Anyone else grieving?

[ricechickie]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

Be careful with the alcohol. it is a dangerous drug.

It can get out of control if you don't have rules.

And it can make your grief worse if you drink too much since chemically it is a depressant and already being emotionally depressed it could push you over the edge.

You definitely need to have a one drink limit per day as a woman.

That ship has sailed.

I know that I shouldn't rely on it, but drinking was part of my life before he died, too.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

 

[ricechickie]

I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away

I'm sorry for your losses. I cherish the memories, his stuff, and our kids. It certainly has changed my perspective on what's important.

 

[yiostheoy]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

Be careful with the alcohol. it is a dangerous drug.

It can get out of control if you don't have rules.

And it can make your grief worse if you drink too much since chemically it is a depressant and already being emotionally depressed it could push you over the edge.

You definitely need to have a one drink limit per day as a woman.

That ship has sailed.

I know that I shouldn't rely on it, but drinking was part of my life before he died, too.

One wine glass of wine per day needs to be your daily limit.

You cannot let yourself drink more.

And there should be one day like Sunday where you don't drink at all so you can detox.

Those are the rules you need to follow.

If you cannot follow these rules then you need to get yourself into AA and give up alcohol completely.

 

[ricechickie]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

My aunt passed away a month ago. The last of her generation (my Mom's sister). As in my Mom's case in 2011, far-flung family came from all over to honor her life. It's nothing like losing a spouse but I try to keep in touch with my cousin, her only child, for the adjustment she has.

Sympathies for your loss.

And sympathies for your loss as well. If I may say, keeping in touch to those hardest hit by a loss is important. I found that some people tend to swarm around right after, then drop back out when the death becomes "old news" (to them). And not everyone is good at reaching out.

 

[BULLDOG]

What was he like? Was there one or several things that he always did to make you smile?

 

[MarathonMike]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

 

[yiostheoy]

I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away

I'm sorry for your losses. I cherish the memories, his stuff, and our kids. It certainly has changed my perspective on what's important.

What is ultimately most important is that you need to be able to stand confidently before your God and say you did the best you could for others and for yourself. For you your kids and grandkids will be the most important, but also your neighbors and friends and your church/temple/etc.

I am Catholic and the Catholic Church requires you to carry a torch and not ever give up. It has given me strength in weaker moments.

If you don't have a God to believe in then this is a weakness and being on your own completely is harder.

 

[ricechickie]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

 

[emilynghiem]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

Be careful with the alcohol. it is a dangerous drug.

It can get out of control if you don't have rules.

And it can make your grief worse if you drink too much since chemically it is a depressant and already being emotionally depressed it could push you over the edge.

You definitely need to have a one drink limit per day as a woman.

I have to agree with yiostheoy to avoid alcohol.

But maybe it's because I'm biased. I lost a young friend, only 28,
(who took some medication that reacted with alcohol, and it led to fatal crisis)
I almost lost another friend to alcohol who hid it for the longest time.

I would recommend just about anything else other than drinking, smoking, pot.
Addiction to gaming, or online forums (like this one?) anything is better
than TRYING to "self medicate" the brain chemistry
(such using alcohol or pot that is unpredicatable).
The risk is too great they add any more problems to what's already happening.

I think the brain needs all the natural support and SPACE to go through its process as it comes.
And messing with that process is just going to make it worse, I would think.

 

[yiostheoy]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

 

[SassyIrishLass]

I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away

I'm sorry for your losses. I cherish the memories, his stuff, and our kids. It certainly has changed my perspective on what's important.

I have a constant reminder of my friend, we adopted his son after he passed and the mother made some very poor life choices. His son is the spitting image of my friend in every way, it's like he's here with us. He's going to be a fine young man and plans to follow his birth father's path and make the military his career.

To me death isn't final, my faith is important and I will see them all again someday.

And yes focus on the important things, your children being paramount

 

[yiostheoy]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

Ok this is telling.

If you read Philosophy especially Catholic Philosophy it tells you that for all sorts of logical reasons it is impossible to conceive that there is no God.

And if there is a God then He/She/They would have prepared an afterlife for us for the same logical reasons. The logical constructions are complex but if you read enough philosophy it makes sense.

You can fast forward and google San Tomas Aquinas and read his "5 proofs of God". This is official Catholic doctrine as well as being pure Philosophy.

The next step is Religion. People who have suffered a first loss to death often use that experience to become involved in a church group somewhere. My personal recommendation is the Catholics of course. But the Protestant Lutherans or Anglican are good too because they are very similar to the Catholics -- there is very little difference other than their rebellion against Rome in the 1500's.

If you try to do this without religion then you are weaker.

Since I am confident there is a God, and confident there is an afterlife, and confident in the Catholic, Lutheran, and Anglican Churches then strongly recommend you to one of them now.

 

[MarathonMike]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Sorry to hear this.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Damn. I really hope he makes it. The kind my friend had was a rare form that is extremely aggressive. If your friend doesn't have that, they should be able to buy him a few more good years at a minimum.

 

[emilynghiem]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

Well ricechickie the way I explain it in "secular" terms is
that our energy and spirit passes on especially through the ones we love, our soulmates.
Both the good energy/memories and anything bad/unresolved that we inherit to LEARN from.
So where we continue on in love, that's "heaven" the spiritual connection
that joins all of us by conscience where there is "eternal good and love" that prevails.
That's the love that transcends death, but is and always was, so it just keeps going.

Anything bad, we forgive, grow from and use to improve the future.
If we don't forgive and let go, we can't heal that part, and if we cling
to negative ill will, unforgiveness, and resentments that is what causes "hell"
or "suffering" which collectively becomes the war and torment we see destroying
humanity (and as symbolized in religion as spiritual torment in an endless cycle).

What frees us is to forgive, let go of trying to control or dictate judge or reject,
and just accept what life brings, and grow in faith that the good will outweigh the bad.

So forgiveness is that leap of faith to accept first, on faith, and then receive the peace of
mind and blessings that come AFTER we forgive. It's seems a bit backwards or counterintuitive.

The HEALING comes faster, the recovery process sped up, when people choose
to see themselves as HEROES of forgiveness, overcoming setbacks,
instead of seeing themselves as "victims of uncontrolled circumstances"

studies on forgiveness have shown a correlation with better health and recovery rates
while unforgiveness correlates with more stress, worse health problems, illness, etc.

So heaven is the collective terms for the path where forgiveness/letting go/acceptance
brings peace of mind and restores harmony and balance in life,
and hell is the collective suffering from ill will, unforgiveness, and retribution/rejection.

Religions may express this in "symbolic" terms
but these are natural laws and spiritual processes
that even our secular systems of psychology and science
have observed are true for human health and relations in general.

 

[yiostheoy]

San Tomas Aquinas' 5 philosophical proofs of God:

Five Ways (Aquinas) - Wikipedia

 

[ricechickie]

What was he like? Was there one or several things that he always did to make you smile?

He was a big teddy bear of a man. He could be imposing if you didn't know him, but really was a big softie. He was a stand-up comedian for years, but could never make that his full-time gig. So he also did lots of other jobs during our marriage.

When I think of him now, I just smile. He loved music, he had really eclectic tastes. He would play the same music for days, until the songs were stuck in my head. He'd also make up some parody lyrics, so now I can't hear some songs without thinking the wrong, and usually inappropriate, lyrics.

Of course, he had an over-developed sense of humor. Sometimes, I would just say, "Can you turn it off?" He couldn't. Now I end up saying the things that I know he would say in a conversation. It's like I absorbed his humor.

He was a great father. I think his true purpose in life was to be a dad. His face lit up for our babies. He would do anything for them. Anything and everything he could do.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

Well ricechickie the way I explain it in "secular" terms is
that our energy and spirit passes on especially through the ones we love, our soulmates.
Both the good energy/memories and anything bad/unresolved that we inherit to LEARN from.
So where we continue on in love, that's "heaven" the spiritual connection
that joins all of us by conscience where there is "eternal good and love" that prevails.
That's the love that transcends death, but is and always was, so it just keeps going.

Anything bad, we forgive, grow from and use to improve the future.
If we don't forgive and let go, we can't heal that part, and if we cling
to negative ill will, unforgiveness, and resentments that is what causes "hell"
or "suffering" which collectively becomes the war and torment we see destroying
humanity (and as symbolized in religion as spiritual torment in an endless cycle).

What frees us is to forgive, let go of trying to control or dictate judge or reject,
and just accept what life brings, and grow in faith that the good will outweigh the bad.

So forgiveness is that leap of faith to accept first, on faith, and then receive the peace of
mind and blessings that come AFTER we forgive. It's seems a bit backwards or counterintuitive.

The HEALING comes faster, the recovery process sped up, when people choose
to see themselves as HEROES of forgiveness, overcoming setbacks,
instead of seeing themselves as "victims of uncontrolled circumstances"

studies on forgiveness have shown a correlation with better health and recovery rates
while unforgiveness correlates with more stress, worse health problems, illness, etc.

So heaven is the collective terms for the path where forgiveness/letting go/acceptance
brings peace of mind and restores harmony and balance in life,
and hell is the collective suffering from ill will, unforgiveness, and retribution/rejection.

Religions may express this in "symbolic" terms
but these are natural laws and spiritual processes
that even our secular systems of psychology and science
have observed are true for human health and relations in general.

I'll have to come back when I'm sober......

 

[yiostheoy]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Sorry to hear this.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Damn. I really hope he makes it. The kind my friend had was a rare form that is extremely aggressive. If your friend doesn't have that, they should be able to buy him a few more good years at a minimum.

Everyone else I know who had prostate cancer died from it.

If my buddy from high school survives it he will be the first.

Those are not good odds.

 

[MarathonMike]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Sorry to hear this.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Damn. I really hope he makes it. The kind my friend had was a rare form that is extremely aggressive. If your friend doesn't have that, they should be able to buy him a few more good years at a minimum.

Everyone else I know who had prostate cancer died from it.

If my buddy from high school survives it he will be the first.

Those are not good odds.

To offer some hope, my Uncle is in his 80s and has stage 4 Prostate cancer but is relatively healthy. He even plays golf twice a week walking 18.