BREAKING: Obamacare's True Effects

[Destroyer2]

Beginning Friday of last week, we began receiving reports of the strange side effects of Obamacare that even Holy Savior Ted Cruz could not have predicted.

Some of the various side-effects reported were:

-Amnesia ("Why did I vote for Obama, again?")
-Aches and Pains ("Aw geez my head is killing me from being on this website so long")
-Blindness ("HOLY SHIT I STARED AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN FOR TOO LONG I'M BLIIIIIIIND")
-Colored Urine ("...what? I couldn't go out and get water while I was waiting for my healthcare so I drank some ammonia. You got a problem with that?")
-Hallucinations ("I SEE THE HEALTHCARE, I SEE IT EVERYWHERE")
-Sleepwalking ("Must...get...healthcare...zzzzzzzz")
-Bowel Problems ("I was too busy buying healthcare to go out and buy fruit.")
-Alcoholism ("Ugh, this healthcare plan is depressing. Better drink my sorrows away.")
-Suicidal Thoughts ("HOLY SHIT JUST KILL ME ALREADY IT MUST BE WAY BETTER THAN THIS FUCKING MARKET")
-Birth Defects ("Well I needed to buy healthcare so I kind of had the baby on top of the computer...and it kind of burned itself...")

We reached Kathleen Obamacare, Secretary of Obamacare and Human Obamacares, for comment.

"The side effects may seem bad now," she replied, "But at least those people now have the healthcare to get them fixed!"

We also reached Ted Cruz for comment:

"I warned you, America. I warned Congress, I warned the President, I warned the Democrats, and I warned you. These are the first steps of Obama's Nazi takeover of this country, and I, your faithful and sovereign leader, will rise to fight this epic power and defeat it before the next shutdown even needs to happen."

We attempted to reach Barack Obama, but he declined to comment on the matter.