Anybody ever?

[Si modo]

Has anybody ever given a friend or family member an ultimatum about going into alcohol rehab? I just did it to a ex-colleague (and friend). Took him into a hospital this morning. I'm pretty numb because I am beyond frustrated.

YEP.

I refuse to be one of those "enablers" willing to remain in a codependent situation..

Profile of a codependent from my personal and educated perspective: (I use the word you, because I am speaking to you, directly, but please consider this as an in general overview of codependency, rather than me making assumptions about you personally)

Frustrated you should be. People with addictions have a tendency to put the agent before everything and everyone in their lives. They are so rigid about using it, that it becomes a pathology for them.

Don't be frustrated.. You can love and support someone your whole entire life, without them ever doing the same for themselves. Breaking a cycle of codependency is very difficult, and you are expected to have a lot of mixed feelings about it.

On one hand, you feel bad that you are "kicking" someone out of your life, potentially.. You feel that they may not be able to survive or thrive without you- that you are their protector, etc.. I am putting this in very general terms, of course.

On the other hand, you know based on the shared history alone, along with any knowledge you might also have about substance abuse and codependency, that there is NOTHING short of an ultimatum or kicking them out of your life, that can possibly save them, and that the only way to spare yourself a life of misery is to do this very thing.

You may have a past history of being underappreciated, and, during the relationship (to whatever extent or deepness your friendship went- it still counts as a relationship, because it is interpersonal) this person probably made you feel as if you were helping them out from time to time, or even regularly. Even giving a friend a couch to sleep on when they were having a fight with a lover, or helping them with certain repairs they needed, or just whatever- made you feel needed and appreciated. The good thing is that you know now that you were not in a healthy relationship.. You needed that person to do wrong whatever they did wrong, in order to feel appreciated by them. This is generally who gets involved in this type of situation anyways.. maybe not you, I dont know.. But it is something to remain open minded to, so that it does not happen again.

I do want to say, I am very proud of anyone who makes the right decision. I think you did make the right decision here.

For all any of us know, this person may get out of rehab and go back to using the agent (alcohol or even drugs, gambling, sex, etc- addicts will often just switch addictive agents, generally switch from drugs to drinking, or one drug to another, etc, but you have to look for signs that they are gambling, or anything else- remember, they are not addicted to alcohol, they are addicted to substituting something for real life responsibility and interpersonal relationships, possibly because they have deep rooted issues that need to be addressed, also). If this happens, the only thing you SHOULD do is to call that friend on his addiction, and let him know that "switching" addictions will not stop his problems.. Tell them that they may not come around until they are clean, sober, and without any other addictions that interfere with their lives.

You have the animal right to protect the life of yourself and your offspring. Pat yourself on the back.. You did the right thing!!! =)

The funny thing (in an odd sense) to see is how almost everything he did was somehow fundamentally motivated to getting a glass of scotch. Very odd way to live one's life.

I have no desires to be in any way a nanny for him. Not my in my job description as a friend. I stayed with him this past week because he was 'sick' (and because it made my commute shorter this week). I quickly realized why he was sick and that is not what I do. So I transferred that job to those who can do that.

 

[Said1]

Has anybody ever given a friend or family member an ultimatum about going into alcohol rehab? I just did it to a ex-colleague (and friend). Took him into a hospital this morning. I'm pretty numb because I am beyond frustrated.

Yes, and it didn't work out so well.

Not to be cynical, but for most who have serious problems, it takes a few stabs a rehab until they get it. Rome wasn't built in a day, etc, etc. Good for you though, most people give up - be patient, but not in an enabling way. LOL.

Thanks, Said1. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic (didn't find out until after fives years into our friendship that she is in recovery) so she sort of talked me through this. She warned me about relapses.

He's just a friend (we used to date about a year and a half ago, but I've moved on since then and kept him as a friend). I've done the most that I can do for him at this point and accept the fact that the rest is on him. I can't and won't get sucked in further than this. I was joking with her that this 'good deed' (pfftt...doesn't feel that way) should do me until about March of next year. LOL.

Anyway, today's his springboard. He knows how to do the rest somewhere inside of himself and he has to find that to be able to live again.

Now you'll have some space to gain some perspective. The friends need re-hab too!

Oh, and did the tarot reader say if I was going to get married soon? If not, you got ripped off!

 

[Si modo]

Yes, and it didn't work out so well.

Not to be cynical, but for most who have serious problems, it takes a few stabs a rehab until they get it. Rome wasn't built in a day, etc, etc. Good for you though, most people give up - be patient, but not in an enabling way. LOL.

Thanks, Said1. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic (didn't find out until after fives years into our friendship that she is in recovery) so she sort of talked me through this. She warned me about relapses.

He's just a friend (we used to date about a year and a half ago, but I've moved on since then and kept him as a friend). I've done the most that I can do for him at this point and accept the fact that the rest is on him. I can't and won't get sucked in further than this. I was joking with her that this 'good deed' (pfftt...doesn't feel that way) should do me until about March of next year. LOL.

Anyway, today's his springboard. He knows how to do the rest somewhere inside of himself and he has to find that to be able to live again.

Now you'll have some space to gain some perspective. The friends need re-hab too!

Oh, and did the tarot reader say if I was going to get married soon? If not, you got ripped off!

LOL. That was Mr. H who did the Tarot.

Maybe we both could ask him what's in store for us?

 

[Said1]

[q

LOL. That was Mr. H who did the Tarot.

Maybe we both could ask him what's in store for us?

Ooops. I thought that was you. But yah, good idea....Oh, Mr. H.....

 

[trams]

I am an alcoholic. Tried re-hab, Here it is only 5 days. Went 4 months, started again. You are doing a good thing, if it doesnt take dont give up on him unless you have had enough. Then it is understandable.

 

[MaggieMae]

Ultimatums rarely work; interventions can and have worked wonders. I'd suggest anyone in a similar situation do some research before acting.

That's the best advice. Being forced into rehab rarely works because it just compounds the addict's anger. I believe it's only when they are made aware of all the damage they've done and will continue to do to people and friends who truly care about them, that they are willing to step back and acknowledge that their problem isn't always "somebody else's fault."

The mantra from alcoholics I've known has been "If you had a life like mine, you'd drink too..." It isn't until it is thrust in their faces, up close and personal, that they are shocked into the fact that the truth lies in the reverse of that statement. And only THEN do the majority of them seek help.

 

[masquerade]

Has anybody ever given a friend or family member an ultimatum about going into alcohol rehab? I just did it to a ex-colleague (and friend). Took him into a hospital this morning. I'm pretty numb because I am beyond frustrated.

No, I haven't. But what you did was the right thing and I would have done the same.

 

[masquerade]

My oldest brother had terrible bouts with booze. We were sharing an apartment at the time and lived outside the city limits. I called the Sheriff's office and was told they would come lock him up if I thought he'd do harm to himself or others. Well, I put that ultimatum to him and he straightened up- for a while. He eventually reverted to his ways, had a heart attack, and was dead at 49. I still feel guilt over it.

I'm so sorry Mr. H.
Please forgive yourself and leave it in the past.