Anything Goes Humor

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If getting a laugh out of a teen was as easy as eliciting an eye roll, we wouldn’t need articles like this. But here we are. These corny jokes for teens are more mature than your average knock-knock joke, but still fall within the scope of family-friendly humor. Good jokes for teens make your teen laugh by acknowledging their maturity and intelligence — without getting dirty. Because clean jokes can be hilarious too if done correctly. Pull these legitimately funny jokes for teens out during dinner while competing for attention with their phone, or during carpool. Having a few of these age-appropriate jokes up your sleeve will earn you a few laughs, if not status as a cool dad. The only hard part is not using them all at once.

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Q. What did the grape say when he was pinched?


A. Nothing, he gave a little wine.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

Q

: What did the man say when he walked into a bar?

A: Ouch!


Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?

A: An envelope

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

A: It’s okay. He woke up.

Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?

A: Because they make up everything.

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?

A: A pork chop.

Q: What did the grape say when he was pinched?

A: Nothing, he gave a little wine.

Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

A: Because it has a silent pee.

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

A: “Put it on my bill.”

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

A: A stick.

Q: Why did the selfie go to prison?

A: It was framed.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a little boogie in it.

Q. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

A: Because it has a silent pee.

Q: What do you call an old snowman?

A: A creek.

Q: What is red, orange, and full of disappointment?

A: High school pizza.

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?

A: Microchips!

Q: What does a school and plant have in common?

A: STEM.

Q: What did the middle schooler say to the high schooler?

A: Nothing, they texted.

Q. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?

A: They’re both red except for the green one.

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?

A: To sing, “Hello from the other side!”

Q. How do you drown a hipster?

A: In the mainstream.

Q: What did one DNA strand say to the other?

A: Does my bum look good in these genes?

Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: Why do wrappers need umbrellas?

A: Fo’ drizzle.

Q: What’ the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Q: What gets sharper the more you use it but dull if you don’t use it at all?

A: Students.

 

[Auld Phart]

 

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[progressive hunter]

whats the difference between a battle ax and a timber ax??


,


,


,


,


,

one you keep in the kitchen and the other in the woodshed,,,

 

[GMCGeneral]

Anyone know about this great new personal injury law firm that just opened up? It's the firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. Their lead co-counsels are Ima B. Isch, and this dude from Germany named Klaus Von Deuschebahg.

What did the plumber say to his customer before installing the hot water heater? "Ma'am, it's a "tankless" job but somebody's got to do it.

If you have a friend or family member named John, what's the one way you do NOT want to greet him at the airport? "Hi, Jack!"

What's Italian for a colonoscopy? Innuendo.

 

[Hossfly]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting.”

“You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

She replied, “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

 

[Hossfly]

 

[asaratis]

 

[asaratis]

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a stranger using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
-This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows shit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New England and I'm down here campaigning for Biden's Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

 

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[asaratis]

Three surgeons were bragging while playing golf. The first one said, "I had a patient that cut off four fingers on a table saw and I reattached them so well he now is playing the guitar in a band!”

The second doctor said, "I had a patient who was in a bad motorcycle accident and lost his leg and arm I reattached them and now he's training for the Olympic gymnast team!”

The third doctor said "I had a patient who was riding her horse down a railroad track and was hit by a high speed train.

All they could find was the horse's ass, a few body parts and her hair. I put them together and now she's the Speaker of the House!”

 

[Hossfly]

 

[asaratis]

 

[asaratis]

The Queen's Riddle



Nancy Pelosi met with the Queen of England.

She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Pelosi frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy: you just ask them a to answer an intelligent riddle”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?”

Boris Johnson walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Boris, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing, Boris answered, “That would be me”

“Yes! very good,” said the Queen.

Pelosi went back home to ask Joe Biden, the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. “Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Luckily, Biden ran into Sarah Palin in a D.C. restaurant one night. Biden asked, Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled , and said, “Thanks!”

Then he went back to speak with Pelosi. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin.”

Pelosi got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face. "No! You idiot! It’s Boris Johnson!”

AND THAT, IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE!

 

[Auld Phart]