent, by hitting your kids when they're in pain/angry. You teach empathy by demonstrating empathy. I wouldn't even discipline an animal like that. What the animal would learn is fear, which is very different from empathy, respect, and gratitude.

What I tell my kids is, "I understand you're mad. But you don't get to hurt me or say mean things because you feel angry. Go be angry. When you're done being angry, we'll talk."

But, see, that takes work and patience. A lot of the ungrateful/non-empathetic kids I've worked with weren't really disciplined with love or patience. They were given stuff as a replacement for parenting. Their parents don't know how to be empathetic. Their parents haven't taught them to be self aware or self reflective. They haven't learned that we all have feelings, but we don't get to take our bad feelings out on other people.

Only parents, really, can teach that sort of thing. But, a lot don't.

 

[Dabs]

Er..he's not a deadbeat dad. A deadbeat doesn't pay anything, or doesn't pay what he can despite the fact the child suffers because of it.

I happen to know a couple of deadbeat assholes.
I have been raising my granddaughter for the past 6 years, obtained custody of her when she was 6, and she recently turned 12.
Her Mom and Dad are more worried about how much drugs and booze they can buy, instead of paying child support. They pay nothing, not one penny.
She doesn't get any child support coming in, but she doesn't suffer. I do try and do all the things I possibly can. She has plenty of nice clothing, shoes, a room she decorates herself (it's a Bieber palace LOL).......I do my best and she seems happy
But her parents are ordered to pay.
And I get papers to go to court. I always go, but neither of them ever shows. The courts always say, they'll send the police out looking for them. I guess the law tries, but without an actual address, they aren't easy to find people. Then when they do see the law approaching, they hide, like most criminals do.
I get tired of going to court, giving up my time and stuff, to sit there and find out they don't show. I'm fearful if I don't show, then I'll be the one in trouble.
The granddaughter doesn't want to see her parents anyway, she's a very happy child living with Mamaw (that's what my grandchildren call me, Grandma made me sound too old) *ha*

 

[High_Gravity]

What you are saying makes sense, maybe its just me but the lack of empathy and gratitude I see from young people today worries me, has it always been this way?

I don't know. My kids are pretty empathetic. And, I'm a single mom. I can't afford everything they want, and my kids are okay with shopping at goodwill. My kids are both speed skaters, and everything they skate with is used, and they never complain about that, but are happy with what they have, and feel lucky to have it. But, I have to say no a lot, so when I say yes, they feel fortunate. And, if I can't afford something, i always tell them that, and why.

Anyway, as to your comments, I don't think you teach empathy as a parent, by hitting your kids when they're in pain/angry. You teach empathy by demonstrating empathy. I wouldn't even discipline an animal like that. What the animal would learn is fear, which is very different from empathy, respect, and gratitude.

What I tell my kids is, "I understand you're mad. But you don't get to hurt me or say mean things because you feel angry. Go be angry. When you're done being angry, we'll talk."

But, see, that takes work and patience. A lot of the ungrateful/non-empathetic kids I've worked with weren't really disciplined with love or patience. They were given stuff as a replacement for parenting. Their parents don't know how to be empathetic. Their parents haven't taught them to be self aware or self reflective. They haven't learned that we all have feelings, but we don't get to take our bad feelings out on other people.

Only parents, really, can teach that sort of thing. But, a lot don't.

I understand what you are saying but I guess I was raised different, if I ever said anything smart to my parents or tried to talk down to them in anyway I would get the taste slapped out of my mouth. My dad really didn't tolerate any insubordination or attitude that I see from alot of kids today.

 

[High_Gravity]

Er..he's not a deadbeat dad. A deadbeat doesn't pay anything, or doesn't pay what he can despite the fact the child suffers because of it.

I happen to know a couple of deadbeat assholes.
I have been raising my granddaughter for the past 6 years, obtained custody of her when she was 6, and she recently turned 12.
Her Mom and Dad are more worried about how much drugs and booze they can buy, instead of paying child support. They pay nothing, not one penny.
She doesn't get any child support coming in, but she doesn't suffer. I do try and do all the things I possibly can. She has plenty of nice clothing, shoes, a room she decorates herself (it's a Bieber palace LOL).......I do my best and she seems happy
But her parents are ordered to pay.
And I get papers to go to court. I always go, but neither of them ever shows. The courts always say, they'll send the police out looking for them. I guess the law tries, but without an actual address, they aren't easy to find people. Then when they do see the law approaching, they hide, like most criminals do.
I get tired of going to court, giving up my time and stuff, to sit there and find out they don't show. I'm fearful if I don't show, then I'll be the one in trouble.
The granddaughter doesn't want to see her parents anyway, she's a very happy child living with Mamaw (that's what my grandchildren call me, Grandma made me sound too old) *ha*

She is very, very lucky to have you.

 

[Dabs]

Er..he's not a deadbeat dad. A deadbeat doesn't pay anything, or doesn't pay what he can despite the fact the child suffers because of it.

I happen to know a couple of deadbeat assholes.
I have been raising my granddaughter for the past 6 years, obtained custody of her when she was 6, and she recently turned 12.
Her Mom and Dad are more worried about how much drugs and booze they can buy, instead of paying child support. They pay nothing, not one penny.
She doesn't get any child support coming in, but she doesn't suffer. I do try and do all the things I possibly can. She has plenty of nice clothing, shoes, a room she decorates herself (it's a Bieber palace LOL).......I do my best and she seems happy
But her parents are ordered to pay.
And I get papers to go to court. I always go, but neither of them ever shows. The courts always say, they'll send the police out looking for them. I guess the law tries, but without an actual address, they aren't easy to find people. Then when they do see the law approaching, they hide, like most criminals do.
I get tired of going to court, giving up my time and stuff, to sit there and find out they don't show. I'm fearful if I don't show, then I'll be the one in trouble.
The granddaughter doesn't want to see her parents anyway, she's a very happy child living with Mamaw (that's what my grandchildren call me, Grandma made me sound too old) *ha*

She is very, very lucky to have you.

Thank you...I sincerely mean that. Because at times, I look at her, and I wonder, where would she be, if I did not take her??
She was going to be placed in foster care, and I could not let that happen.
I was given custody of my granddaughter only 5 months after my Mother passed away, I was still grieving for my Mother when I made this decision.
I always hoped it was the right one. I'm not as strong a person as I once was, but so far, this 12 year old has turned out pretty well

 

[High_Gravity]

I happen to know a couple of deadbeat assholes.
I have been raising my granddaughter for the past 6 years, obtained custody of her when she was 6, and she recently turned 12.
Her Mom and Dad are more worried about how much drugs and booze they can buy, instead of paying child support. They pay nothing, not one penny.
She doesn't get any child support coming in, but she doesn't suffer. I do try and do all the things I possibly can. She has plenty of nice clothing, shoes, a room she decorates herself (it's a Bieber palace LOL).......I do my best and she seems happy
But her parents are ordered to pay.
And I get papers to go to court. I always go, but neither of them ever shows. The courts always say, they'll send the police out looking for them. I guess the law tries, but without an actual address, they aren't easy to find people. Then when they do see the law approaching, they hide, like most criminals do.
I get tired of going to court, giving up my time and stuff, to sit there and find out they don't show. I'm fearful if I don't show, then I'll be the one in trouble.
The granddaughter doesn't want to see her parents anyway, she's a very happy child living with Mamaw (that's what my grandchildren call me, Grandma made me sound too old) *ha*

She is very, very lucky to have you.

Thank you...I sincerely mean that. Because at times, I look at her, and I wonder, where would she be, if I did not take her??
She was going to be placed in foster care, and I could not let that happen.
I was given custody of my granddaughter only 5 months after my Mother passed away, I was still grieving for my Mother when I made this decision.
I always hoped it was the right one. I'm not as strong a person as I once was, but so far, this 12 year old has turned out pretty well

Alot of kids end up in foster care and on the streets in that situation, kudos to you for stepping up.