Christians - does your church prepare you for marriage?

[dmp]

I agree. However, it works both ways.

I would certainly hope that people don't base getting married on being in love with someone and not on loving someone.

I think if they do that, they are doomed to be miserable.

I still contend 'being in-love' shouldn't fade. Why do we assume a 'mature' love is a 'cerebral' love, and not a 'heart-love'?

 

[5stringJeff]

Sex isn't the most important thing. It is, however, one of the vehicles used to show how you feel. Along with flowers, words, doing the extra things that aren't ask for, etc.

 

[misterblu]

I still contend 'being in-love' shouldn't fade. Why do we assume a 'mature' love is a 'cerebral' love, and not a 'heart-love'?

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/londoncuts/articles/21583748?source=Evening Standard

 

[misterblu]

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/londoncuts/articles/21583748?source=Evening Standard

More...

http://www.rsc.org/chemistryworld/Issues/2006/February/CupidChemistry.asp

http://www.sensualism.com/love/

 

[5stringJeff]

Intimacy is the most important aspect of a marriage - it seperates friends living together raising kids with 'a couple' living together, raising kids.

I guess I'm questioning the cliche` "Sex/Passion fades..."

Why does it have to? Certainly hasn't for me in 10 years. In fact, I'm MORE into that stuff than when I got married.

First, I think you're setting up a strawman. "Friends" don't typically have children together. Second, I'm not disagreeing that intimacy is important. I'm saying that you can't base a marriage on emotion alone - or even primarily emotions. Again, a very important part of marriage, but without active conscious commitment, strong emotions and close intimacy can't make a good marriage.

 

[dilloduck]

Intimacy is the most important aspect of a marriage - it seperates friends living together raising kids with 'a couple' living together, raising kids.

I guess I'm questioning the cliche` "Sex/Passion fades..."

Why does it have to? Certainly hasn't for me in 10 years. In fact, I'm MORE into that stuff than when I got married.

Then live it up if everything has been going great for 10 years. Just because you have heard some rumors doesn't mean you and your wife have to stop anything ! Ignore em and enjoy !

 

[Bonnie]

I've thinking lately about Church and marriage. For some time I've been thinking our churches do not do an adequate job of preparing young people for marriage, and not serving as a place of help for those already married.

Growing up in the church I was taught things like 'Look - sex doesn't matter. It fades. Love fades. Love is a decision! What matters is doing the right thing and living up to your vows - but mostly only the vow about adultry. That's ALL that matters. Marry your Best Friend. As long as you're both Christians, and never have sex prior to marriage you'll be okay."

The more I think about what I've been taught, the more I want to issue a hearty :fu2: to those 'lessons'.

I WANT to have a great sex life with my mate.
MY Passion doesn't fade.
Vows work both ways - Love, Honor, and Cherrish are vows, too
I don't want to be married to just a friend - I want to be married to a lover; the only difference between a friend and a lover is passion. I have many friends. I only want ONE lover.

...I've been talking with other Christians and I'm surprised a bit that there are people who feel as I do - sort of let-down by the church. Makes me wonder how many Christians suffer in silence because if they were to seek help they'd get the pat answers "aww...MATURE Love is boring. Look at Old people! When the sex is gone, and passions fade, you still have to LIVE with that person!" Some of these people live in a perpetual state of frustration and depression. At times they'd pray for God to simply REMOVE any desire have for as passionate, loving relationship - figuring it'd just be easier if they weren't 'wired' in a way which craved those things. I really 'hurt' inside for those folks.

I'm here to say from the age of marriage, until 'The sex is gone and passion fades' can be a VERY VERY long time. So do Christians just pray for God to remove or 'fix' their desires for love in a marriage? Not just 'love' but 'being IN love'. I contend, the Best marriages are those where both people are IN-love. Not just 'have love'.

Thoughts? Comments? Sorry - I'm not articulate today...that was sorta all over the place.

Need more coffee, I suppose?

hehe

In the Catholic church they call premarital counseling "pre-cana" and they never say sex or love fades, they say it grows stronger in a good marriage and a good sex life is encouraged. Our church teaches to always put the marriage first above all else because a happy marriage means happy children. They also teach that what you put into a marriage is what you get out of it. I don' think there are any universal answers here, but I will say that there are two kinds of passion, the first six months passion/lust, then there is the deeper true love passion. Some people just live for the thrill of that six month honeymoon lusty phase and when that starts to deepen into something else they flee from it, others go with it. But it does take two people wanting the same thing for marriage to really work.
If both people were in-love to start with, they can rekindle those in-live feelings. Darin most people confuse sex with how someone makes them feel about themselves because for a while sex/passion is all it takes to feel good, but when that gets harder to maintain people need to be wanted/desired and at some point the deeper aspects of love have to fill that void, ie commradery, unconditional love, appreciation, admiration, and security.
Someone wise once told me "love is easy, marriage is hard work". Maybe that is true??

 

[GotZoom]

I've always thought that if two people were truly in love with each other, they should both want what is best for the OTHER person.

This way...again...if they both feel this way....they will do everything in their power to make the other person feel happy, satisfied, fulfilled, and content. Could be working hard at their job to provide a good home, sex, cooking, housework, flowers, a little squeeze on the tush, a sweet "I love you," etc.

Then they both will have it made.

 

[manu1959]

...now...if I could only find a PARTNER...(sigh)


:wank:

dude....wtf....if the pictures you are posting are of you and your wife.....you should be drained of all bodily fluids daily

 

[dmp]

Darin, most people confuse sex with how someone makes them feel about themselves because for a while sex/passion is all it takes to feel good, but when that gets harder to maintain people need to be wanted/desired and at some point, the deeper aspects of love have to fill that void, ie commradery, unconditional love, appreciation, admiration, and security.

...or never starts at all - I know of marriages where the day after the wedding...or the month after...the couple stops being physically/sexually intimate. Usually it's one-sided - not always. But when it IS one sided, the side who is doing the 'get away from me' usually resorts to the 'Well, sex can't continue forever...' argument.

I think of sex as an expression of feelings about another. If a couple FEELS passionate towards one-another, sex happens. It's a symptom of a good, healthy relationship between a husband and wife - barring any medical, etc, reasons, of course, which could restrict sex.

However - if two people FEEL passionate, they'll express it....passion, desire, love - all those verbs HAPPEN.

Would I want somebody to 'give' me affection? Not really...I want somebody to FEEL affectionate towards me...

No, not YOU Don...no offense.

 

[dmp]

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/londoncuts/articles/21583748?source=Evening Standard

I take issue with equating passion and lust.

 

[dmp]

More...

http://www.rsc.org/chemistryworld/Issues/2006/February/CupidChemistry.asp

http://www.sensualism.com/love/

Lots of stuff - will read later.

 

[dmp]

First, I think you're setting up a strawman. "Friends" don't typically have children together. Second, I'm not disagreeing that intimacy is important. I'm saying that you can't base a marriage on emotion alone - or even primarily emotions. Again, a very important part of marriage, but without active conscious commitment, strong emotions and close intimacy can't make a good marriage.

You've missed my point. I'm saying friends MIGHT AS WELL as have kids together if simiply 'co-habitation' with somebody you like is what a marriage becomes, or is.

Why do you feel intimacy is an 'emotion'? I'm saying the role and importance of intimacy and passion (apart from physical sex) is too often downplayed. I'm saying WITHOUT emphasis on those points, a marriage is useless. Without those, a marriage becomes little more than a contractual obligation.

It's all about balance. It's dangerous for one to marry based on conscious commitment; just as it's dangerous to marry cuz 'she's really hot, and you want to bone her', or 'I FEEL for her'.

 

[dilloduck]

You've missed my point. I'm saying friends MIGHT AS WELL as have kids together if simiply 'co-habitation' with somebody you like is what a marriage becomes, or is.

Why do you feel intimacy is an 'emotion'? I'm saying the role and importance of intimacy and passion (apart from physical sex) is too often downplayed. I'm saying WITHOUT emphasis on those points, a marriage is useless. Without those, a marriage becomes little more than a contractual obligation.

It's all about balance. It's dangerous for one to marry based on conscious commitment; just as it's dangerous to marry cuz 'she's really hot, and you want to bone her', or 'I FEEL for her'.

Who is down playing passion and intimacy?

 

[dmp]

Who is down playing passion and intimacy?

Everytime people say "That's important, but........."

I say, w/o those things marriage is not much more than contractual agreement between pals.

 

[dilloduck]

Everytime people say "That's important, but........."

I say, w/o those things marriage is not much more than contractual agreement between pals.

I don't think they are downplaying it. I just think they are saying there is more to marriage than that. Hopefully the couple can get so trusting and passionate that they are able to pass what they have learned onto others.

 

[GotZoom]

I don't think they are downplaying it. I just think they are saying there is more to marriage than that. Hopefully the couple can get so trusting and passionate that they are able to pass what they have learned onto others.

Why do people accept that "there is more to marriage than that" as opposed to "that is a part of marriage that should never die?"

 

[Abbey Normal]

I think this is exactly what dmp is talking about.
...
Same with the "in love" subject. Why is it acceptable that "in love" may stop but "love" always continues.

I agree. I think the better way to put it is that we do stay "in love", but what "in love" feels like may change naturally over time.

 

[dmp]

But those two aspects Differentiate a "marriage" from "Friends living together".

And Zoomy hit the nail on the head, and I'll add to it by saying:

"Never stop trying to improve."

I hear SO many times offered as 'advice' to people who are struggling in their marriage: "You need to just be thankfull for what you have, and stop worrying about what you don't have."

I say, when the most defining aspects of marriage is lacking somebody sure as hell should worry about it.

 

[Abbey Normal]

Perhaps these pre-marriage classes are held too late to do any good regardless of their content. By the time many couples attend these classes, they are close to marriage and are convinced their love is perfect and will never change. Lessons probably aren't going to sink in.