Ask Joe (a new advice column just for USMB members)

[AVG-JOE]

This was/is a great thread and Joe is such a good sport...naked

If you can't say "A-Men!!" say "Oh, My!!"

- Average advice #51​

 

[Derideo_Te]

So let's get this thread kick started again.

Joe,

Has the move to the new USMB format made your life as a mod any easier?

Clueless in Cleveland

 

[AVG-JOE]

Truth be told, it has... but I paid extra for the options package that came with the voice of Taylor Swift and a really nice beer koozy.

21st Century Life as an average American Monkey, eh? ​

 

[HenryBHough]

Why are "no parking" signs allowed in parks?

 

[AVG-JOE]

Depends on the park, I suppose...

Sounds like a local issue. My advice is to Google 'Parks and Recreation'.

​

 

[Vandalshandle]

Dear Joe,

My wife divorced me, simply because I persisted in introducing her as, "My first wife". Since I am married again, everything I said turned out to be true. Do you agree with me that she owes me an apology?

Self-satisfied in AZ.

 

[LoneLaugher]

I like this thread.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

My wife divorced me, simply because I persisted in introducing her as, "My first wife". Since I am married again, everything I said turned out to be true. Do you agree with me that she owes me an apology?

Self-satisfied in AZ.

Sometimes. It depends on her next report card from anger management class and my proximity to the conversation. Ask me again when it's more relevant.

 

[Vandalshandle]

Dear Joe,

According to my news source, Camilla is going to divorce Prince Charles, for having an affair with Barbara Streisand. My question is in three parts. First, does this confirm that Charles is a masochist? Second, are both Charles and Barbara blind? Third, does this mean that Queen Elizabeth will have to survive another 50 years, just to avoid leaving the crown to Charles?

Royally Bewildered in Tucson

 

[Derideo_Te]

Dear Joe,

How long have the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny been an item?

Dorothy, now back in Kansas

 

[Pogo]

Dear Joe,

Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?

 

[Statistikhengst]

Dear Joe,

Was Marilyn Monroe really blonde, I mean, all over?

 

[shart_attack]

Hi Joe.

I have a 12-year-old nephew who's really good with computers and math, but he lacks social skills. I think he is afraid of people.

His seventh-grade health teacher last week assigned him to meet at least five people online that he's never met before, and become friends with them.

My question is: Should I tell him to come to the USMB's Health & Lifestyles forum to meet his new friends?

Why? Why not?

Thanks, Joe.

the shart

 

[Pop23]

Dear Joe:

Will it take an airborne variant of Ebola to kill this thread?

I mean, if the upgrade kaint kill her off, can anything?

Many thanks from a loyal reader

Signed

Pop23

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

According to my news source, Camilla is going to divorce Prince Charles, for having an affair with Barbara Streisand. My question is in three parts. First, does this confirm that Charles is a masochist? Second, are both Charles and Barbara blind? Third, does this mean that Queen Elizabeth will have to survive another 50 years, just to avoid leaving the crown to Charles?

Royally Bewildered in Tucson

Wow. Tabloid research project. I'll expect the usual envelope X 2, 'k?


Charles and Camilla are fine. Both are very much aware that even in the tabloids, boring is their most attractive feature and they are quite happy to be stuck with each other. And Charles finally has permission to fantasize twice a month, so now he has actual skin in the game.

Barbara cares little for male companionship now that Joan Rivers is no longer around for post coital girl talk over a couple of stems of quality sherry.

1. Charles a masochist?

Have you SEEN his ears!​

2. Not sure... do you mean clothes off or clothes on?

3. No. It's not well known, but Charles lost the crown to Donald Trump at an illegal poker game in New Jersey in 1975. Harry's been angry pissed since he found out, but the older blond one seems to understand the true relationship between jewelry and power, opting instead to wear a lacy thong to gently remind him of his station in life.


I know, I know!!! Satin or flannel would have been my guess too!!

Especially with the Scots voting on independence. ​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

How long have the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny been an item?

Dorothy, now back in Kansas

The Easter Bunny's GAY?!?

I did not know that!
​

P.s. Stop wearing the red shoes when you dance... the next time you get magically zapped to D.C. on a political wish and an errant tap of the toe, you can get the return airfare from your hippie friends.

 

[Wry Catcher]

It started HERE:

As usual Avg-Joe got stuck sweeping up the ribbons and wine bottles after Scat and C_K's orgy. Dot, Wake and Ropey got invites but not Joe. No one ever thinks of asking Joe.

It got me to thinking (both unusual in its own right and potentially dangerous). Why not have an advice forum?

Naturally, I thought of Joe. Of course, I can't say I ASKED him. But I volunteered him just the same.

Consider Avg-Joe your New Dear Abby.

Ask Joe!

Dear Joe,
I post on a message board where one member promised to never post again if The President, President Obama, was reelected. He has returned as a sock, What should I do, ignore him, cuss him, kick his candy ass, or let others know what a cowardly punk he is?

Sign me as Wry Catcher (a Nom be Plume).

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?

I heard it was 'cause she would rather play footsies with The Easter Bunny, but not from a very reliable source.

The other story bouncing around the toys in my attic is just as disturbing... She saw Mighty Mouse naked and now she can't get him out of her head.

Either way, Micky has been inconsolably riding Splash Mountain and bitching about the no smoking policy for animated characters on the water rides.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

Was Marilyn Monroe really blonde, I mean, all over?

She was the last time I checked, but you know chicks... fickle creatures.

- AVG-Joe DiMaggio.​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Hi Joe.

I have a 12-year-old nephew who's really good with computers and math, but he lacks social skills. I think he is afraid of people.

His seventh-grade health teacher last week assigned him to meet at least five people online that he's never met before, and become friends with them.

My question is: Should I tell him to come to the USMB's Health & Lifestyles forum to meet his new friends?

Why? Why not?

Thanks, Joe.

the shart

That depends... are you the cool uncle who teaches him to play with guns and stuff, or are you the reluctant baby sitter of last resort seeking to do some serious damage to your brothers kid 'cause it'll be funny?