Christians - does your church prepare you for marriage?

[dilloduck]

But those two aspects Differentiate a "marriage" from "Friends living together".

And Zoomy hit the nail on the head, and I'll add to it by saying:

"Never stop trying to improve."

I hear SO many times offered as 'advice' to people who are struggling in their marriage: "You need to just be thankfull for what you have, and stop worrying about what you don't have."

I say, when the most defining aspects of marriage is lacking somebody sure as hell should worry about it.

That doesn't surprise me because most problems in marriage stem from one partner not feeling like they are getting what they need from the other. Selfisness is a marriage killer. Loving is giving-not getting.

 

[dmp]

That doesn't surprise me because most problems in marriage stem from one partner not feeling like they are getting what they need from the other. Selfisness is a marriage killer. Loving is giving-not getting.

Why is the owness on the person not feeling loved/asking for more? ALWAYS we hear "well, you just need to realize how they are, and accept them as being unloving."

We NEVER hear "well, your mate is unloving - they need to learn to BE Loving, and to FEEL loving."

(sigh)

 

[dmp]

Perhaps these pre-marriage classes are held too late to do any good regardless of their content. By the time many couples attend these classes, they are close to marriage and are convinced their love is perfect and will never change. Lessons probably aren't going to sink in.

Righto.

 

[dilloduck]

Why is the owness on the person not feeling loved/asking for more? ALWAYS we hear "well, you just need to realize how they are, and accept them as being unloving."

We NEVER hear "well, your mate is unloving - they need to learn to BE Loving, and to FEEL loving."

(sigh)

Because the one who is not satisfied in the marriage is the one who should initiate action to fix it.

 

[GotZoom]

Because the one who is not satisfied in the marriage is the one who should initiate action to fix it.

And if that person does everything they can to fix it?

And if that person suggests counseling, weekend get-a-ways, anything and everything to please their spouse....and yet....

The spouse is still unresponsive?

 

[dmp]

Because the one who is not satisfied in the marriage is the one who should initiate action to fix it.

I don't buy it. If love is giving, I'd contend the one not providing satisfaction is just as culpable. The 'satisfied' person does NOT love their spouse if they continue to sit in obstinance and demand their spouse 'accept them'.

 

[dilloduck]

And if that person does everything they can to fix it?

And if that person suggests counseling, weekend get-a-ways, anything and everything to please their spouse....and yet....

The spouse is still unresponsive?

Then you accept things as they are for now or get real bitchy and bring things to a boiling point.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

Is the person who stops loving as much completely respsonsible for the subsequent collapse of the marriage?

 

[dmp]

Is the person who stops loving as much completely respsonsible for the subsequent collapse of the marriage?

I don't find individual failures in a marriage - I find failed marriages a collapse of vision, expectation, and dedication between a husband and wife....off the top of my head.

 

[GotZoom]

Is the person who stops loving as much completely respsonsible for the subsequent collapse of the marriage?

I will revert to a previous post I made.

Both people should want what is best for the other person. Therefore, if one person "stops loving," then my theory has broken down.

How can you have a relationship of either one of the people have "stopped loving?"

Marriage is a two person thing - both people "in love" and "loving." If one person stops..and the other person has done everything in their power to fix it but still can't, there isn't much hope for them.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

I don't find individual failures in a marriage - I find failed marriages a collapse of vision, expectation, and dedication between a husband and wife....off the top of my head.

Collapse of vision? Vision as in career/life goals? Marriage goals? What does vision mean?

 

[GotZoom]

Then you accept things as they are for now or get real bitchy and bring things to a boiling point.

I would think the real bitchy and boiling point times have already happened.

 

[dmp]

Collapse of vision? Vision as in career/life goals? Marriage goals? What does vision mean?

Indeed...exactly.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

Marriage goals being what then? Are they quantifiable at all? Like I want to be making $xxxxx by xxxx is a career goal that's quantifiable. What's the equivalent in a marriage goal?

 

[dmp]

Marriage goals being what then? Are they quantifiable at all? Like I want to be making $xxxxx by xxxx is a career goal that's quantifiable. What's the equivalent in a marriage goal?

You're right on target. That's exactly it.

My vision for a marriage might be: A loving (physical/emotional) relationship with one woman.

Another's may be: A friendly relationship where love is understated, and rarely expressed.


(shrug)

I can't set the vision for marriage for anyone. The trick is to find somebody who shares in my vision.

 

[dilloduck]

Is the person who stops loving as much completely respsonsible for the subsequent collapse of the marriage?

Naturally it takes two but why are we arguing about who is responsible? We're heading for a train wreck here and already tryig to find out who to blame instead of saving it?

 

[The ClayTaurus]

You're right on target. That's exactly it.

My vision for a marriage might be: A loving (physical/emotional) relationship with one woman.

Another's may be: A friendly relationship where love is understated, and rarely expressed.


(shrug)

I can't set the vision for marriage for anyone. The trick is to find somebody who shares in my vision.

Can a marriage vision be dynamic?

 

[The ClayTaurus]

Naturally it takes two but why are we arguing about who is responsible? We're heading for a train wreck here and already tryig to find out who to blame instead of saving it?

Because finding responsibility can often lead to a solution much quicker than trying to find a solution without finding responsibility... not always, I suppose, but in my experience, often enough.

 

[dilloduck]

You're right on target. That's exactly it.

My vision for a marriage might be: A loving (physical/emotional) relationship with one woman.

Another's may be: A friendly relationship where love is understated, and rarely expressed.


(shrug)

I can't set the vision for marriage for anyone. The trick is to find somebody who shares in my vision.

Maybe a different approach to getting what you want might end up in both of you getting what you want.

 

[dmp]

Can a marriage vision be dynamic?

If you'd like it to be, sure.