>> WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.
... “Oh my God—I can see the CHIP provisions spreading out in every direction forever and ever and ever,” said a reeling McConnell, gazing wide-eyed as infinite, interlocking fractal combinations of health savings plans, employer-provided coverage, and government subsidies enveloped him in an accelerating stream, eventually passing over him with such velocity that they appeared to be an entire galaxy of stars swirling around him. “Now I can see…I can see the outpatient hospital visits covered for every child in the country! No, every child who’s ever been born, and will ever be born! Even the ones who haven’t yet been conceived!”
“The scope of coverage is so beautiful,” added the senator quietly. “Whoa.”
According to sources, McConnell’s hallucinations came on slowly, first appearing as a geodesic block grant spiraling gently in the center of the senator’s desk before morphing into a gigantic, prismatic spiderweb of plans whose out-of-pocket prescription expenses expanded and contracted with McConnell’s every breath.
.... “Every co-pay is connected to every patient is connected to every beating human heart,” said McConnell as he began to peel off his suit and tie until he was completely nude. “The individual mandate is total bullshit, because the plan is life itself, and you can’t opt in or out of life. And the continuous coverage incentive—well, it’s fucking this! All of this! The river and the sky and the grass and the trees. And it’s you! You and me. We’re all part of the plan.”
“Fuck, I’m tripping balls,” added McConnell, waving his hands in front of his face and attempting to grasp at the low-cost, high-value brackets that had presented themselves as glowing orbs. <<
... “Oh my God—I can see the CHIP provisions spreading out in every direction forever and ever and ever,” said a reeling McConnell, gazing wide-eyed as infinite, interlocking fractal combinations of health savings plans, employer-provided coverage, and government subsidies enveloped him in an accelerating stream, eventually passing over him with such velocity that they appeared to be an entire galaxy of stars swirling around him. “Now I can see…I can see the outpatient hospital visits covered for every child in the country! No, every child who’s ever been born, and will ever be born! Even the ones who haven’t yet been conceived!”
“The scope of coverage is so beautiful,” added the senator quietly. “Whoa.”
According to sources, McConnell’s hallucinations came on slowly, first appearing as a geodesic block grant spiraling gently in the center of the senator’s desk before morphing into a gigantic, prismatic spiderweb of plans whose out-of-pocket prescription expenses expanded and contracted with McConnell’s every breath.
.... “Every co-pay is connected to every patient is connected to every beating human heart,” said McConnell as he began to peel off his suit and tie until he was completely nude. “The individual mandate is total bullshit, because the plan is life itself, and you can’t opt in or out of life. And the continuous coverage incentive—well, it’s fucking this! All of this! The river and the sky and the grass and the trees. And it’s you! You and me. We’re all part of the plan.”
“Fuck, I’m tripping balls,” added McConnell, waving his hands in front of his face and attempting to grasp at the low-cost, high-value brackets that had presented themselves as glowing orbs. <<
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