Christians - does your church prepare you for marriage?

Discussion in 'Religion and Ethics' started by dmp, Feb 15, 2006.

  1. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    I've thinking lately about Church and marriage. For some time I've been thinking our churches do not do an adequate job of preparing young people for marriage, and not serving as a place of help for those already married.

    Growing up in the church I was taught things like 'Look - sex doesn't matter. It fades. Love fades. Love is a decision! What matters is doing the right thing and living up to your vows - but mostly only the vow about adultry. That's ALL that matters. Marry your Best Friend. As long as you're both Christians, and never have sex prior to marriage you'll be okay."

    The more I think about what I've been taught, the more I want to issue a hearty :fu2: to those 'lessons'.

    I WANT to have a great sex life with my mate.
    MY Passion doesn't fade.
    Vows work both ways - Love, Honor, and Cherrish are vows, too
    I don't want to be married to just a friend - I want to be married to a lover; the only difference between a friend and a lover is passion. I have many friends. I only want ONE lover.

    ...I've been talking with other Christians and I'm surprised a bit that there are people who feel as I do - sort of let-down by the church. Makes me wonder how many Christians suffer in silence because if they were to seek help they'd get the pat answers "aww...MATURE Love is boring. Look at Old people! When the sex is gone, and passions fade, you still have to LIVE with that person!" Some of these people live in a perpetual state of frustration and depression. At times they'd pray for God to simply REMOVE any desire have for as passionate, loving relationship - figuring it'd just be easier if they weren't 'wired' in a way which craved those things. I really 'hurt' inside for those folks. :(

    I'm here to say from the age of marriage, until 'The sex is gone and passion fades' can be a VERY VERY long time. So do Christians just pray for God to remove or 'fix' their desires for love in a marriage? Not just 'love' but 'being IN love'. I contend, the Best marriages are those where both people are IN-love. Not just 'have love'.

    Thoughts? Comments? Sorry - I'm not articulate today...that was sorta all over the place. :(

    Need more coffee, I suppose?

    hehe
     
  2. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    Wow--you got some lousy lessons
     
  3. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    I wish it was 'just me' - that's been the message of most churches I've been around.

    For the record, I stopped believing that stuff about age 20.
     
  4. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    SO you think the churches should encourage married couples to have more sex?
     
  5. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    I think churches need to put more effort into instructions about the topic; more importantly, I think the church should back off their emphasis on '...as long as you're friends, who love eachother...'
     
  6. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    " In you hymnals this Sunday you will find a copy of the Kama Sutra. Sex in marriage is a great thing. Go try it a bunch a different ways and celebrate it"

    Close?
     
  7. Nienna
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    Nienna Senior Member

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    Yeah, who DOESN'T want the passion to stay alive in their marriage? It seems like an entirely reasonable desire to me. But, I definitely believe some people have more of a capacity for that than others. Some people don't seem CAPABLE of "keeping the fire alive."

    I don't know if better premarital counseling is the answer, though. Some people don't know themselves well enough to understand what exactly that means. It sounds good in a pastor's office... "Work to keep the passion alive." So, people think, "Hey, I'm putting out. I'm keeping it alive." They have no understanding of real intimacy, and don't really even want to think about it because the idea of opening their hearts and minds to others is freakier than any horror film ever made.

    From a Christian point of view, though, I don't believe that God puts us in a marriage to have a happy marriage. I think He WANTS that for us, but that is not His main purpose. The entire reason for our being on this earth is so we can have the chance to make the choice to love Him above all things. If both marriage partners choose God first, then they will be more concerned with giving than with receiving. But, I think most of the time, one partner has a deeper level of intimacy with God than the other.

    In God's eyes, both husband and wife are His children. He loves both equally. If one is more CAPABLE of giving love/intimacy than the other, it doesn't excuse him/her from the duty of unconditional love just because he/she isn't getting it in return. God probably PLANNED it that way. The "loving" partner is probably God's TOOL for opening the "unloving" partner's heart to HIM.

    If a person has intimacy issues, often something in his/her past has caused this. Someone, or many people, in that person's past have made them afraid to open up. That person may never have been able to see God's patient, coaxing passion for His children. It is the spouse's job to show it to them, just as God would. Patiently, with never-ending forgiveness, undemandingly, unresentfully.

    As for the "loving" spouse...it kinda sucks for him/her. What does he/she get out of the deal? Heartbreak. Over and over and over again. Is that the sentence for being married to an intimacy avoider? It depends on the "loving" spouse's focus.

    If the "loving" spouse keeps trying to get intimacy from the "unloving" spouse, it will end in heartbreak. The more they push for it, the more the other one will resist. The "loving" spouse will feel like a failure, unloved, resentful because he/she is not getting "what I DESERVE." If the "loving" spouse turns outside the marriage to get intimacy, he/she has the added guilt of an affair, along with the deadening separation from God that comes with sin. So what is a "loving" spouse to do?

    What I have found is that God will NEVER leave His children unloved. He is the elusive "soul mate" that everyone is looking for. If the "loving" spouse will focus on Him, the most amazing, pure fountain of love will be poured over him/her, LAVISHLY. It's almost a physical feeling... a tingling on the lips, a warmth on the back. Your throat aches, tears flow from your eyes. You are breathless and nearly orgasmic with pleasure. Who better to give passion than the One who created the concept?

    God will send other love-gems, too. A kind word from a friend, the sweetness of a child's hand holding yours, EVEN---from time-to-time--- evidence of emotion from that "unloving" spouse.
     
  8. Avatar4321
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    Avatar4321 Diamond Member Gold Supporting Member

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    Considering that was the first commandment given, I would think its a christian duty to have as much hot sex with the spouse as possible:)
     
  9. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    Well, I went through a three-month marriage prep course, which focused on communication, but addressed many things. Here's what I think:

    1. Sex does, eventually, fade away. Hopefully, though, not until the couple is drawing Social Security checks. So one cannot base a marriage primarily on sexual passions.

    2. The emotional feelings of love may not always be there. One does not necessarily always feel "in love." That doesn't mean that the person doesn't still love their spouse. Much of love is a decision. It's the decision to love our spouse just like Christ loved the church - a love that was so deep, that Christ laid down His life in order to save the life of the Church. So while emotions come and go, the decision to act out of love towards one's spouse is the fulfillment of love.

    3. Adultery. It's a big issue. It's probably the most outward expression of a lack of commitment in a relationship, and is expressly forbidden by the 7th commandment, so it gets a lot of publicity. It's good to teach our children/young adults that adultery and fornication is wrong, but I think you are on to a good point - we have to teach them that there is more to marrigae than not screwing other people, and that pre-marital purity is not just a line not to be crossed, but a lifestyle choice.

    4. Friendship. Frankly, friendship - actually, companionship - is hugely important. How can you love someone to whom you can't even relate?
     
  10. misterblu
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    misterblu Active Member

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    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to mom4 again.
     

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