Bootneck's Sunday Pub gossip

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Bootneck, Jul 12, 2009.

  1. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Went to the pub lunchtime. Usual crowd was in except for two strangers. Turns out they’re tourists. A Frenchman and an Italian. Anyway, they’re next to me at the bar and I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. They’re discussing their sexual prowess with their women last night. Tossers! Anyway, the Frenchman is bragging how he made love to his bird four times last night and how this morning she made him delicious crepes and told him how much she adored him. This starts the Italian off, who proceeds to boast how he made love to his woman six times and how she made him a wonderful omelette this morning and told him she could never love another man. What a pair of arseholes! Next thing, the Frog turns to me and with Gallic smugness asked me how many times I made love to my woman last night. “Just the once,” I told him.
    “Only once,” laughed the Italian. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
    “Don’t stop.” I told him.

    Anyway, Dave hasn’t arrived yet so I used the opportunity to read the newspaper. Came across an interesting article about a research study on women’s opinions of their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting.
    25% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. Just shows how love will generally prevail.

    Couple of ads in the paper made me laugh. One was for Nike. They’re bringing out trainers for lesbians. They're calling them 'Nikes for Dykes!' You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
    The other one was a small ad in the used items for sale section. It said: ‘set of six G-Strings for sale - kept in good nick!’ The mind boggles!

    One of the regulars had an unfortunate experience. Slipped on a freshly laid dog turd outside the pub entrance. He asked the barman for a cloth and as he was cleaning his shoe, big Mick was coming in and slipped on the same turd. The first bloke yelled out, “I just did that!” upon which big Mick called him a dirty bastard and whacked him full on the nose. They should change his name to thick Mick!

    My mate Dave eventually arrived with this bloke Danny. More bleeding money than sense has Danny. Silly sod had three girlfriends and couldn’t decide on which one to marry. You know what he did to resolve his problem? He gave each of them £5,000 to see what they would do with it. The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, a pedicure and a Brazilian. She told him she spent the money so that she could look beautiful for him because she loved him so much.
    The second one bought a plasma TV, a CD player and a set of golf clubs and gave them to Danny. She told him she used the money to buy these gifts because she loved him so much.
    The third woman invested the money in the stock market and doubled her investment in no time at all. She returned the original £5,000 to Danny and reinvested the profit, telling him that she was investing in their future because she loved him so much.
    So after due consideration on how each woman had used the money, who do you think he decided to marry? Don’t bother. You’d be wrong. After all that, he married the one with the biggest tits!

    Dave’s in trouble with his wife AGAIN! Jeez she must have given him a right going over. He had a black eye, a split lip and six stitches in a head wound. All as a result of a round of golf with his wife. Apparently his wife sliced her ball into a field full of cattle. As they were looking for her ball, Dave noticed something white sticking out of the rear end of one of the cows. He went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with his wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, he yelled to wife, "Hey this looks like yours! " He says he doesn’t remember much after that.."

    I do like Sunday at the pub. Always something going on.

    Oh, nearly forgot. As we left the pub there were two guys approaching each other on the pavement. Both were dragging their right foot as they walked. As they meet one looks at the other knowingly and says, “Iraq, 2003.” The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”
     
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  2. Big Black Dog
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    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

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    Where is this Pub? Maybe I'll fly over there next Saturday night... You're the kind of guy I could toss a few back with.
     
  3. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    Have one with Bootneck for me, BBD. :D
     
  4. Big Black Dog
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    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

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    Toss some fresh undies and tooth brush in a sack and we'll both go. We should be home no later than Monday night - well, Tuesday night. Might have to sober up enough to travel. Last time I traveled drunk I ended up in El Paso, TX. Not a real problem being there except I was trying to get to Chicago.
     
  5. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    I've got family in TX, so we're good if we end up there.

    Got some in CO, WI and a whole passel of 'em in MI. Friends in lots of other states. ;)
     
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  6. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Trout Inn, near Plymouth. Pint of bitter on the bar waiting!
     
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  7. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    That's a good idea. Although, once Eve gets her eyes on some of these Marines down here she probably won't want to return in a hurry. As for you BBD. We'll be more than happy to provide you with a stretcher home!
     
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  8. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Just popped over to the pub for a quick one...drink, that is. What a hoot! The landlord has put this sign outside:


    [​IMG]


    Not a lot going on. Bit early really, but there was one interesting event. This business type bloke walked in and sat himself at the bar, next to this dishy blonde. He leaned over to her and I heard him ask if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, a bit drunk just wants to finish her drink, so she politely declines.
    The bloke persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and visa-versa."
    Again, she politely declines.
    The bloke, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £50" obviously figuring that since she is a blonde he will easily win the match.
    This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
    The bloke asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
    The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-pound note and hands it to the bloke.
    Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the bloke "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four legs. He looks at her in bewilderment.
    He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. All to no avail. After thirty minutes, he takes a £50 pound-note from his wallet and hands it to the blonde. The blonde politely takes the fifty quid and turns away to finish her drink.
    The bloke, who is more than a little miffed, says to the blonde, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
    Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the guy £5 and continues finishing her drink.

    Who says blondes are dumb! Well, this blonde sure wasn't. I reckon she was a natural blonde and in my experience they're never dumb. Oh, by the way. Short joke. Why are artificial blondes like 747s?
    ......They both have little black boxes. :eusa_whistle:
     
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  9. Mr.Fitnah
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    Mr.Fitnah Dreamcrusher

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    Country's first legal gigolo starts work in Nevada
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    BEATTY, Nev. (AP) - A brothel in a Nevada desert town has hired the state's first male prostitute, a muscular college dropout who abandoned a brief stint as a porn actor in Los Angeles to become the only legal gigolo in the United States.
    The Shady Lady Ranch successfully won state and county approval to clear the way for the "prostidude," as Nevada's newest sex worker is already being called. After a slow first week on the job, his first appointments are scheduled for this weekend.
    The male prostitute - known as "Markus" - has quickly become the center of attention in Nevada's brothel industry.
    He has been criticized by female counterparts for not being willing to have sex with men. And he created a dustup after telling Details Magazine that his pioneering role in the sex business was "just the same" as civil rights icon Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat and move to the back of the bus. Not surprisingly, he has been forbidden from doing interviews after the remarks.

    My Way News - Country's first legal gigolo starts work in Nevada

    Go ahead see if you can work a whole shift.
     
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  10. RodISHI
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    RodISHI Gold Member

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    I wonder when the brothel will be sued for discrimination?
     
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