Benevolent lawyer

[Colin]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man,
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[Blagger]

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda (Police). He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.

Irish Garda says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

 

[Madeline]

Heaven and Hell are separated by a fence, and one day a section of it falls down. God tells Satan "You must pay half the repair costs." Satan says "O fuck off, I will not." God says "It was in the fencing contract; you agreed. If you refuse to pay, I will sue you."

Satan says "O fuck off. Where would YOU get a lawyer?"

 

[Granny]

Heaven and Hell are separated by a fence, and one day a section of it falls down. God tells Satan "You must pay half the repair costs." Satan says "O fuck off, I will not." God says "It was in the fencing contract; you agreed. If you refuse to pay, I will sue you."

Satan says "O fuck off. Where would YOU get a lawyer?"

There was a case like this in Virginia. Lawyer buys place in the country, immediately puts fence around his property and hands a bill for their share of the cost to each neighbor whose land adjoined his. A couple of neighbors paid and one farmer put down his foot and refused. There were years of contention between all the neighbors against the lawyer. Suits and counter-suits sort of became the "daily rural life."

One day the farmer (in his 70s) came on the lawyer's land to retrieve one of his cows and had a stick or something in his hand. Lawyer comes out screaming, shoots the farmer dead because he was threatened by the farmer's waiving stick. Immediately - immediately after farmer death, lawyer sues farmer's widow for the fence money and I think the case got settled, but when the lawyer's murder trial came up ... he got off Scott free.

The lawyer found an old 17th century law still in the Code of Virginia stating that people whose property was adjoined had to pay for half the cost of fencing.

 

[PoliticalChic]

A lawyer meets the devil, and the conversation progresses to the usual, the devil offers
deal: I can make you a senior partner in your firm, but you have to give me your soul, and the souls of everyone in your family. The lawyer thinks for a moment, and then asks: “OK, what’s the catch?”

 

[ekrem]

2 children talk to each other:
"My dad is a lawyer!"
"Honestly?"
"No, a normal one."

 

[ekrem]

A woman wants to divorce her husband. She goes to the lawyer.
The lawyer asks:

"Does your husband drink?" - "No, he doesn't".
"Is he beating you?" - "No, he isn't"
"And how about adultery?" - "That's where we get him, 2 of the children are not from him"