Anyone else grieving?

[yiostheoy]

When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.

To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.

It is useful to be around people who have overcome their grief already.

Like you said Manonthestreet it is useless and counter-productive to be around others who are continually grieving and have not gotten over it yet.

 

[ricechickie]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, I am grieving right now. I lost my mom at the end of January. She had Alzheimer's. Horrible way to die. And loved ones feel so helpless.
All along it will dawn on me that she died, and I say to myself ''My mom died'', like it is some revelation or something.

My sympathies to you for your loss. I know exactly what you mean. There were times when I would literally shake my head, as if to readjust my whole worldview. Once you have someone in your life for so long, I don't think your brain accepts their absence right away.

 

[ricechickie]

When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.

To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.

I went to a bereavement support group for a few months. But I was the youngest one there by far, and while it was somewhat helpful to talk about it with people who know, the discussions got pretty repetitive. One week, I didn't go because I got a kitten and I wanted to get home after work to check on him. Then I just stopped going. It was good because they kept scheduling outings to go on as a group, but most of these people, being retired, really needed the reminders to get out of the house.

 

[yiostheoy]

When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.

To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.

I went to a bereavement support group for a few months. But I was the youngest one there by far, and while it was somewhat helpful to talk about it with people who know, the discussions got pretty repetitive. One week, I didn't go because I got a kitten and I wanted to get home after work to check on him. Then I just stopped going. It was good because they kept scheduling outings to go on as a group, but most of these people, being retired, really needed the reminders to get out of the house.

I think the kitten will bring you lots of joy.

When my cat was still a kitten he would crawl up into a ball and nestle in my armpit because that was the warmest place he could find. I worried about rolling over and killing him in my sleep. So I had to move him next to me by the extra pillow. By the time I would wake he was curled up in my armpit again.

Later on he when he got bigger he would curl up next to my knees. That was safer.

Now sometimes at night he crawls under the covers by my feet. That is best of all.

When a cat loves you he/she will lick your fingers and nose. He licks mine all the time. His lifespan is 15 to 20 years. Mine is another 30 most likely. That means ultimately I will need to face his death and bury him in the mountains. Then I will be too old for another kitten. So I plan to rescue a mature cat at that point.

I don't want not to have a pet with me ever again. Pets are great. They accept you unconditionally as long as you keep feeding them.

 

[ricechickie]

When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.

To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.

I went to a bereavement support group for a few months. But I was the youngest one there by far, and while it was somewhat helpful to talk about it with people who know, the discussions got pretty repetitive. One week, I didn't go because I got a kitten and I wanted to get home after work to check on him. Then I just stopped going. It was good because they kept scheduling outings to go on as a group, but most of these people, being retired, really needed the reminders to get out of the house.

I think the kitten will bring you lots of joy.

When my cat was still a kitten he would crawl up into a ball and nestle in my armpit because that was the warmest place he could find. I worried about rolling over and killing him in my sleep. So I had to move him next to me by the extra pillow. By the time I would wake he was curled up in my armpit again.

Later on he when he got bigger he would curl up next to my knees. That was safer.

Now sometimes at night he crawls under the covers by my feet. That is best of all.

When a cat loves you he/she will lick your fingers and nose. He licks mine all the time. His lifespan is 15 to 20 years. Mine is another 30 most likely. That means ultimately I will need to face his death and bury him in the mountains. Then I will be too old for another kitten. So I plan to rescue a mature cat at that point.

I don't want not to have a pet with me ever again. Pets are great. They accept you unconditionally as long as you keep feeding them.

We've always had pets of some kind in the house. We already had two older cats, but you're right, the kitten did (and does) bring joy and new interest into the house.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.

 

[yiostheoy]

Brain cancer is painless because there are no pain cells in the brain.

Bone cancer is at the opposite end of the spectrum and very painful.

A friend of mine who died of bone cancer metastasized from prostate cancer told me how this works.

He was my first boss 40 years ago and in his 60's back then. He died within 2 years of first spotting the prostate cancer and within 6 mos of spotting the metastasized bone cancer.

 

[Meathead]

I lost a very good childhood friend over the weekend, finding out last night. He was only 59. I can't shake it off.

 

[yiostheoy]

I lost a very good childhood friend over the weekend, finding out last night. He was only 59. I can't shake it off.

It will take time.

The first week is the very worst.

The first month numbing.

The first year is painful especially the 1 year anniversary.

By the 2nd or 3rd year things should be better.

By the 5th year everyone should be over it and recovered. That's when you can help others through the same thing.

Been there done that.

Visiting the grave is always painful for me however.

And cemeteries and funerals for anybody bring back stark memories always.

I now hate the smell of floral shop cut flowers.

Jasmine and lilacs are still ok though because these are never used at funerals.

 

[ricechickie]

My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My husband had started having regular trips to the hospital with congestive heart failure. His last hospital stay seemed like one of those "routine" ones, but his blood pressure was too low for them to give him his regular medicine that usually put him right. Still, he was stable enough. Then he got an infection in his leg. It was incredibly painful for him. Almost simultaneously, he started losing coherence. His thinking and speech was muddled. It turns out, they said, that his liver was shutting down and toxins were impeding his brain functions. He started just sleeping more, waking up occasionally with leg pain that made him yell and grip the bed. That's when I decided that, whether he was afraid of addiction or not, he should have morphine. We knew. At first I fooled myself that maybe he would leave without a leg (he was also diabetic, so amputations are fairly common), but he wouldn't have survived a surgery like that. We talked about life-saving measures. I knew what he wanted, because we had talked, but I wanted to make sure. This was for real. We had them deactivate his defibrillator . Then he said something out of the blue about turning it back on. But he was so incoherent so much of the time. Even if his defibrillator shocked his heart, the heart itself was too weak to keep going. For his comfort, I decided he shouldn't be shocked. He was basically in a coma for his last two days. No morphine necessary. I was there, with his two best friends, when he took his last breath. Then I had to call our kids and tell them to come to the hospital. They had already really said goodbye, but I thought they should be there.

 

[ricechickie]

I lost a very good childhood friend over the weekend, finding out last night. He was only 59. I can't shake it off.

My condolences.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My husband had started having regular trips to the hospital with congestive heart failure. His last hospital stay seemed like one of those "routine" ones, but his blood pressure was too low for them to give him his regular medicine that usually put him right. Still, he was stable enough. Then he got an infection in his leg. It was incredibly painful for him. Almost simultaneously, he started losing coherence. His thinking and speech was muddled. It turns out, they said, that his liver was shutting down and toxins were impeding his brain functions. He started just sleeping more, waking up occasionally with leg pain that made him yell and grip the bed. That's when I decided that, whether he was afraid of addiction or not, he should have morphine. We knew. At first I fooled myself that maybe he would leave without a leg (he was also diabetic, so amputations are fairly common), but he wouldn't have survived a surgery like that. We talked about life-saving measures. I knew what he wanted, because we had talked, but I wanted to make sure. This was for real. We had them deactivate his defibrillator . Then he said something out of the blue about turning it back on. But he was so incoherent so much of the time. Even if his defibrillator shocked his heart, the heart itself was too weak to keep going. For his comfort, I decided he shouldn't be shocked. He was basically in a coma for his last two days. No morphine necessary. I was there, with his two best friends, when he took his last breath. Then I had to call our kids and tell them to come to the hospital. They had already really said goodbye, but I thought they should be there.

That is similar to how we handled Dad's last days.
By nature, both from our love and memories of our loved ones, and our inherent survival instincts demands us to "do whatever is necessary" to save our loved ones. But that is not always the answer, in fact most of the time it is not.
We placed Dad on DNR, which was also his wishes.
We also elected to not use a feeding tube when he could no longer swallow. By this time he absolutely had no meaningful existence. In fact we all knew it was better that he was unconscious most of the time. When he was conscious and somewhat lucid, he was either angry or sad. Seeing our father, who was a very happy-go-lucky man, in this mood was harder than facing his death. It really was. His death was a relief.
I am sad my Dad is gone. It broke my heart. I miss him. I would love to talk to him again. But nevertheless, his last month was a nightmare for everyone, especially him. It was hard. Hard. When he died it was a relief, an end of suffering for him and an end to the torture of seeing that suffering.

 

[yiostheoy]

My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My husband had started having regular trips to the hospital with congestive heart failure. His last hospital stay seemed like one of those "routine" ones, but his blood pressure was too low for them to give him his regular medicine that usually put him right. Still, he was stable enough. Then he got an infection in his leg. It was incredibly painful for him. Almost simultaneously, he started losing coherence. His thinking and speech was muddled. It turns out, they said, that his liver was shutting down and toxins were impeding his brain functions. He started just sleeping more, waking up occasionally with leg pain that made him yell and grip the bed. That's when I decided that, whether he was afraid of addiction or not, he should have morphine. We knew. At first I fooled myself that maybe he would leave without a leg (he was also diabetic, so amputations are fairly common), but he wouldn't have survived a surgery like that. We talked about life-saving measures. I knew what he wanted, because we had talked, but I wanted to make sure. This was for real. We had them deactivate his defibrillator . Then he said something out of the blue about turning it back on. But he was so incoherent so much of the time. Even if his defibrillator shocked his heart, the heart itself was too weak to keep going. For his comfort, I decided he shouldn't be shocked. He was basically in a coma for his last two days. No morphine necessary. I was there, with his two best friends, when he took his last breath. Then I had to call our kids and tell them to come to the hospital. They had already really said goodbye, but I thought they should be there.

That is similar to how we handled Dad's last days.
By nature, both from our love and memories of our loved ones, and our inherent survival instincts demands us to "do whatever is necessary" to save our loved ones. But that is not always the answer, in fact most of the time it is not.
We placed Dad on DNR, which was also his wishes.
We also elected to not use a feeding tube when he could no longer swallow. By this time he absolutely had no meaningful existence. In fact we all knew it was better that he was unconscious most of the time. When he was conscious and somewhat lucid, he was either angry or sad. Seeing our father, who was a very happy-go-lucky man, in this mood was harder than facing his death. It really was. His death was a relief.
I am sad my Dad is gone. It broke my heart. I miss him. I would love to talk to him again. But nevertheless, his last month was a nightmare for everyone, especially him. It was hard. Hard. When he died it was a relief, an end of suffering for him and an end to the torture of seeing that suffering.

I still talk to my dad.

No reason not to.

He probably hears me too.

He is a better listener now.

 

[ricechickie]

My father passed January 2nd of this year. It was certainly hard. He developed brain cancer in late September, and it absolutely ravaged him. Miraculously he had very little pain, but as it progressed he kept losing abilities. The last month he couldn't even feed himself and could only barely raise his head by himself.
It was very difficult seeing him that way, as well as having to take care of him.
I still think of something I want to tell him etc. and then remember...oh...he's gone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My husband had started having regular trips to the hospital with congestive heart failure. His last hospital stay seemed like one of those "routine" ones, but his blood pressure was too low for them to give him his regular medicine that usually put him right. Still, he was stable enough. Then he got an infection in his leg. It was incredibly painful for him. Almost simultaneously, he started losing coherence. His thinking and speech was muddled. It turns out, they said, that his liver was shutting down and toxins were impeding his brain functions. He started just sleeping more, waking up occasionally with leg pain that made him yell and grip the bed. That's when I decided that, whether he was afraid of addiction or not, he should have morphine. We knew. At first I fooled myself that maybe he would leave without a leg (he was also diabetic, so amputations are fairly common), but he wouldn't have survived a surgery like that. We talked about life-saving measures. I knew what he wanted, because we had talked, but I wanted to make sure. This was for real. We had them deactivate his defibrillator . Then he said something out of the blue about turning it back on. But he was so incoherent so much of the time. Even if his defibrillator shocked his heart, the heart itself was too weak to keep going. For his comfort, I decided he shouldn't be shocked. He was basically in a coma for his last two days. No morphine necessary. I was there, with his two best friends, when he took his last breath. Then I had to call our kids and tell them to come to the hospital. They had already really said goodbye, but I thought they should be there.

That is similar to how we handled Dad's last days.
By nature, both from our love and memories of our loved ones, and our inherent survival instincts demands us to "do whatever is necessary" to save our loved ones. But that is not always the answer, in fact most of the time it is not.
We placed Dad on DNR, which was also his wishes.
We also elected to not use a feeding tube when he could no longer swallow. By this time he absolutely had no meaningful existence. In fact we all knew it was better that he was unconscious most of the time. When he was conscious and somewhat lucid, he was either angry or sad. Seeing our father, who was a very happy-go-lucky man, in this mood was harder than facing his death. It really was. His death was a relief.
I am sad my Dad is gone. It broke my heart. I miss him. I would love to talk to him again. But nevertheless, his last month was a nightmare for everyone, especially him. It was hard. Hard. When he died it was a relief, an end of suffering for him and an end to the torture of seeing that suffering.

I'm sorry for you that he suffered so long. Of course you're sad, but he's no longer in pain. I wanted to save my husband, but when I knew that wasn't possible, I just wanted to keep him from suffering. Clearly, you wanted the same for your dad. Peace to you.

 

[Dalia]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

Bonsoir, i understand your suffer, My sympathies to you for your loss, i loss my brother on christmas day last year, and i still can't believe i want see him anymore.

 

[skye]

My father left this Valley of Tears a few years ago.

I loved him so, I will miss him til the end.

 

[CeeCee]

My husband was 12 years older, we h We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

I lost my hubby to colon cancer in 2004, he was 15 years older than me and we had 35 years together. Although as the years pass, the grief gets easier but there are still triggers that have me crying after 13 years.

Also, my mom just died last June and this will be my first Mother's Day without her...it's going to be tough.

 

[ricechickie]

My husband was 12 years older, we h We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

I lost my hubby to colon cancer in 2004, he was 15 years older than me and we had 35 years together. Although as the years pass, the grief gets easier but there are still triggers that have me crying after 13 years.

Also, my mom just died last June and this will be my first Mother's Day without her...it's going to be tough.

My sympathy for your losses.

I don't know what else to say. It's just a relief to read from someone else who gets it.

 

[yiostheoy]

My husband was 12 years older, we h We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

I lost my hubby to colon cancer in 2004, he was 15 years older than me and we had 35 years together. Although as the years pass, the grief gets easier but there are still triggers that have me crying after 13 years.

Also, my mom just died last June and this will be my first Mother's Day without her...it's going to be tough.

Our mother (my sisters' and mine) is still around but she might as well be dead.

She is going deaf and she cannot remember anything past 5 mins ago.

In this case death would be merciful for her.

She talks about suicide but there is no way for her to do it.

She grew up around guns with her dad being a hunter and she was even a pretty good shot but she has not owned a gun nor had access to one since 1968. Certainly a good thing.

My sisters and I are Catholic and do not believe in suicide nor euthanasia.

You just play the hand that the Lord has dealt you, and you keep your chin up.

 

[yiostheoy]

ricechickie you need to pour out all the liquor.