Christians - does your church prepare you for marriage?

[dmp]

I've thinking lately about Church and marriage. For some time I've been thinking our churches do not do an adequate job of preparing young people for marriage, and not serving as a place of help for those already married.

Growing up in the church I was taught things like 'Look - sex doesn't matter. It fades. Love fades. Love is a decision! What matters is doing the right thing and living up to your vows - but mostly only the vow about adultry. That's ALL that matters. Marry your Best Friend. As long as you're both Christians, and never have sex prior to marriage you'll be okay."

The more I think about what I've been taught, the more I want to issue a hearty :fu2: to those 'lessons'.

I WANT to have a great sex life with my mate.
MY Passion doesn't fade.
Vows work both ways - Love, Honor, and Cherrish are vows, too
I don't want to be married to just a friend - I want to be married to a lover; the only difference between a friend and a lover is passion. I have many friends. I only want ONE lover.

...I've been talking with other Christians and I'm surprised a bit that there are people who feel as I do - sort of let-down by the church. Makes me wonder how many Christians suffer in silence because if they were to seek help they'd get the pat answers "aww...MATURE Love is boring. Look at Old people! When the sex is gone, and passions fade, you still have to LIVE with that person!" Some of these people live in a perpetual state of frustration and depression. At times they'd pray for God to simply REMOVE any desire have for as passionate, loving relationship - figuring it'd just be easier if they weren't 'wired' in a way which craved those things. I really 'hurt' inside for those folks.

I'm here to say from the age of marriage, until 'The sex is gone and passion fades' can be a VERY VERY long time. So do Christians just pray for God to remove or 'fix' their desires for love in a marriage? Not just 'love' but 'being IN love'. I contend, the Best marriages are those where both people are IN-love. Not just 'have love'.

Thoughts? Comments? Sorry - I'm not articulate today...that was sorta all over the place.

Need more coffee, I suppose?

hehe

 

[dilloduck]

I've thinking lately about Church and marriage. For some time I've been thinking our churches do not do an adequate job of preparing young people for marriage, and not serving as a place of help for those already married.

Growing up in the church I was taught things like 'Look - sex doesn't matter. It fades. Love fades. Love is a decision! What matters is doing the right thing and living up to your vows - but mostly only the vow about adultry. That's ALL that matters. Marry your Best Friend. As long as you're both Christians, and never have sex prior to marriage you'll be okay."

The more I think about what I've been taught, the more I want to issue a hearty :fu2: to those 'lessons'.

I WANT to have a great sex life with my mate.
MY Passion doesn't fade.
Vows work both ways - Love, Honor, and Cherrish are vows, too
I don't want to be married to just a friend - I want to be married to a lover; the only difference between a friend and a lover is passion. I have many friends. I only want ONE lover.

...I've been talking with other Christians and I'm surprised a bit that there are people who feel as I do - sort of let-down by the church. Makes me wonder how many Christians suffer in silence because if they were to seek help they'd get the pat answers "aww...MATURE Love is boring. Look at Old people! When the sex is gone, and passions fade, you still have to LIVE with that person!" Some of these people live in a perpetual state of frustration and depression. At times they'd pray for God to simply REMOVE any desire have for as passionate, loving relationship - figuring it'd just be easier if they weren't 'wired' in a way which craved those things. I really 'hurt' inside for those folks.

I'm here to say from the age of marriage, until 'The sex is gone and passion fades' can be a VERY VERY long time. So do Christians just pray for God to remove or 'fix' their desires for love in a marriage? Not just 'love' but 'being IN love'. I contend, the Best marriages are those where both people are IN-love. Not just 'have love'.

Thoughts? Comments? Sorry - I'm not articulate today...that was sorta all over the place.

Need more coffee, I suppose?

hehe

Wow--you got some lousy lessons

 

[dmp]

I wish it was 'just me' - that's been the message of most churches I've been around.

For the record, I stopped believing that stuff about age 20.

 

[dilloduck]

SO you think the churches should encourage married couples to have more sex?

 

[dmp]

SO you think the churches should encourage married couples to have more sex?

I think churches need to put more effort into instructions about the topic; more importantly, I think the church should back off their emphasis on '...as long as you're friends, who love eachother...'

 

[dilloduck]

I think churches need to put more effort into instructions about the topic; more importantly, I think the church should back off their emphasis on '...as long as you're friends, who love eachother...'

" In you hymnals this Sunday you will find a copy of the Kama Sutra. Sex in marriage is a great thing. Go try it a bunch a different ways and celebrate it"

Close?

 

[Nienna]

I've thinking lately about Church and marriage. For some time I've been thinking our churches do not do an adequate job of preparing young people for marriage, and not serving as a place of help for those already married.

Growing up in the church I was taught things like 'Look - sex doesn't matter. It fades. Love fades. Love is a decision! What matters is doing the right thing and living up to your vows - but mostly only the vow about adultry. That's ALL that matters. Marry your Best Friend. As long as you're both Christians, and never have sex prior to marriage you'll be okay."

The more I think about what I've been taught, the more I want to issue a hearty :fu2: to those 'lessons'.

I WANT to have a great sex life with my mate.
MY Passion doesn't fade.
Vows work both ways - Love, Honor, and Cherrish are vows, too
I don't want to be married to just a friend - I want to be married to a lover; the only difference between a friend and a lover is passion. I have many friends. I only want ONE lover.

...I've been talking with other Christians and I'm surprised a bit that there are people who feel as I do - sort of let-down by the church. Makes me wonder how many Christians suffer in silence because if they were to seek help they'd get the pat answers "aww...MATURE Love is boring. Look at Old people! When the sex is gone, and passions fade, you still have to LIVE with that person!" Some of these people live in a perpetual state of frustration and depression. At times they'd pray for God to simply REMOVE any desire have for as passionate, loving relationship - figuring it'd just be easier if they weren't 'wired' in a way which craved those things. I really 'hurt' inside for those folks.

I'm here to say from the age of marriage, until 'The sex is gone and passion fades' can be a VERY VERY long time. So do Christians just pray for God to remove or 'fix' their desires for love in a marriage? Not just 'love' but 'being IN love'. I contend, the Best marriages are those where both people are IN-love. Not just 'have love'.

Thoughts? Comments? Sorry - I'm not articulate today...that was sorta all over the place.

Need more coffee, I suppose?

hehe

Yeah, who DOESN'T want the passion to stay alive in their marriage? It seems like an entirely reasonable desire to me. But, I definitely believe some people have more of a capacity for that than others. Some people don't seem CAPABLE of "keeping the fire alive."

I don't know if better premarital counseling is the answer, though. Some people don't know themselves well enough to understand what exactly that means. It sounds good in a pastor's office... "Work to keep the passion alive." So, people think, "Hey, I'm putting out. I'm keeping it alive." They have no understanding of real intimacy, and don't really even want to think about it because the idea of opening their hearts and minds to others is freakier than any horror film ever made.

From a Christian point of view, though, I don't believe that God puts us in a marriage to have a happy marriage. I think He WANTS that for us, but that is not His main purpose. The entire reason for our being on this earth is so we can have the chance to make the choice to love Him above all things. If both marriage partners choose God first, then they will be more concerned with giving than with receiving. But, I think most of the time, one partner has a deeper level of intimacy with God than the other.

In God's eyes, both husband and wife are His children. He loves both equally. If one is more CAPABLE of giving love/intimacy than the other, it doesn't excuse him/her from the duty of unconditional love just because he/she isn't getting it in return. God probably PLANNED it that way. The "loving" partner is probably God's TOOL for opening the "unloving" partner's heart to HIM.

If a person has intimacy issues, often something in his/her past has caused this. Someone, or many people, in that person's past have made them afraid to open up. That person may never have been able to see God's patient, coaxing passion for His children. It is the spouse's job to show it to them, just as God would. Patiently, with never-ending forgiveness, undemandingly, unresentfully.

As for the "loving" spouse...it kinda sucks for him/her. What does he/she get out of the deal? Heartbreak. Over and over and over again. Is that the sentence for being married to an intimacy avoider? It depends on the "loving" spouse's focus.

If the "loving" spouse keeps trying to get intimacy from the "unloving" spouse, it will end in heartbreak. The more they push for it, the more the other one will resist. The "loving" spouse will feel like a failure, unloved, resentful because he/she is not getting "what I DESERVE." If the "loving" spouse turns outside the marriage to get intimacy, he/she has the added guilt of an affair, along with the deadening separation from God that comes with sin. So what is a "loving" spouse to do?

What I have found is that God will NEVER leave His children unloved. He is the elusive "soul mate" that everyone is looking for. If the "loving" spouse will focus on Him, the most amazing, pure fountain of love will be poured over him/her, LAVISHLY. It's almost a physical feeling... a tingling on the lips, a warmth on the back. Your throat aches, tears flow from your eyes. You are breathless and nearly orgasmic with pleasure. Who better to give passion than the One who created the concept?

God will send other love-gems, too. A kind word from a friend, the sweetness of a child's hand holding yours, EVEN---from time-to-time--- evidence of emotion from that "unloving" spouse.

 

[Avatar4321]

SO you think the churches should encourage married couples to have more sex?

Considering that was the first commandment given, I would think its a christian duty to have as much hot sex with the spouse as possible

 

[5stringJeff]

I've thinking lately about Church and marriage. For some time I've been thinking our churches do not do an adequate job of preparing young people for marriage, and not serving as a place of help for those already married.

Growing up in the church I was taught things like 'Look - sex doesn't matter. It fades. Love fades. Love is a decision! What matters is doing the right thing and living up to your vows - but mostly only the vow about adultry. That's ALL that matters. Marry your Best Friend. As long as you're both Christians, and never have sex prior to marriage you'll be okay."

The more I think about what I've been taught, the more I want to issue a hearty :fu2: to those 'lessons'.

I WANT to have a great sex life with my mate.
MY Passion doesn't fade.
Vows work both ways - Love, Honor, and Cherrish are vows, too
I don't want to be married to just a friend - I want to be married to a lover; the only difference between a friend and a lover is passion. I have many friends. I only want ONE lover.

...I've been talking with other Christians and I'm surprised a bit that there are people who feel as I do - sort of let-down by the church. Makes me wonder how many Christians suffer in silence because if they were to seek help they'd get the pat answers "aww...MATURE Love is boring. Look at Old people! When the sex is gone, and passions fade, you still have to LIVE with that person!" Some of these people live in a perpetual state of frustration and depression. At times they'd pray for God to simply REMOVE any desire have for as passionate, loving relationship - figuring it'd just be easier if they weren't 'wired' in a way which craved those things. I really 'hurt' inside for those folks.

I'm here to say from the age of marriage, until 'The sex is gone and passion fades' can be a VERY VERY long time. So do Christians just pray for God to remove or 'fix' their desires for love in a marriage? Not just 'love' but 'being IN love'. I contend, the Best marriages are those where both people are IN-love. Not just 'have love'.

Thoughts? Comments? Sorry - I'm not articulate today...that was sorta all over the place.

Need more coffee, I suppose?

hehe

Well, I went through a three-month marriage prep course, which focused on communication, but addressed many things. Here's what I think:

1. Sex does, eventually, fade away. Hopefully, though, not until the couple is drawing Social Security checks. So one cannot base a marriage primarily on sexual passions.

2. The emotional feelings of love may not always be there. One does not necessarily always feel "in love." That doesn't mean that the person doesn't still love their spouse. Much of love is a decision. It's the decision to love our spouse just like Christ loved the church - a love that was so deep, that Christ laid down His life in order to save the life of the Church. So while emotions come and go, the decision to act out of love towards one's spouse is the fulfillment of love.

3. Adultery. It's a big issue. It's probably the most outward expression of a lack of commitment in a relationship, and is expressly forbidden by the 7th commandment, so it gets a lot of publicity. It's good to teach our children/young adults that adultery and fornication is wrong, but I think you are on to a good point - we have to teach them that there is more to marrigae than not screwing other people, and that pre-marital purity is not just a line not to be crossed, but a lifestyle choice.

4. Friendship. Frankly, friendship - actually, companionship - is hugely important. How can you love someone to whom you can't even relate?

 

[misterblu]

Yeah, who DOESN'T want the passion to stay alive in their marriage? It seems like an entirely reasonable desire to me. But, I definitely believe some people have more of a capacity for that than others. Some people don't seem CAPABLE of "keeping the fire alive."

I don't know if better premarital counseling is the answer, though. Some people don't know themselves well enough to understand what exactly that means. It sounds good in a pastor's office... "Work to keep the passion alive." So, people think, "Hey, I'm putting out. I'm keeping it alive." They have no understanding of real intimacy, and don't really even want to think about it because the idea of opening their hearts and minds to others is freakier than any horror film ever made.

From a Christian point of view, though, I don't believe that God puts us in a marriage to have a happy marriage. I think He WANTS that for us, but that is not His main purpose. The entire reason for our being on this earth is so we can have the chance to make the choice to love Him above all things. If both marriage partners choose God first, then they will be more concerned with giving than with receiving. But, I think most of the time, one partner has a deeper level of intimacy with God than the other.

In God's eyes, both husband and wife are His children. He loves both equally. If one is more CAPABLE of giving love/intimacy than the other, it doesn't excuse him/her from the duty of unconditional love just because he/she isn't getting it in return. God probably PLANNED it that way. The "loving" partner is probably God's TOOL for opening the "unloving" partner's heart to HIM.

If a person has intimacy issues, often something in his/her past has caused this. Someone, or many people, in that person's past have made them afraid to open up. That person may never have been able to see God's patient, coaxing passion for His children. It is the spouse's job to show it to them, just as God would. Patiently, with never-ending forgiveness, undemandingly, unresentfully.

As for the "loving" spouse...it kinda sucks for him/her. What does he/she get out of the deal? Heartbreak. Over and over and over again. Is that the sentence for being married to an intimacy avoider? It depends on the "loving" spouse's focus.

If the "loving" spouse keeps trying to get intimacy from the "unloving" spouse, it will end in heartbreak. The more they push for it, the more the other one will resist. The "loving" spouse will feel like a failure, unloved, resentful because he/she is not getting "what I DESERVE." If the "loving" spouse turns outside the marriage to get intimacy, he/she has the added guilt of an affair, along with the deadening separation from God that comes with sin. So what is a "loving" spouse to do?

What I have found is that God will NEVER leave His children unloved. He is the elusive "soul mate" that everyone is looking for. If the "loving" spouse will focus on Him, the most amazing, pure fountain of love will be poured over him/her, LAVISHLY. It's almost a physical feeling... a tingling on the lips, a warmth on the back. Your throat aches, tears flow from your eyes. You are breathless and nearly orgasmic with pleasure. Who better to give passion than the One who created the concept?

God will send other love-gems, too. A kind word from a friend, the sweetness of a child's hand holding yours, EVEN---from time-to-time--- evidence of emotion from that "unloving" spouse.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to mom4 again.

 

[GotZoom]

Well, I went through a three-month marriage prep course, which focused on communication, but addressed many things. Here's what I think:

1. Sex does, eventually, fade away. Hopefully, though, not until the couple is drawing Social Security checks. So one cannot base a marriage primarily on sexual passions.

2. The emotional feelings of love may not always be there. One does not necessarily always feel "in love." That doesn't mean that the person doesn't still love their spouse. Much of love is a decision. It's the decision to love our spouse just like Christ loved the church - a love that was so deep, that Christ laid down His life in order to save the life of the Church. So while emotions come and go, the decision to act out of love towards one's spouse is the fulfillment of love.

3. Adultery. It's a big issue. It's probably the most outward expression of a lack of commitment in a relationship, and is expressly forbidden by the 7th commandment, so it gets a lot of publicity. It's good to teach our children/young adults that adultery and fornication is wrong, but I think you are on to a good point - we have to teach them that there is more to marrigae than not screwing other people, and that pre-marital purity is not just a line not to be crossed, but a lifestyle choice.

4. Friendship. Frankly, friendship - actually, companionship - is hugely important. How can you love someone to whom you can't even relate?

I think this is exactly what dmp is talking about.

Instead of telling people sex fades away, how about telling how to keep the sex in a marriage.

Same with the "in love" subject. Why is it acceptable that "in love" may stop but "love" always continues.

 

[Avatar4321]

I think churches need to put more effort into instructions about the topic; more importantly, I think the church should back off their emphasis on '...as long as you're friends, who love eachother...'

I've never heard the "as long as your friends who love each other" line.

However, I do think it would be good to prepare youth for marriage more. I think much of that preparation has to come from the parents though. First, by being good examples in marriage and showing how its done. Second, sharing how important the family is. Third, teaching children how to work and take responsibility for themselves. If children never get taught that life can be rough sometimes and you need to pull together to get through those tough times, when those children get married and have problems they are going to just fall apart and run away.

I also think its important that we don't let ourselves get decieved. Too many Christians think that sex is bad. I think this is a deception the world uses to justify their actions. They claim that those who have faith think sex is bad and since sex is obviously good, we then are lunatics and they don't have to listen to us. Too many Christians get lulled into following the worlds lead and start attacking sex as though it was bad, which feeds back into the worlds belief.

The fact is sex is not bad, quite the opposite. It's just very sacred. It is in that one act that God has given us His greatest power. The power to create life. All He asks is that we use that sacred power in the bonds of marriage so that any life created will have the benefit of a father and a mother who are working together to raise him or her. People need to understand that sex can be beautiful. But it can also be very ugly if misused. it can not only destroy the lives of good men and women, but because of the very nature of the act it can effect the lives of generations of mankind. Even as much as murdering someone can.

This teaching should be started by the parents and then reinforced by the Church. Until people understand the reason why sex should be saved for marriage and then exercised generously within the bonds, they won't care whether its a commandment and likely wont listen to it.

As for a sexless marriage. rekindle the spark. There was a reason to get married to begin with. Too many people think that the courtship ends with the marriage. In reality its just the beginning. Men just need to take their wives on dates. Obviously more difficult with kids, but just little things like walks in the park or dinner or the occasional big date. let the romance be rekindled through romance and for service. The more you serve the other person the more you will love them and the more naturally sex will flow from that love.

of course some of you are probably asking what I know. I am single after all. But I try to be observant. its better to learn from the success and mistakes of others than my own experience.

 

[Nienna]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to mom4 again.

Thanks, anyway, misterblu!

 

[5stringJeff]

I think this is exactly what dmp is talking about.

Instead of telling people sex fades away, how about telling how to keep the sex in a marriage.

Same with the "in love" subject. Why is it acceptable that "in love" may stop but "love" always continues.

There are many programs that teach that - and most of them revolve around greater intimacy in all aspects of the marriage. IMO, sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. It's great, it's fun, and I love it, but it's not the most important thing.

And my point about love vs. in-love is that "in love" is often tied to emotions, and emotions are fickle. You can't base a marriage on emotions, whether you "feel in love" with someone that day. You have to make the conscious decision that you will love this person, and then make the effort to show your love to them.

And if you don't believe me, ask Gretchen Wilson.

 

[GotZoom]

There are many programs that teach that - and most of them revolve around greater intimacy in all aspects of the marriage. IMO, sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. It's great, it's fun, and I love it, but it's not the most important thing.

And my point about love vs. in-love is that "in love" is often tied to emotions, and emotions are fickle. You can't base a marriage on emotions, whether you "feel in love" with someone that day. You have to make the conscious decision that you will love this person, and then make the effort to show your love to them.

And if you don't believe me, ask Gretchen Wilson.

Sex isn't the most important thing. It is, however, one of the vehicles used to show how you feel. Along with flowers, words, doing the extra things that aren't ask for, etc.

"In love" comes after "love". I would certainly hope that people don't base getting married on loving someone and not being in love with someone.

I think if they do that, they have either given up before they started, and/or they are doomed to be miserable.

That is a nice song. There are also many songs talking about being "in love" - "lasting forever" - etc.

 

[dmp]

There are many programs that teach that - and most of them revolve around greater intimacy in all aspects of the marriage. IMO, sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. It's great, it's fun, and I love it, but it's not the most important thing.

And my point about love vs. in-love is that "in love" is often tied to emotions, and emotions are fickle. You can't base a marriage on emotions, whether you "feel in love" with someone that day. You have to make the conscious decision that you will love this person, and then make the effort to show your love to them.

And if you don't believe me, ask Gretchen Wilson.

Intimacy is the most important aspect of a marriage - it seperates friends living together raising kids with 'a couple' living together, raising kids.

I guess I'm questioning the cliche` "Sex/Passion fades..."

Why does it have to? Certainly hasn't for me in 10 years. In fact, I'm MORE into that stuff than when I got married.

 

[Avatar4321]

Intimacy is the most important aspect of a marriage - it seperates friends living together raising kids with 'a couple' living together, raising kids.

I guess I'm questioning the cliche` "Sex/Passion fades..."

Why does it have to? Certainly hasn't for me in 10 years. In fact, I'm MORE into that stuff than when I got married.

Thats a good thing. Sex was meant to be enjoyed. it means you're doing it right... or atleast she is

 

[misterblu]

I would certainly hope that people don't base getting married on loving someone and not being in love with someone.

I think if they do that, they have either given up before they started, and/or they are doomed to be miserable.

I agree. However, it works both ways.

I would certainly hope that people don't base getting married on being in love with someone and not on loving someone.

I think if they do that, they are doomed to be miserable.

 

[dmp]

Thats a good thing. Sex was meant to be enjoyed. it means you're doing it right...

...now...if I could only find a PARTNER...(sigh)


:wank:

 

[dilloduck]

I honestly think the church has its hands full try to encourage people to not have sex until they are married. It probably assumes that nature will take it's course after the nuptials and it's more concerned that the people who had such high hopes that simply having sex would cement the relationship forever.
Maybe the church should give some "How to have great sex after you are married "classes but frankly I think they are too embarrassed by sex to do that.